Small Problems; Big Screen

I wonder if in the late 90s Brad Pitt and Matthew Perry ever talked about their recurrences on Growing Pains and had a laugh about what a weird buzzkill Kirk Cameron was over a line of coke.

Yesterday my dog grabbed a cat poop out of the litter box and brought it into the living room to eat it and I was cooking so my wife had to deal with it, so yeah, I’m doing pretty good!

13 years is way spookier than 28. Trust me.

I like Behind the Bastards because it’s given me a lot of context for WW2 but also weirdly for today’s specific news cycle.

Nicole Kidman leaning in close to breathe the last of your life-essence like Rebecca Ferguson in Doctor Sleep.

It was all hands on deck last night at the White House where staffers spent 16 hours tweeting “It’s Eve 6 not Steve 6” at The Pope.

Demon Slayer Yogen Früz

It’s true I consider Godzilla to be one of my best friends; but there are many issues about which we disagree. His belief that Japan should be periodically destroyed, for example.

Throwing a piece of scenery in-between Lilliard and D’Onofrio like that pool cue in The Dark Knight.

This feels a lot like the inciting incident in Miller’s Crossing.

Injecting ozempic into your balls is the new ‘shaving your pubes to make it look bigger.’

I’ve been searching my front yard for hours and haven’t found a goddamn Easter egg yet. This is bullshit.

People should treat DiCaprio winning an Oscar with the same incredulity and outrage they would if Robbie Rist had won an Oscar.

Might fuck around and surveil myself with the boys.

Tried it. It works.

Is it even a crime if you’re planning to cobble it together with a bunch of other corpses and breathe unholy life into it?

It pains me to announce that with the passing of Chuck Norris, Paramount has greenlit a reboot of Sidekicks, with Jared Leto and Timothee Chalamet attached.

As president I’m invoking the right of Prima Nocta on the landmass of Cuba.

Coke Freestyle machines are an abomination and everything they dispense tastes like Fruitloops and Aspartame.

I finally watched The Whale today and the stupidest part is when Brendan says he wasn’t always fat and he was never the best looking guy but he was okay. Bitch, we all saw The Mummy. You were the best looking guy. The best ever you goddamned liar.

Freedom implies the existence of frugalsub.

Ya really don’t.

You ever notice how even in a medical setting it’s kind of uncomfortable to tell a bunch of strangers that you jerked off immediately before talking with them?

I couldn’t ever learn to cook for one, so I eventually learned to eat for six.

Biopic about an Olympian, but it’s just a Caligulaesque softcore-porno with curling.

Coke Zero? More like Coke zero merits, right?

Me, reading The Giving Tree: This guy is really domming the shit out of that sad plant.

The Academy should never have given DiCaprio an Oscar. If I were them I’d have kept edging him with nominations to see what other weird shit he did to try to impress me.

This guy would be able to topple ICE in a single working day.

I haven’t seen this many poorly written emails since my mom died… Starting to think maybe she was in on it.

It’s 1990 something and I am in my room, sad and alone… so very, very alone.

I hate when movies show an actress’ feet because all I can think about is how some weird foot guy has definitely had a wank to it.

You ever notice how there’s not nearly as much Zach Snyder discourse on Bluesky?

I’m not “playing with my food.” I’m constructing a little bread corvette.

“But Doctor, that ain’t Lake Minnetonka.”

Our best bet at this point is to hope that in Season 3 of The Rehearsal Nathan tricks the democrats into taking meaningful action.

Since America is the product of European Imperialism, I’ve gotta say…you really shit the bed this time, Europe.

Just going to put this devastating barb in my back pocket in case I ever need to bully a stranger.

What if we kissed under It Happening?

I just finished Tron: Ares… I wonder if Jared Leto understands just how hard he must suck to make me wish I was watching Garrett Hedlund for 2 hours.

Journalists never cover celebrities’ sex addictions anymore, and I think that’s sad.

2026 is going to be a great year if you like Horror Comedy and are good at disassociating.

Finally got a chance to watch Black Phone 2, and damned if I didn’t have a real good time.

My wife has been watching Good Cop/Bad Cop on Netflix and boy does it suck shit.

Just read some horrible news about Scott Adams…turns out he was a racist shit bag. But wait, there’s good news too!

While he’s at it he can also have the honorable mention for my D.A.R.E. essay from grade 3. My mother wrote the essay for me because I refused on the grounds that it wasn’t going to be graded.

I made Tsaheylu with a Golden Tee arcade and Eywah heard me.

All y’all out there stroganoff with animals are fuckin perverts.

There are multiple adult animation shows with a longer run of good seasons than The Simpsons and nobody talks about them.