The last new Only Connect special of the year is on tonight! Even more important than the Third Place Playoff, it’s the THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF PLAYOFF! If you like threesomes, tune into BBC Two at 8pm.

Tonight’s Only Connect is a normal Monday night episode - back in the main series, and quite the challenge for anyone who’s been mainlining Tia Maria since Christmas Eve. The specials resume tomorrow night! 8pm, BBC Two

Happy Christmas Eve! The most festive of the Only Connect seasonal shows – the actual proper Only Connect Christmas special - is at 8 o’clock tonight, on BBC Two.

The Only Connect specials begin tonight! The first one was something of an experiment. I think we might have broken a few rules so I won’t say more than: I hope you enjoy it. Cheers! 🍻 8pm, BBC Two

From tomorrow night onwards, there’s a series of lighthearted Only Connect festive specials on BBC Two. But there’s a proper episode tonight at 8pm, for anyone who wants a last shot at difficulty before the liqueurs kick in. (When you watch tomorrow night’s, you’ll know how literally I mean that.)

Only Connect is on in half an hour! But don’t worry if you’re doing something else. Whatever it is, it’s bound to be more relaxing.

Winter Wonderland is great this year, but I must say there’s a terrible wait to use the phone.

One of my favourite questions of the series appears in tonight’s Only Connect - I’d better not tell you the whole thing, but it starts “A village in Norway, annually.” And if you can get it from that, I’ll see you next series! 8pm on BBC Two

My column today is about Joe Wilkinson, therapy and the Isle of Wight. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/the-coc...

Yes! That’s my gambling problem in a nutshell: I need a hand!

My column today is about Ballerina Farm, Secret Lives of Mormon Wives and my rickety past. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/trad-wi...

For once, in my TV column, I’ve got a great recommendation for you! www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/jon-ham...

I think I must have previously misunderstood the meaning of “wicker”.

Always in my comfort zone when asking awkward questions, tonight I enquire of the unsuspecting teams: *have you ever given blood*? It’s the closest Only Connect gets to a Halloween special, at 8pm on BBC Two.

My column today is about the wonderful Celebrity Traitors. I open with a wistful reflection on what to do when your pumpkins deflate and you pack away your wizards’ sleeves for winter. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/traitor...

How come primary school children are encouraged to go to school in costumes, but secondary school children aren’t? Anybody who thinks that 11 (or 13, or 35) is “time to grow up”, is profoundly wrong. happy Halloween!

I think I’ve found my new stage name

Bad news I’m afraid. There’s no football tonight, so Only Connect is on. 8pm, BBC Two

Blimey Diane. When I was pregnant, I barely got up to change the channel. #strictly

“The old bastard wouldn’t dare say that now”. My column today is about Victoria Beckham, Celebrity Traitors and a reminder there are some benefits to cancel culture. It also has a long list of jokes in it. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/victori...

My TV column today is about Jilly Cooper and Owen Wilson. If you don’t fancy paying the subscription charge, don’t worry: the opening line is the best bit and it’s free. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/owen-wi...

Only Connect is on tonight! And, *as far as I know*, all the facts I read out will be correct. But I guess we’ll soon find out. 8pm, BBC Two

Meanwhile, if you see a clip of me saying the ID card contract has gone to Tony Blair’s son: it hasn’t. That was something I was given to ask about on HIGNFY last night, but turns out to be a false report from the internet. Which is bad news for the fact checkers but good news for social mobility.

In my TV column today, I’m nostalgic for the days when anybody had a shred of privacy to invade. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/the-hac...

Making topical comedy at bleak news times can be so tough but, in my book, it’s thank heavens for the return of Have I Got News For You, where Ian and Paul work magic to conjure laughs when there are none. Tonight with wonderful Miles Jupp and Sheila Hancock - and me trying to host. 9pm on BBC One.

My column today is about cheerleaders! I had totally forgotten until I saw these gorgeous sparkly dancers on Strictly. Feeling Christmassy already. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/america...

In today's TV column I'm speculating about Muff Liquor, the Booker Prize and what Sarah Jessica Parker would think of my shoes. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/and-jus...

Is there a register of fraudster phone numbers? Some guy just rang with some nonsense about “your loft insulation”, but hung up when he realised I wouldn’t be easy enough to con. Should I try to put his number on a list somewhere? In separate news, Only Connect is on tonight !

Back writing a TV column after a long break, today it’s about The Thursday Murder Club and my own murderous attempts… www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/the-thu...

Only Connect is on tonight! In ten minutes, in fact! Never let it be said I forget to plug the programme when it’s on. On BBC Two, of course.

I think tonight’s episode of Only Connect is the one where I was struggling not to laugh during my introductory remarks. Also I wore black, meaning I appeared legless at the wall (as usual). Oh well, I never claimed to be a professional. (8pm, BBC Two)

Today’s NYT Connections game brought back happy memories of Christmas 2024. Honestly, these coincidences mount up and up.

To celebrate (or, as I call it, CEREBRATE) the return of Only Connect on Monday, my column this week is a little playalong quiz! You can press the buttons and everything. Very high tech. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/only-co...

We are past the mid point of July, the air is warm, the dahlias are flowering. Is it time to start relaxing for the summer, winding down and having some fun? NO IT ISN’T. Only Connect returns Monday night, 8pm on BBC Two.

I’ve been a bit out of touch with poker tournaments the last couple of years (I’ll come back one day!) but happy and excited to see Leo Margets is at the WSOP final table - first woman in decades to get there. Diversity is the spice of life, GL. 💃 💪 🎲

It looks so hot on that court. If I was playing this match against Sinner OR Alcaraz, I swear I wouldn’t win more than one game at the most.

My TV column today details the fantasies I have about women. [WHAT clickbait?] www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/tom-hol...

Life advice: never leave your phone microphone on while writing a work email in case you discover AFTER HAVING SENT IT that it took note of a conversation one of your children was having in the background.

How do they get AWAY with this? I mean, however American your accent might be, PRUSSIAN?!

My TV column today contains a verdict on Squid Game and a delicious vegan recipe! Confuse the two at your peril. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/squid-g...

This idea is an abomination.

In my TV column today: a fantastic new Netflix series and some spooky questions about Instagram… www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/steve-c...

… or was that just a hurried explanation when the police burst in?

I just rang the Speaking Clock. What a nice voice it’s got at the moment! I was so glad to find it’s still there. Like going to your grandparents’ old house from childhood and finding they’re actually at home.

My column today is about Ben Affleck and J-Lo, in which I attempt to avoid using the phrase “No man can fill her hole”. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/ben-aff...

My TV column today is about a programme that might be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/last-on...

What connects Alan Richmond, Thomas Whitmore, Allan Trumbull and Merkin Muffley? My column this week is about… well, if I tell you what it’s about, you’ll have the answer. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/netflix...

Do you feel that Donald Trump is not taken seriously enough? If so, then you’d best avoid Have I Got News For You tonight. 9pm on BBC One; Ian’s guest is Chris McCausland, Paul’s is Janet Street-Porter, and they’ve let me have another go in the host’s chair.

Just seen they’re repeating the “Only Connect Sounds Special” on BBC2 tonight, at 8pm before the University Challenge final. That was a nice episode, I’m glad it’s getting a second airing. But apologies to the visually impaired, who can usually escape our show but have no excuse with this one!

Playing a triv game, my small daughter just said “In science fiction questions, it’s always Darth Vader or Wilf Skyscraper”. I’m so proud. (Her father distraught).