did anyone ever find out why bush jr always looked like a mischevious chimp that is trying not to let an uninjured firefly out of his mouth because it’s his little secret

the ghost of a soldier who perished at the end of napoleonic wars: oh boy, the man i haunt for being descended from the british soldier who killed me is attending the 1974 eurovision contest in the brighton dome. i wonder what song will win

bipolar explained: sometimes i get really irritable and fixed mindset, and it’s because my sense of reality has been warped by a depressive episode. and sometimes at 4 am i’ll shout to friends wHO THE FUCK SAID LIONS ARE KING OF THE JUNGLE. THEYRE NOT EVEN IN THE JUNGLE ITS TIGERS. TIGERS ARE BIGGER

trying to get back into writing this ones called “ode to the lumpy streak of pulverized flesh and fur i saw in the middle of the intersection” no cause fuck man cause like how were you supposed to know that would happen like you were just a whatever you were

happy 2016. 2016 gonna be my year. can’t wait to congratulate president hillary clinton on her win later this year. 2016 gonna be my year

me and the homies when we find the guy who decided to make every show only eight episodes

i mean, yeah. maybe. but i kinda doubt it

dentist: and this one with the hook we like to call the Widowmaker me, about to be put under: oh cool, yeah like Overwatch

researcher separated from me by plexiglass: [places a picture frame on the wall crooked] me: [simian howling] researcher: [scribbling furiously] subject appears agitated

i love the internet so much. someone will find the time between their two oppressive jobs just trying to keep the lights on to make themselves some dinner and post a picture of the meal and some wealthy white seventeen year old girl will be like “you shouldn’t post that during the Sudanese famine”

asexual dude who pretends to be interested in cuckolding so that he just doesn’t have to participate

Big Sister, projected on the massive screen above us: THE GAYS LOVE HALLOWEEN me, morosely: the gays love halloween Big Sister: HALLOWEEN IS FOR THE GAYS me, being given homework at 26: halloween is for the gays

i think one example of homophobia nobody talks about is that michelangelo is hands down the straightest ninja turtle

ancient romans will be like can we address the elephant in the room and then get beheaded by hannibal of carthage

person who claims to be able to turn lesbians straight but instead of an overconfident and egotistical man it’s a woman whose vibe is so rancid that people just take a break from the gender after meeting her

did not calibrate my boymoding properly and overshot the performed masculinity. ended up saying “enjoy the day boys” like skipper from madagascar. this was so much easier when i was in complete denial

@criticalrole.bsky.social while watching campaign 4 premiere with @mishtibby.bsky.social, i was taken with the impulse, when hal and teor were sharing in thjazi’s famous terrible liquor, to crack my dusty bottle of malort and take a shot. then i unpaused and liam called it malort right after lmao

oh so now when americans needs someone to come into our country uninvited and topple our government, nobody wants to volunteer. god pay it forward

radiohead honestly goes pretty hard once you let go of the idea that music is supposed to sound good

@mishtibby.bsky.social drew an unloved walrus

i feel that the writers of the little mermaid could have done more to explain what exactly is so terrible about being a mermaid

nobody played jenga on september 12th, 2001

let the record state that life in plastic is NOT always fantastic btw

they always say fit as a fiddle, but they never bother to show you how fit their fiddle is. we just have to take their word for it, and there might not even be a real fiddle involved

they can take away my liberty. they can take away my life. but they will never take away my teal stanley cup inexplicably signed by former secretary of health and human services kathleen sebelius. i am very attached to my teal stanley cup inexplicably signed b

apparently “can i help you guys find anything” is code for “please stop attempting to fit all the cotton balls in the makeup aisle into your open mouths” but no one told ME that. you’re punishing ME for YOUR lack of clarity

how come everyone is like oh i can’t live without oxygen?? i think that’s fostering dependency. thats codependent as hell. personally i do not see the appeal

in my teen years, i had some real darkness inside me. ever since i swallowed that depleted uranium though, people say that i bring light to any situation. they say i’m practically glowing

am i obsessed with socrates or something

god why is everyone FREAKING OUT about me sipping a little gasoline bro. literally NATURAL gas. fucking ORGANIC chemical

if we averaged out jordan peterson and ben shapiro do you think we would get an insufferable prick who talks at a normal rate

can we stop saying 'deported' when we mean 'kidnapping and shipping to a third country with no relationship to the origin of this person'.

game freak: steel is super effective against ice the ghost of a guy who died on the titanic: excuse me

is this anything: call my coworkers stick shift drivers the way they have to avoid setting off a temperamental tranny

you can’t illegally enter stolen land

hate when someone is just like girls who play the bass are soooo hot and i try to weigh into the conversation and without fail they’re like i don’t give a shit about your four stringed instrument, get me a shawty who knows how to manipulate freshwater fish

some banks will be like “balance under 20 dollars, charging 20 dollar under 20 dollars fee”

gen z kid: a taki would kill a victorian child victorian child: oh ok yeah and tuberculosis would kill you. dumbass. dipshit. we’ll trade, i’ll try your taki you develop black lung. jokester.

how do we know plato didn’t make up socrates entirely. and if we have proof he was real how do we know plato knew him. maybe republic is just rpf

trump: today i shot a man in the head for no reason weird maga guy: uhhh what he’s really doing is stimulating the bullet industry. this creates jobs for lead miners in humble rust belt states

don’t ever choose the row right behind first class on a flight. i caught a glimpse through the curtain of an entire roast pig with an apple in its mouth being served to the first class passengers before a flight attendant abrasively shut the curtain further.

What if the way playing card decks make the ace of spades ornate and stylized because it's the strongest card in the deck, they somehow made the two of clubs extra meager and pathetic as the weakest card in the deck. A two of clubs where the circular parts are all the 🥺 emoji. Artificial coffee ring

As a free thinker alpha male one of my highest values is unquestioning obedience to authority. Boss knows best, that's why he's the boss

i feel like this guy has a hitler origin story except instead of being rejected from art school he was rejected by mumford and sons to be the spoons player or something cuz he couldn’t find the beat. and he can’t get over it. he still dresses like he’s in the band and drinks IPA in a mason jar

"It was a Roman salute" is an updated version of "actually, the Buddhists also used swastikas." If you are using it post-1945, you know very well that the association has changed.

when i was little, i found out that cats have brains the size of walnuts. and the next time i went to the store i held a walnut in my hand and starting crying

reading plato’s republic in college made me soooo jealous of the people who got to poison socrates

perhaps if i find myself terminally ill and i choose to die on my own terms, i'll do so on the beaches of normandy. can you imagine my friends and family saying i died on the beaches of normandy over 100 years (hopefully) after world war two