I’m not helping the delivery robot. I know it doesn’t have feelings. I’m helping the person waiting for their burrito.

It’s not that I don’t have any more fucks left to give. It’s just that I’m more selective about who I give those fucks too. #Perimenopause

It's amazing that Chuck Schumer was able to get unanimous consent from the senate until you remember how many men in that room don't know what consent is. #EpsteinFiles

Obama woulda walked over there picked that flag up and put his hand over his heart.

Going from “Grab ‘em by the pussy” to “Quiet piggy” is not really the arc I want in my president.

A fun thing to do if you have MAGA relatives is print out the Epstein emails, laminate them, and use them for placemats at Thanksgiving.

When the WGA and SAG/AFTRA are holding the line but the DGA swoops in and messes it up for everybody. www.nytimes.com/2025/11/09/u...

I thought this was an alligator ice sculpture melting into astroturf.

Does anyone else feel weirdly calmed as we get closer to polar night on Svalbard or is that just my side of TikTok?

“The US is invading Poland?” “No. Portland.” Is a conversation I just had.

This was so fun!

Maybe, just maybe, capitalism will be what saves democracy.

Unless she flew to Epstein's island, I do not care. Release the Epstein Files!

The last political column I was allowed to write in the @washingtonpost.com was a criticism of Obama. His people took issue with my piece, but we were respectful. Now he is tweeting in support of me. This is how free political speech and respect for debate *actually works*. Or used to work.

After years of complaining about cancel culture, the current administration has taken it to a new and dangerous level by routinely threatening regulatory action against media companies unless they muzzle or fire reporters and commentators it doesn’t like.

Labubus are Monchichis that somebody fed after midnight.

This is bringing up so much church shit for me. Menlo Park Presbyterian Church (Menlo Church) enabled predators for decades. Rev. Walt Gerber is dead now so I’ll never get to ask him why he protected those monsters. But I can ask every member of congress who forced these women into this position.

These survivors should not have to be doing this. I’m in awe that they are. But they should not have to. Release the fucking Epstein files.

Oh man. I went to bed early last night and missed all the “we thought the thing happened” fun on here.

Trying to help my teacher husband be a hero! #TaylorSwift #TravisKelce #FinallySomeGoodNews

Since Disney switched to MicrosoftTeams, the first five minutes of every notes call is spent waiting for the people who can't get in because, well, Teams. The second 5 is spent discussing how bad Teams is. Then afterwards we debrief (over Zoom) to discuss the notes and also how bad Teams is.

Bro. No means no. This is getting creepy.

Honestly shocked this number is so low.

Ready for the No Kings rally. I’m disgusted watching our country descend into fascism. America is worth fighting for. ❤️🇺🇸💙

Social media hasn’t been this fun since that night we all stayed up late waiting to see if Trump had Covid.

Going to bed as a West Coaster and knowing I’m going to wake up to at least 5 unhinged news stories everyday really hits different tonight.

It’s like watching two Beta Fish in a bowl eat each other. #TrumpMusk

IT'S WRITING WEATHER AND I'M ON SCRIPT! Praise Poseidon!

Let them eat tariffs!

I look forward to not having to routinely explain to my parents that Max is HBO not Cinemax.

The immense challenge of giving Daisy her meds.

My friend has a government job and she once had to turn down a five dollar Starbucks card because it could be considered a bribe.

Pope Francis: I’m going to be JD Vance’s worst papal nightmare. Pope Leo: Hold my Malort.

I’m so excited we won’t have to pay a tarif on the new pope.

I’m so annoyed with myself for not coming up with this. Man just put me to shame.

JD Vance and Marco Rubio are outside the Vatican right now chanting, STOP THE STEAL.

Chicago gonna be lit tonight. Catholics celebrating in the streets and flipping cars like the Cubs just took the series.

Hear me out. A children’s picture book about the seagulls on the roof of the Sistine Chapel during the Conclave.

Me shifting into some sort of feral protector mode every time Trump talks about little girls.

I had a lisp as a kid so this is not my first time saying, May the Fourth be with you.

I saw this on my walk this morning and am still shook. I feel like only Gen Xers will know what I’m talking about.

Grifting off the resurrection of Christ is certainly a vibe.

Thank you to Harvard for attempting to make up for the fact that they let Jared Kushner buy his way in.

We’re one news cycle away from learning incels hired a crisis PR firm to help them rebrand as “hey, it’s our choice!”

That final scene of The Pitt… 🥹❤️😭

Come on UCLA! Let’s go, ladies!! 💙💛🏀💙💛

The SNL writers hearing about this Penguin kerfuffle.

The Dow Jones is down bad.

Yes, the stock market may be tanking and our national security apparatus has never been more vulnerable and we're on the verge of both economic collapse and war, but it was all worth it to keep pronouns out of email signatures.