(EGGMAN): THE WORLD IS GOING TO BE DESTROYED RIGHT NOW. I'M LOGGING OFF. (ROUGE): You shouldn't talk about your wife that way. (EGGMAN): I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK. That bitch can fuck off, I divorced her ass three hours ago.

(EGGMAN): THE WORLD WAS HER NEXT TARGET. BECAUSE HER JUSSY WAS NOT EVEN PLEASED ENOUGH SO SHE HAD TO HO HERSELF OUT AND BE THE BIGGEST THHHHHHHOT THAT YOUVE EVER SEEN

(EGGMAN): BUT IT DIDN'T HAPPEN! BECAUSE SHE DECIDED TO BECOME A FURRY FUCKER AND FUCKED THE WHOLE SONIC THE HEDGEHOG AND SHADOW TEAM WHICH DIDNT EVEN FUCKIN MATTER SINCE IT WENT INTO A NEW ARK AND THEN SHE FUCKED t h e w o r l d

(EGGMAN): She fuckin'- he fuckin'- she.. they fucked my wife! The animals fucked my wife! And then everybody fucking left because the fucking ship was gonna be destroyed. She was able to escape because I designed a robot that would be able to pleasure her in such an intense way that I would be able

(ROUGE): I'm not really sure what this says, I... I can only read basic English. (maria!) (AMY): I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO READ (ark.)

(EGGMAN): NO. I'm divorcing her ass, I'm throwing your ass in the garbage, I'm throwing ALL your asses in the garbage. I'm taking your CDs and weed

(SONIC): Yeah, but we can fix it, I promise. Just join us!

(SONIC): Eggman... We can make amends- (EGGMAN): what the fuck, shut the fuck up. Shut the FUCK up. Everybody's fucked my wife!

(EGGMAN): YOU DONE DID IT NOW. I'm so sick. My father's here- (KNUCKLES): I'm so sick of fuckin' your wife! She's a tired old hag! Wait. where am i

(KNUCKLES): Whoa! But I wanted the last thing I breathed to be pot!

(GERALD): As you are destroyed... and as you see my son's tetris dick... I will make sure... that every waking moment... until the very last... is the last thing that you will ever breathe.

(GERALD): It seems... that as all come today... that I... must... destroy you all... for leaking my son's nudes. I cannot believe that this has happened. It is time... for you all... to see... the last thing that you will ever see.

(EGGMAN): Who is THIS? (shocked eggman sounds) d... d.... daddy? daddy is that you?

(EGGMAN): Finally. Y'know what? My nudes are up. My Twitter logged on. And my boners are turned off. I'm gonna fu- what the hell is going on.

(WORDS) (WORDS APPEARING ON THE SCREEN) (KINDA STEALING MY THUNDER HERE)

(SHADOW): also perish (SONIC): okay

(SONIC): So if I were to put it in a blender... Would that like... (SHADOW): Yes, that's right. It would still look exactly the same. It defies nature like that. (SONIC): Oh my god. that's... that's Lovecraftian!

(SHADOW): And so then I told Eggman, "I swear, it looks like all of them at once, you big Gru-looking bitch." (SONIC): Oh my god really? Are you telling- that's, that's the truth? It really.. every single one of them at once? (SHADOW): It's true.

(SONIC): Okay. How fast do you wanna run? Two fast? Three fast? Twelve fast. (SHADOW): That's not grammatically correct, you insolent fucko.

(SONIC): Oh, hey! I'm glad to be here! Do we have jackets? (SHADOW): No. But we do have shoes. And they let us run really, really fast.

(SONIC): What the... I'm here again? It's like a dream- (SHADOW): Welcome to Funland, Sonic. Also, welcome to the "Fucked Eggman's Wife" club.

(WELCOME TO FUNLAND!)

(ROUGE): What the fuck you hot topic hot sauce motherfucker? Why would you even say anything? (SHADOW): There's nothing hotter than hot sauce, Rouge.

(ROUGE): Hey, that's not how you're supposed to speak to a friend. I thought we were FRIENDS, Shadow. (SHADOW): Maybe friends with benefits. (ROUGE): Really? (SHADOW): No. You got a gross bat face.

(SHADOW): Anyway... begone, thot.

(EGGMAN): OH MY GOD. WHEN I SEE YOU ITS ON SIGHT. IT IS ON- (SHADOW): yeah piss off

(SHADOW): Wait, hold on. Is that Eggman- (EGGMAN): HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING ABOUT MY FUCKING DICK AGAIN

(SHADOW): It somehow looks like every single Tetris block at once.

(ROUGE): I have this manual of how to hack into the Twitter headquarters just so I can post it to the whole world, so you'd better hurry the fuck up with your explanation before I just DO IT.

(SHADOW): The real thing is worse, Rouge... (ZOOM) (SHADOW): Th- what was that zoom for

(ROUGE): Guess what, Robotnik? I have access to the Twitter headquarters. I'm gonna not only post your nudes on your Twitters, but on EVERYONE'S Twitters. (SHADOW): Don't do it! His dick is too disturbing for the world to see. Trust me, I've seen it in person. And the one you leaked? Photoshopped.

(fourteen unfiltered seconds of laughter)

(SHADOW): Maria... (kaboom)

(EGGMAN): Bitch you are gon get in this car or I'm poppin' between ya eyes. (AMY): Wait, I know you! I saw your dick on Twitter! (EGGMAN): OH GOD D--

(AMY): Aaahh... Hum-dee-dum-dee-dum-dum-dum. What? Oh... Where AM I? Why am I in a ship? OH!

(EGGMAN): Now I'm gonna go leave because... my dick is actually the nose of this fucking machine. please behave yourself

(EGGMAN): Listen to me motherfucker, I know about yours because I crea-I mean, listen, you don't need to talk about my dick like that, listen, I just take pride in my egg-shaped dick, okay?

(EGGMAN): Where do you think YOU'RE going, cucker? (SHADOW): I don't talk to people whose dicks are less than three inches.

(EGGMAN): Ohhh no. Ohhhhh no, they put it all the way on the fucking islands. Now everyone's gonna know about my secret egg dick.

(EGGMAN): WHO posted my NUDES on Twitter dot com?!

(KNUCKLES): You're- I love you. You're the best woman... ever. ROUGE): I love you too. I'll meet you... behind the Denny's.

(KNUCKLES): Yeah, extra mayo! Just the way I like it! (ROUGE): Have at it.

(HERE COMES THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED)

(KNUCKLES): I'm gonna make a gonja sandwich!

(ROUGE) Yeah, take this weed! It's all yours. It's- I don't need it anymore.

(KNUCKLES) Weeeed!

(ROUGE): So, thanks for saving my life. I owe you one.

(ROUGE): You're not my DAD, don't fucking tell me what to DO! (EGGMAN): STOP CALLING SONIC ON OUR EVIL PHONE LINE

(ROUGE): Hey Sonic. (SONIC) hey bby- (EGGMAN): WHY IS- NO. You CAN'T be talking to Sonic anymore. You're not talking to Sonic.

(a single tear rolls down my cheek. beautiful)