I think I must have previously misunderstood the meaning of “wicker”.

Always in my comfort zone when asking awkward questions, tonight I enquire of the unsuspecting teams: *have you ever given blood*? It’s the closest Only Connect gets to a Halloween special, at 8pm on BBC Two.

My column today is about the wonderful Celebrity Traitors. I open with a wistful reflection on what to do when your pumpkins deflate and you pack away your wizards’ sleeves for winter. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/traitor...

How come primary school children are encouraged to go to school in costumes, but secondary school children aren’t? Anybody who thinks that 11 (or 13, or 35) is “time to grow up”, is profoundly wrong. happy Halloween!

I think I’ve found my new stage name

Bad news I’m afraid. There’s no football tonight, so Only Connect is on. 8pm, BBC Two

Blimey Diane. When I was pregnant, I barely got up to change the channel. #strictly

“The old bastard wouldn’t dare say that now”. My column today is about Victoria Beckham, Celebrity Traitors and a reminder there are some benefits to cancel culture. It also has a long list of jokes in it. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/victori...

My TV column today is about Jilly Cooper and Owen Wilson. If you don’t fancy paying the subscription charge, don’t worry: the opening line is the best bit and it’s free. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/owen-wi...

Only Connect is on tonight! And, *as far as I know*, all the facts I read out will be correct. But I guess we’ll soon find out. 8pm, BBC Two

Meanwhile, if you see a clip of me saying the ID card contract has gone to Tony Blair’s son: it hasn’t. That was something I was given to ask about on HIGNFY last night, but turns out to be a false report from the internet. Which is bad news for the fact checkers but good news for social mobility.

In my TV column today, I’m nostalgic for the days when anybody had a shred of privacy to invade. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/the-hac...

Making topical comedy at bleak news times can be so tough but, in my book, it’s thank heavens for the return of Have I Got News For You, where Ian and Paul work magic to conjure laughs when there are none. Tonight with wonderful Miles Jupp and Sheila Hancock - and me trying to host. 9pm on BBC One.

My column today is about cheerleaders! I had totally forgotten until I saw these gorgeous sparkly dancers on Strictly. Feeling Christmassy already. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/america...

In today's TV column I'm speculating about Muff Liquor, the Booker Prize and what Sarah Jessica Parker would think of my shoes. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/and-jus...

Is there a register of fraudster phone numbers? Some guy just rang with some nonsense about “your loft insulation”, but hung up when he realised I wouldn’t be easy enough to con. Should I try to put his number on a list somewhere? In separate news, Only Connect is on tonight !

Back writing a TV column after a long break, today it’s about The Thursday Murder Club and my own murderous attempts… www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/the-thu...

Only Connect is on tonight! In ten minutes, in fact! Never let it be said I forget to plug the programme when it’s on. On BBC Two, of course.

I think tonight’s episode of Only Connect is the one where I was struggling not to laugh during my introductory remarks. Also I wore black, meaning I appeared legless at the wall (as usual). Oh well, I never claimed to be a professional. (8pm, BBC Two)

Today’s NYT Connections game brought back happy memories of Christmas 2024. Honestly, these coincidences mount up and up.

To celebrate (or, as I call it, CEREBRATE) the return of Only Connect on Monday, my column this week is a little playalong quiz! You can press the buttons and everything. Very high tech. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/only-co...

We are past the mid point of July, the air is warm, the dahlias are flowering. Is it time to start relaxing for the summer, winding down and having some fun? NO IT ISN’T. Only Connect returns Monday night, 8pm on BBC Two.

I’ve been a bit out of touch with poker tournaments the last couple of years (I’ll come back one day!) but happy and excited to see Leo Margets is at the WSOP final table - first woman in decades to get there. Diversity is the spice of life, GL. 💃 💪 🎲

It looks so hot on that court. If I was playing this match against Sinner OR Alcaraz, I swear I wouldn’t win more than one game at the most.

My TV column today details the fantasies I have about women. [WHAT clickbait?] www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/tom-hol...

Life advice: never leave your phone microphone on while writing a work email in case you discover AFTER HAVING SENT IT that it took note of a conversation one of your children was having in the background.

How do they get AWAY with this? I mean, however American your accent might be, PRUSSIAN?!

My TV column today contains a verdict on Squid Game and a delicious vegan recipe! Confuse the two at your peril. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/squid-g...

This idea is an abomination.

In my TV column today: a fantastic new Netflix series and some spooky questions about Instagram… www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/steve-c...

… or was that just a hurried explanation when the police burst in?

I just rang the Speaking Clock. What a nice voice it’s got at the moment! I was so glad to find it’s still there. Like going to your grandparents’ old house from childhood and finding they’re actually at home.

My column today is about Ben Affleck and J-Lo, in which I attempt to avoid using the phrase “No man can fill her hole”. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/ben-aff...

My TV column today is about a programme that might be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/last-on...

What connects Alan Richmond, Thomas Whitmore, Allan Trumbull and Merkin Muffley? My column this week is about… well, if I tell you what it’s about, you’ll have the answer. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/netflix...

Do you feel that Donald Trump is not taken seriously enough? If so, then you’d best avoid Have I Got News For You tonight. 9pm on BBC One; Ian’s guest is Chris McCausland, Paul’s is Janet Street-Porter, and they’ve let me have another go in the host’s chair.

Just seen they’re repeating the “Only Connect Sounds Special” on BBC2 tonight, at 8pm before the University Challenge final. That was a nice episode, I’m glad it’s getting a second airing. But apologies to the visually impaired, who can usually escape our show but have no excuse with this one!

Playing a triv game, my small daughter just said “In science fiction questions, it’s always Darth Vader or Wilf Skyscraper”. I’m so proud. (Her father distraught).

He is now very annoyed that it was only one point below my own category, “Barrel of Laughs.” “One point?” he keeps huffing. “ONE POINT separates Barrel of Laughs from Captain Boring?”

My husband just got challenged by our daughter to complete a quiz in the Beano, “How funny are you?” He scored 4 out of 12, achieving the rank “Captain Boring”.

Just went to see Oliver! in London - what a wonderful show and Simon Lipkin is really *phenomenal*. Reminds me of the night I was meant to star as the Artful Dodger at school but couldn’t due to stage fright. Mind you, I was only 9. Mind you, SO ARE MANY OF THIS WEST END CAST. ❤️

Is it ever okay to manterrupt? In my TV column this week, I’ve been watching ‘The Baldwins’ and thinking about their marriage. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/alec-ba...

I posted about Heresy yesterday when it wasn’t on. Then I forgot to tweet it today when it was. I’m SO bad at social media. Luckily it’s a great programme. Laura Smyth, Ignacio Lopez and Sally Phillips; bet you can’t listen without laughing. www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

Plenty of oral sex, not many jokes; Towards Zero is like the opposite of my honeymoon. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/agatha-...

The penultimate Heresy has a line-up I’m so proud to announce: Grayson Perry, Desiree Burch and (doing his FIRST EVER radio panel show, in FORTY YEARS of comedy stardom): Ben Elton! All three as wonderful as you’d hope. Do not miss. 6.30pm tonight on BBC Radio 4.

Following yesterday’s column, I’ve received this spam. My usual gloomy trepidation about our communications being overheard and monitored by the mysterious Big Brother of techno-capitalism are tempered by the evidence that at least it got completely the wrong end of the stick.

If I got murdered in a Thai spa resort, at least I wouldn’t have to go to yoga. My TV column today is about The White Lotus, and what other people consider to be “pampering”. www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/white-l...

It is a very funny episode of Heresy tonight, with Steph McGovern, Desiree Burch and David Baddiel discussing Dry January, digital money and whether you should tell the woman sitting near you in a restaurant that her husband is texting his mistress from the table. 6.30pm on Radio 4.

Tonight at 6.30pm on Radio 4, it’s Heresy! David Mitchell, Phil Wang and Jo Bunting debate grass, conspiracy theories and whether we’ve had enough Prime Ministers in recent years.

It’s D-Day! Yes, the Grand Final of Only Connect is also the Dth episode! No expense spared, or indeed spent. Join us for the party as two great teams battle for championship at 8pm tonight on BBC Two. Bring your own booze, because I drank all ours. #OnlyConnect #DthEpisode