Watching Alien: Earth and googling “when does that rich barefoot fuck get gobbled by an alien?”

This was in with the Epstein drawings

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

We KNOW the 🤡 wasn't an FBI informant because he would have told the world he was the very BEST informant the world has ever seen by now.

It’s weird to watch Apocalypse Now and be on the side of the apocalypse.

I’m offended by this both as an autistic person and Tylenol enthusiast.

in middle school i got it in my head that i needed a cooler way to answer the phone so i picked up one day and said ‘talk to me baby’ and it was my grandmother calling from the nursing home and she immediately had me put my dad on the phone so they could laugh uproariously at what id just done

Why won't they tell us if Mr. Peanut's dick is shaped like a peanut? I'm sick of filling out Freedom of Information requests

Stay tuned for an AI President.

If Trump is really still alive, he should go on Hot Ones.

New plan: we get Obama to demand the death certificate

when president garfield was dying, they shoved a bunch of stuff up his butt in the hopes it would save him. it didn't work, in fact it definitely killed him quicker. but if any white house guys are reading this: you're the chosen one, you can make it work

If it’s true, this would be the best way to celebrate Labor Day.

It’s so weird that 95 percent of NextDoor is people mad to the moon and back about poor people being in their neighborhood, and the other 5 percent is people asking for money.

So many adults have to fail a child before he ends up 10 years old telling CNN about the mass shooting he lived through this morning

My daughter asked me if it’s ok if men wore dresses. I said yes, and to illustrate my point I told her that women used to get thrown in jail for wearing pants. And to that she said, “THEY THREW THE PANTS IN JAIL?”

To her credit, I told my six year old daughter about lesbians, and she said “having a wife sounds nice.”

I fixed the Cracker Barrel logo if anyone is interested! #illustration #branding

They don’t tell you this, but at the end of the Pina Colada song, the couple kills each other.

Underrated British foods: Chip butty Jammy dodger Beef hob Lurm Minty Spunk Ocelot's kink Red haze Tom's bad one Eel dingles Heeuuurrrp Welly Poof Slap n' figgy Baked arm Humpstoop Digby flutes Merp and kidney pie Cardamom sharts Lassie mogs Scantron toast Queen merkins Gas pips

People like to say to me as a late diagnosed autistic woman that I’m just doing it for the attention. I’m like, no, that’s what the multiple feather boas I own are for.

Man was not meant to think this much about Cracker Barrel.

Don’t mind me being a middle-aged dad on the main, but I love the Billy Joel documentary.

NFTs were a bubble, AI is a bubble, but small carvings of large hipped women have remained popular with unsettling lighthouse keepers for 200 years, invest with confidence

As the newly named CEO of Target, I’d first like to announce that all of our employees are now bisexual

This script was how I first learned of the radioactive Walmart shrimp and honestly no notes

I’ve had a Catastrophe shaped hole inside me since the show ended, and Too Much and Colin from Accounts are helping to fill it.

Changes less embarrassing than MSNBC’s rebrand to MS Now: •Every anchor gets facial piercings, even (especially!) Lawrence O’Donnell •Animal sidekicks •Scenes of The West Wing broadcast at random •More nudity

BREAKING: President Trump sends the National Guard to the Roku City

jordan peterson getting into having unrecognized diseases is so babygirl coded of him. i hope he becomes a chronic lyme influencer

This guy’s whole thing is cosplaying as a cowboy. Why on god’s green earth would he drive a *Jeep* and not ride a horse? He wouldn’t have to buckle up and he complete his silly little costume.

Goon,

🎵 visible poverty is not the same thing as crime🎵

hear me out here, what if none of it is a 'distraction' and they're just doing a lot of horrible shit simultaneously

Guy having a loud cell phone conversation in the Wendy’s dining room thinks “people should have more self awareness” and that “gentle parenting is nonsense.”

Death to Smoochy. I loved it do much I saw it twice opening weekend.

Every song written in the early 2010s was named “Home” and sung by guys in hats whistling. We listened to them while getting mustaches tattooed on our fingers, and we liked it.

this is where i'm at mentally these days

Happy Dave-Matthews-Band-Chicago-River-Incident Day to all who celebrate

At first I thought this was a poster for a cursed movie about a May-December romance between ICE agents:

"we will take the people who make your phone unusable by calling 12 times a day and hang them in the town square" would win 70% of the vote

as the inventor of slicing a sandwich at a deli just enough that it looks like you have two clean halves but the bottom slice tears in a fucked up way when you try to separate the halves, i am honored to be nominated by our beloved president to head the food and drug administration

Both the Frozen movies are about finding out a guy you thought was good is bad.

Bobby Hill being a successful, confident adult is making me proud of him like he's a real kid I knew

Sean Duffy had some weird takeaways from Goodnight Moon.

I just frowned so hard I pulled a muscle.

Happy new King of the Hill episodes to all whom celebrate!