getting a text in the middle of the night and it's just my loathsome vizier saying "Your enemies lie in wait, my lord!!" what am I supposed to do with that. its four in the morning

in retrospect the metoo movement did not go too far and in fact should have been given spanish inquisition levels of power and authority

The Republican president is a pedophile who has doubled my healthcare costs and let scores of violent criminals out of jail. But a Democratic mayor-elect wants to make busses free in a city I don't live in. I have never felt more politically homeless.

we need a department of kerning

As all this disgusting Epstein shit starts surfacing more and more, I hope we don't lose sight of the fact that apparently every major media outlet knew everything and instead spent their time money and energy attacking the trans community.

So none of the Epstein stuff was released under Biden, and safe to say it probably wouldn’t have been under Kamala either. Some sort of irony that QAnon Trump supporters who wanted to elect him to expose and topple an elite pedophile ring might actually end up succeeding, but not how they thought.

Americans might not understand it, but in many cultures it’s considered bad or even immoral to be a child rapist

Trump Still Polling Well With Working-Class American Pedophiles https://theonion.com/trump-still-polling-well-with-working-class-american-pedophiles/

Unless there's video of them saying "we are engaged in a coverup of the most notorious child sex trafficking ring in world history," we won't know what's in their hearts when they engage in a coverup of the most notorious child sex trafficking ring in world history.

Sometimes I get jealous of people who are retiring, then I remember they’re nearing the end of their natural lifespan and I get even more jealous.

I can’t believe I traded my soul for chicken soup.

For twenty years I made a living pretending to know everything while hallucinating wildly and drawing dirty pictures but now AI has taken my job.

I… found a, uh… I found a guy?

he just like me fr

i'm like if an attention whore hated being perceived

You couldn’t make a movie like “Air Bud” today.

I want a big man to carry me around in a backpack

Atlas tugged.

Seems like Erika Kirk is about ready for her mourning after pill.

Remember to stay hydrated everyone! Dick Cheney's grave isn't gonna piss on itself.

Sunday = fun day~ wild bears playing at a public playground, captured by someone just passing by~🐻

Would love to see Scott’s face when JFK Jr comes to his rescue with a bottle of Ivermectin and a gallon of raw milk

the solution is clear. everyone has to start scamming their own parents

You ever think about how it took the universe billions and billions and billions of years before it produced its first bag of potato chips

Give me a treat boys and fill my bowl I wanna dress up as a spooky ghoul for milky ways

This belongs on a billboard in the middle of his district and let them all work it out.

Racoon: what is this stuff? Me: it’s our garbage Racoon: it’s delicious, I understand why you chase me away from it, do you eat it? Me: no we’re trying to get rid of it Racoon: ok I guess I don’t fucking understand at all then

I, too, have used my own vanity as a hack for better health and fitness 🤣

me: we turned them into pets! ancestor: amazing! how did you get them to like you?? me: we didn’t

Seriously, people ask me how my cooking is so good and the answer is 1) read the recipe 2) use more garlic

Waymo must be wiped from the face of the earth

Magician: wanna see some magic? Kid: Yeh! Magician: *pulls free will out of a hat* Kid: That's not magic. It's just an illusion.

Knickers

"The establishment is out to get me," I said to Joe Biden's former press secretary and Barack Obama's comms director during an interview with NBC News, a Comcast Company.

For my newsletter, I took a deeper look at the electoral record of WelcomePAC, a centrist group that produced that 352 page document advising Democrats to moderate once again. Turns out the campaigns they work for aren't winning. www.burnsnotice.com/fire-the-con...

you have been blessed by the mega-mittens lynx

Yeah I listen to Run The Jewels

when you masturbate you’re participating in an unbroken chain stretching back hundreds of thousands of years to the very first humans who stood in awe under the vast mystery of an unpolluted sky and retreated to their caves and hollows to yank pud to horny cave paintings. every stroke a holy mystery

check this out: hot dog balls

This remembers me of something I read a while ago: “If the barista of the coffee shop around the corner needs to drive 45 minutes to work, you’re living in a theme park.“

Not everybody on the team gets to leave the bench bud.

Shadow puppet: you’re not even real Finger puppet: stop projecting

You think THAT’S bad, get a load of mine! -me as a doctor