I am hosting Have I Got News For You tonight! Ian‘s guest is Bella Hull and Paul‘s guest is Karl Turner MP. There’s something for everyone, by which I mean, everyone who is interested in the Labour Party or football. 9pm on BBC One.

What’s lovely is that you can also get this with whipped cream, plus a sprinkle of statins on top for crunch.

Like many many other people tonight, I suspect, we’re settling down to have our dinner in front of an old episode of Planet Earth. He was only 80 when he made this one! A stripling! Happy birthday Sir David 🍾

The implication of this speech bubble seems to be: “Vote Labour to support Keir Starmer, as the alternative is worse”. There is a logic to that, but wouldn’t have expected it from the Mail!

What a lovely day at the Phoenix Comic festival. Brilliant to see the artists up close, and even better to be reminded how excited children STILL ARE by reading, writing and drawing ✍️

Without a doubt, my TV highlight of the year - possibly decade.

The irony is, I don’t like the colour.

I'm not saying we're elderly parents, but today when I told my 2-year-old not to drop her food on the floor, she sang "Don't drop your food on the floor, Mrs Worthington."

I love an aspirational shop window.

This is genius, who is this guy?

SO proud to hear the name of our quiz in the mouth of Michael Palin and the words of Mackenzie Crook. How lovely to exist in that universe. Small Prophets is wonderful.

Well, I went to see Wuthering Heights in spite of myself, knowing from the sniffy reviews I would find it ridiculous. And I thought it was *wonderful*.

My goodness, I was not aware of this game-changer. www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmVD...

My little daughter: “Wow! Look! A toddler has won TWO World Records for playing snooker!” My husband: “That’s a foul. You’re supposed to keep one foot on the ground at all times.”

Like many people, I was impressed and excited by the story of the bus driver who chased a mugger, punched him in the face, then knocked him down and sat on him for half an hour waiting for the police. But I would say that this analysis, by Boris Johnson, is a bit of a stretch. *WWJD?*

At last, the end is in sight! Only Connect reaches its grand final tonight 🥁 🥁 🥁 Two lovely teams, the Pitchers and the 5Ks, wheel out all their brilliance in the attempt to become this year’s champions at 8pm on BBC Two.

But mine comes FREE with the licence fee! All you have to do is cut them out and stitch them together. Paradise Lost concludes tomorrow night, after the Only Connect final, 8pm on BBC Two.

This is my final column, I’m done. So I’m leaving with a good old-fashioned controversial blast of opinion. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/victori...

In my TV column today – well, it’s indiscreet, but I’m blowing the whistle on the likely next host of Strictly Come Dancing. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2026/01/1...

Tonight is the second semi final of this year’s Only Connect! The final semifinal, if you will. Last chance to join that great historical pantheon of finalists/Third Placers! Or, for you, antepenultimate chance to angrily eat Minstrels while scoring 0. Pitchers v. Worked Bees, 8pm on BBC Two

The last new Only Connect special of the year is on tonight! Even more important than the Third Place Playoff, it’s the THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF PLAYOFF! If you like threesomes, tune into BBC Two at 8pm.

Tonight’s Only Connect is a normal Monday night episode - back in the main series, and quite the challenge for anyone who’s been mainlining Tia Maria since Christmas Eve. The specials resume tomorrow night! 8pm, BBC Two

Happy Christmas Eve! The most festive of the Only Connect seasonal shows – the actual proper Only Connect Christmas special - is at 8 o’clock tonight, on BBC Two.

The Only Connect specials begin tonight! The first one was something of an experiment. I think we might have broken a few rules so I won’t say more than: I hope you enjoy it. Cheers! 🍻 8pm, BBC Two

From tomorrow night onwards, there’s a series of lighthearted Only Connect festive specials on BBC Two. But there’s a proper episode tonight at 8pm, for anyone who wants a last shot at difficulty before the liqueurs kick in. (When you watch tomorrow night’s, you’ll know how literally I mean that.)

Only Connect is on in half an hour! But don’t worry if you’re doing something else. Whatever it is, it’s bound to be more relaxing.

Winter Wonderland is great this year, but I must say there’s a terrible wait to use the phone.

One of my favourite questions of the series appears in tonight’s Only Connect - I’d better not tell you the whole thing, but it starts “A village in Norway, annually.” And if you can get it from that, I’ll see you next series! 8pm on BBC Two

My column today is about Joe Wilkinson, therapy and the Isle of Wight. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/the-coc...

Yes! That’s my gambling problem in a nutshell: I need a hand!

My column today is about Ballerina Farm, Secret Lives of Mormon Wives and my rickety past. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/trad-wi...

For once, in my TV column, I’ve got a great recommendation for you! www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/jon-ham...

I think I must have previously misunderstood the meaning of “wicker”.

Always in my comfort zone when asking awkward questions, tonight I enquire of the unsuspecting teams: *have you ever given blood*? It’s the closest Only Connect gets to a Halloween special, at 8pm on BBC Two.

My column today is about the wonderful Celebrity Traitors. I open with a wistful reflection on what to do when your pumpkins deflate and you pack away your wizards’ sleeves for winter. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/traitor...

How come primary school children are encouraged to go to school in costumes, but secondary school children aren’t? Anybody who thinks that 11 (or 13, or 35) is “time to grow up”, is profoundly wrong. happy Halloween!

I think I’ve found my new stage name

Bad news I’m afraid. There’s no football tonight, so Only Connect is on. 8pm, BBC Two

Blimey Diane. When I was pregnant, I barely got up to change the channel. #strictly

“The old bastard wouldn’t dare say that now”. My column today is about Victoria Beckham, Celebrity Traitors and a reminder there are some benefits to cancel culture. It also has a long list of jokes in it. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/victori...

My TV column today is about Jilly Cooper and Owen Wilson. If you don’t fancy paying the subscription charge, don’t worry: the opening line is the best bit and it’s free. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/owen-wi...

Only Connect is on tonight! And, *as far as I know*, all the facts I read out will be correct. But I guess we’ll soon find out. 8pm, BBC Two

Meanwhile, if you see a clip of me saying the ID card contract has gone to Tony Blair’s son: it hasn’t. That was something I was given to ask about on HIGNFY last night, but turns out to be a false report from the internet. Which is bad news for the fact checkers but good news for social mobility.

In my TV column today, I’m nostalgic for the days when anybody had a shred of privacy to invade. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/the-hac...

Making topical comedy at bleak news times can be so tough but, in my book, it’s thank heavens for the return of Have I Got News For You, where Ian and Paul work magic to conjure laughs when there are none. Tonight with wonderful Miles Jupp and Sheila Hancock - and me trying to host. 9pm on BBC One.

My column today is about cheerleaders! I had totally forgotten until I saw these gorgeous sparkly dancers on Strictly. Feeling Christmassy already. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/america...

In today's TV column I'm speculating about Muff Liquor, the Booker Prize and what Sarah Jessica Parker would think of my shoes. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/and-jus...

Is there a register of fraudster phone numbers? Some guy just rang with some nonsense about “your loft insulation”, but hung up when he realised I wouldn’t be easy enough to con. Should I try to put his number on a list somewhere? In separate news, Only Connect is on tonight !

Back writing a TV column after a long break, today it’s about The Thursday Murder Club and my own murderous attempts… www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/the-thu...

Only Connect is on tonight! In ten minutes, in fact! Never let it be said I forget to plug the programme when it’s on. On BBC Two, of course.