If life gives you lemons, ask for salt and tequila.

Today doesn’t wait. Why should you? Go make it legendary.

A lot of women say their husband’s never listen to them. I am proud to say I have never heard my wife say that.

l just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the pringle holder on the treadmill.

My body is not a temple, it is a church. Full of wine, bread and guilt!

Last night, I had a horrifying dream that disco was actually making a comeback. At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

Studies show 100% of people who drink water… eventually die.

(Insert yours below) positive mindset answers only "Life got better when..."

Good morning! Today is a blank page, it’s your opportunity to write something bold, kind, and unforgettable. Make the most of it!

If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.

I have never been the type to want to fit in, I will sit alone if I have too.

While I do subscribe to the "Happy Wife, Happy Life" philosophy. However there is a case to be made for a "Slightly Irritated Wife, Amusing Life" theory as well.

You might not know this, but jet lag is just your body refusing to accept your poor life choices.

Today I started a 28 day no swearing challenge. Which I will restart tomorrow.

Ancient philosophers believed that if you close your eyes, it gets dark.

Japanese Wisdom: • If it's not yours, don't take it. • If it's not right, don't do it. • If it's not true, don't say it. • If you don't know, be quiet.

If you don't hear from me... It's because I don't hear from you, it works both ways!

Growing old is a privilege, not a burden. I’ve known too many who never made it this far to take it for granted.

Whoever put the "s" in fastfood is a marketing genius.

My body knows how old I am, my mind simply refuses to accept that!

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, "Excuse my French" just after a swear word. I'll never forget the first time, at school, when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French!

It's not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

Sadly, I do most of my proofreading after I hit sned!

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

It is said in ancient China, “He who asks ‘Are we there yet?’ has not yet arrived.”

Marriage is accepting your wife can't remember where she left her keys, wallet or phone, but she knows exactly what you said 11 yrs ago on a Wednesday at 4:13 p.m.

As a husband, I have two missions in life: To calm the FPM (my wife) down when she's mad, and to make her mad when she's calm...

A great marriage is when you fall in love with your spouse more and more each day... except yesterday, yesterday she was bat shit crazy.

Health & Safety Tip: If your birth year starts with 19, you may want to consider no longer wrapping gifts sitting on the floor. Like and follow me for more safety tips.

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there. It was the bathroom, but still....

A huge thanks to the guy that just explained the word "plethora" to me. It means a lot.

What’s a bigger flex… Driving your exotic car to work? Or … Not having to drive to work at all?

I'm not training for a “summer body." I'm training so 60 year old me can still move, lift, explore the world and live life to the fullest.

My wife called me to tell me she saw a fox on the way to work. I asked her how she knew it was on its way to work. She hung up on me!

HR joined us for golf, they insisted we call the sand traps ‘personal development zones’.

Anyone else find the worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card? Haha!

Cold water isn’t just refreshing; it’s a reminder that even the simplest things can bring joy.

They say money doesn't buy happiness, but I'm accepting donations to test that theory.

You don’t stop having fun when you get old… You get old when you stop having fun!

For the record, I will never regret getting old. I know too many people who never had that privilege.

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there. It was the bathroom, but still....

I’m@so looking forward to summer… The rain gets warmer! #sydneyweather

Why is it so much easier to fall asleep on the couch unintentionally than to fall asleep in bed intentionally?

I am not saying I'm old.... but when I was in school, we made ashtrays for our parents in art class!

I may not be the most important person in your life... I just hope that when you hear my name, you smile and say, “That's my friend."

You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she's probably feeling mad.

What is the most non-sexually pleasurable thing you like to do?

I grew up eating what I found on my plate, wearing what my parents could afford. That's how I learned to be grateful and appreciative.

The Annual Rainfall Truth Report confirms: 100% of rain is water falling from the sky, with a margin of error of ±0.0001%.

A Porsche won’t solve all my problems, but surely it would be irresponsible of me to not test the theory.