me: hi bella bella: FUCKING RED ALERT STAY AWAY FROM ME BITCH I HAVE MACE me: okay bella: where you goin :) me: uh me: so you do want to play then bella: yeah :) me: hey bella- bella: ILL FUCKING KILL YOU

a part of me will always find it kind of funny in a real sadistic way that every major platform or websites dev team will periodically be like :) we’re really excited to launch our new feature and then the platform will surge with people going HOW TO OPT OUT and MY VIDEO ON HOW TO DISABLE NEW UPDATE

when you get stared at by #babies as often as i #do, it stops #seeming like a coincidence

once when i was little i opened a sealed bag of lays and it was already empty. looking back i think i deserve financial compensation for that

saw some dudes out in the wild complaining that hockey is gay now cause of heated rivalry. i think if they knew about the sheer volume of hockey rpf on ao3 they’d have an aneurysm lmao

the guy who coined “like herding cats” right before his magnum opus: okay, what’s a universal experience

it sucks that i still see people supporting a large creator on this platform when they literally shot me with their death ray in 2017

there should be more people who never swear because the lengths necessary to demonstrate the strengths of their emotions is always so much funnier [angriest they’ve ever been] what in the sam hill [fearing for their very life] OH GOOD GRAVY [climaxing in bed] oh GOLLY linda

if i end up getting the opportunity to time travel and therefore saddled with the ethical responsibility to kill hitler, i don't think i could kill a BABY hitler. how would i even be so certain i have the right baby. killing a baby is just dark. i think i'd go for like. 16 year old adolf

you listen to indie music made by transfems and it’ll be like [industrial NIN type beat with a sneaker in a washing machine layered over it] MY MAKEUPS SMEARED WITH BLOOD/ I’M A FEMCEL CHUD [evil glissando] THE GOVERNMENT STOLE MY COCK/ I’LL BEAT YOU WITH THIS ROCK

realized that straight men who make jokes that gay men are consciously putting on the gay voice actually are shutting themselves out from a way funnier idea, that all straight men are desperately fighting against a powerful rip current of campiness desperate to burst out of then whenever they talk

americans when ronald reagan got elected for a second term: this is literally 1984

did anyone ever find out why bush jr always looked like a mischevious chimp that is trying not to let an uninjured firefly out of his mouth because it’s his little secret

the ghost of a soldier who perished at the end of napoleonic wars: oh boy, the man i haunt for being descended from the british soldier who killed me is attending the 1974 eurovision contest in the brighton dome. i wonder what song will win

happy 2016. 2016 gonna be my year. can’t wait to congratulate president hillary clinton on her win later this year. 2016 gonna be my year

me and the homies when we find the guy who decided to make every show only eight episodes

i mean, yeah. maybe. but i kinda doubt it

dentist: and this one with the hook we like to call the Widowmaker me, about to be put under: oh cool, yeah like Overwatch

researcher separated from me by plexiglass: [places a picture frame on the wall crooked] me: [simian howling] researcher: [scribbling furiously] subject appears agitated

i love the internet so much. someone will find the time between their two oppressive jobs just trying to keep the lights on to make themselves some dinner and post a picture of the meal and some wealthy white seventeen year old girl will be like “you shouldn’t post that during the Sudanese famine”

asexual dude who pretends to be interested in cuckolding so that he just doesn’t have to participate

Big Sister, projected on the massive screen above us: THE GAYS LOVE HALLOWEEN me, morosely: the gays love halloween Big Sister: HALLOWEEN IS FOR THE GAYS me, being given homework at 26: halloween is for the gays

i think one example of homophobia nobody talks about is that michelangelo is hands down the straightest ninja turtle

ancient romans will be like can we address the elephant in the room and then get beheaded by hannibal of carthage

person who claims to be able to turn lesbians straight but instead of an overconfident and egotistical man it’s a woman whose vibe is so rancid that people just take a break from the gender after meeting her

did not calibrate my boymoding properly and overshot the performed masculinity. ended up saying “enjoy the day boys” like skipper from madagascar. this was so much easier when i was in complete denial

@criticalrole.bsky.social while watching campaign 4 premiere with @mishtibby.bsky.social, i was taken with the impulse, when hal and teor were sharing in thjazi’s famous terrible liquor, to crack my dusty bottle of malort and take a shot. then i unpaused and liam called it malort right after lmao

oh so now when americans needs someone to come into our country uninvited and topple our government, nobody wants to volunteer. god pay it forward

radiohead honestly goes pretty hard once you let go of the idea that music is supposed to sound good

@mishtibby.bsky.social drew an unloved walrus

i feel that the writers of the little mermaid could have done more to explain what exactly is so terrible about being a mermaid

nobody played jenga on september 12th, 2001

let the record state that life in plastic is NOT always fantastic btw

they always say fit as a fiddle, but they never bother to show you how fit their fiddle is. we just have to take their word for it, and there might not even be a real fiddle involved

apparently “can i help you guys find anything” is code for “please stop attempting to fit all the cotton balls in the makeup aisle into your open mouths” but no one told ME that. you’re punishing ME for YOUR lack of clarity

how come everyone is like oh i can’t live without oxygen?? i think that’s fostering dependency. thats codependent as hell. personally i do not see the appeal

in my teen years, i had some real darkness inside me. ever since i swallowed that depleted uranium though, people say that i bring light to any situation. they say i’m practically glowing

am i obsessed with socrates or something

god why is everyone FREAKING OUT about me sipping a little gasoline bro. literally NATURAL gas. fucking ORGANIC chemical

if we averaged out jordan peterson and ben shapiro do you think we would get an insufferable prick who talks at a normal rate

can we stop saying 'deported' when we mean 'kidnapping and shipping to a third country with no relationship to the origin of this person'.

game freak: steel is super effective against ice the ghost of a guy who died on the titanic: excuse me

is this anything: call my coworkers stick shift drivers the way they have to avoid setting off a temperamental tranny

you can’t illegally enter stolen land

hate when someone is just like girls who play the bass are soooo hot and i try to weigh into the conversation and without fail they’re like i don’t give a shit about your four stringed instrument, get me a shawty who knows how to manipulate freshwater fish

some banks will be like “balance under 20 dollars, charging 20 dollar under 20 dollars fee”

gen z kid: a taki would kill a victorian child victorian child: oh ok yeah and tuberculosis would kill you. dumbass. dipshit. we’ll trade, i’ll try your taki you develop black lung. jokester.

how do we know plato didn’t make up socrates entirely. and if we have proof he was real how do we know plato knew him. maybe republic is just rpf