"I am totally going to kill myself, and if I am found dead it definitely won't have been done by government agents involved in a cover up."

That London, ladies and gentleman.

That's my earworm for the afternoon sorted then, even without clicking the play button.

I don't know why Richard Dawkins needs an AI girlfriend after buying pheromone aftershave from the classified ads in Razzle.

Bought one of those fancy radar rear lights for my bike. It's like having eyes in the back of my head.

Surely everybody in the world who wants a Shopify website has one by now? There really can't be a need for it to be advertised on every single podcast any more, can there?

Looking for love in all the wrong places. (JD Wetherspoons)

Couple of hours out on the bike in the sunshine. Cider with my wife and friends in my favourite beer garden. Beyond burgers for tea. Today has been a good day.

Beer garden!

Lots of unusually polite and sensible drivers on today's bike ride. Maybe the sunshine has put people in a good mood?

Just had electoral material from both Reform and the Tories through the letterbox. 🤮

I didn't see a lot of #TOTP last night but I did catch Pat and Mick doing Let's All Chant, so of course that's today's stupid earworm.

Is this supposed to be riffing on John Coltrane? #TOTP

Carly Simon's "You're So Vain" is on the radio. Honestly, it could have been written about me.

Why is it quicker for something to get from China to Evri than it is for it to get from Evri to me?

Quote with a photo you've taken of some public art

Bryan Johnson's partner may have a top percentile vagina, but a doctor once told the student nurse observing my vasectomy that I have an excellent scrotum.

I didn't even know that there was a vagina league table.

Funny how he only mentioned this after it was revealed that he had received a £5 million donation from a Thai based businessman, because he couldn't stop wanging on about a rather more trivial milkshake.

Advertise your account using one (1) Simpsons image

You'd imagine that if the garage door blew shut behind you, trapping you inside when you'd only popped out to get a bottle of tonic, it would take your wife less than twenty minutes to realise and rescue you, wouldn't you? Yeah, me too. I imagined that.

My usual cycle route to work is unavailable due to roadworks, so I'm trying to find an alternative that is convenient, won't bring me into conflict with pedestrians, and won't put my life in mortal danger. It's proving a lot harder than it should be.

Choose the form of the Destructor.

Dire-rear?

Spotted outside the Probation office.

Just put on freshly washed jeans so currently goose-stepping to the bus stop.

Good.

Had to excuse myself from my online training because the stray cat we feed wouldn't stop meowing at the back door.

Top loafing.

Happy St. George's day to all who celebrate.

Happy St George's Day to all who celebrate.

My lad has been microwaving cauliflower for some reason. 🤮

Geoff singing for his supper. #notmycat

Bust my best food "Vegan Wanker" mug. Gutted. 😭

Lock up your kids, Mad Nad's got the horn.

I'm in. How much is a ticket?

I am on a virtual course. Have all my fellow learners completed the checklist to ensure they can access the remote resources? Bluesky, they have not. 😐

Is there a major sporting event coming up or has the sunny weather brought about a resurgence of flag shaggery near my office?

Walking home from a friend's house, a car stalled at a junction. The car behind stopped, four blokes jumped out and smashed all the windows with baseball bats then ran off. Me and my wife walked away, trying to give the aura of people who had seen *nothing*.

Snot Rap was the first single I bought. 10p from the bargain bin in WH Smiths. #TOTP

I'm not convinced that is a real saw. #TOTP

Well this was an ill conceived cover. #ROTP

The young ladies gyrating to trance on #TOTP in the late nineties were pretty much the evolution of Pan's People, weren't they.

The Offspring there, with their song. #TOTP

Think of all the money we could save if every country in the world just agreed not to be run by stupid cunts.

"Starmer in peril" makes it sound like he's been tied to a railway track by the Hooded Claw.

Time to get drained.

When they say "food shortages", they mainly mean the chemical that they use to suffocate pigs.

*Taps microphone* Is this thing back on?

Good morning. Have you noticed this bowl is empty?