I could never be a rich person because I don’t like golf.

Nobody at this strip club wants to talk about Jhumpa Lahiri’s Roman Stories with me.

They never know how to react when you walk into Golden Corral, take a theatrical look around, and then announce, “This is where I’m going to die.”

The most underrated film of the last ten years.

Just watched Melania. Very disappointed there weren’t any nude scenes.

I just realized the eulogy I gave this afternoon was poorly received because I forgot to turn off my LED sneakers.

My only fear about aliens coming to earth is that if I was the first human they met they'd find me really boring and just leave.