Anyone a photographer who can photograph my wife and I down by the sea and rocks? I will wear a jean jacket and fedora and she smoking a cigar. I'll hold her belly like she's pregnant but she's not but it's symbolic of how I want that. Also we need to look like we're thinking about how nice life is

Thank you for telling me what’s going on in the Strait Of Hormuz right now. I will try to handle the situation the best I can with the tools I have to work with

Maybe some of you have noticed the change of weather has got me being quite the positivity freak. Well all of that is over now - I'm getting into crime

If you’re a fan of Ingmar Bergman’s Wild Strawberries or Lars Von Trier’s Melancholia you’re gonna love Madalorian And Grogu!

Oh my gosh I’m drinking morning coffee with a bit of cream in it. We really are living in the best of all possible worlds. I wonder if the aliens like coffee. Maybe that’s why they’re here?

You gotta enjoy the little things. Like going keto and carrying little pieces of meat in your pocket

My lord I have just eaten delicious hot wings and drank a Coors Light. Why does anyone complain about the world. It’s fabulous. There were all sorts of different human beings at different tables drinking beer, eating wings, burgers, fries, etc! It was a fun filled pleasure chamber called Gabby’s

If you’re having girl problems I feel bad for you, son I’m eating chips

Last night I ate a bag of Sour Cream and Onion Ruffles. My god what a wonderful life we all live. We're so lucky. it's incredibly excellent all the time.

I’m happy to announce that I’m handsome and I have the best life and I’m probably happier than anyone I know

Okay so I just had a ham and cheese croissant with an Americano. You can’t fail with a ham and cheese croissant . If it’s stale just nuke it for a sec. And a really good Americano is - nothing beats it. I think it’s nuts how every single human being is a sketch comedian now

Favourite Cronenberg movies: Shivers, Rabid, The Brood, Scanners, Videodrome. And I also love this guy, Joe Silver

ME: What if a ghost haunts us in this hotel room? WIFE: Oh shut up and kiss me you fool

When eating toast with strawberry jam and morning coffee, never give a sucker an even break

Unbelievable start to the wonderful morning. I have the best life ever. Anything is possible if you put your coffee and jam on toast towards it

Chris Locke: Actor, Doctor, Writer, Comedian, Physiotherapist, Gangster, Cat Burglar, Optometrist, Dermatologist, Producer, Wedding Planner, Shark Hunter, Boat Maker, Painter, Musician, Daredevil , Accountant, Pilot, Pontiff, Pontificater, Prawn, Captain Highliner, Fish-Man, The Ocean

The Odyssey ? More like, it’d be Odd if I See it

Luke and Owen Wilson need to reunite with Wes Anderson and boost all of their careers back on top with a really funny character driven Bottle Rocket-esque romp again ! *Not saying you guys don’t probably love your respective careers right now just Re-boost it for me! A Bottle Rocket guy

If you’ve never checked out my podcast Happy Good, it’s nice, relaxing, funny, and short! Give her a listen when you have a sec to mellow out

With my morning coffee I ate a whole grain piece of toast with peanut butter. Then I read you shouldn’t start your day with a glucose spike for your cortisol. Hmm. Then that made me think of a robot saying “I am made of tin. I don’t have these problems”

Breakfast tacos w scrambled eggs, cheddar, sautéed onions and peppers, salsa verde, and tapatio hot sauce. Coffee, little bit of milk. I Clowns (1970) by Federico Fellini on TV. Nobody painted a picture with film like Fellini!

This morning I read a couple chapters of Cannery Row by John Steinbeck while eating a crisp half piece of sourdough toast with raspberry jam and butter on it. Plus a mug of coffee. If life isn’t wonderful then I don’t know what is.

I’m not going to be a comedian anymore . It’s lame. From now on I’m going to be a jam documentarian

I would love to see Neptune rise out of the sea, stand on a giant cruise ship, and do a 360 backside heelfip on it down a flight of stairs

Eggs over easy, sausages, dark rye toast , coffee one milk, then I’m going to walk in the Sun. Then I’m going to do planks to strengthen my core and meditate and do laundry and take a bath and write poetry and pet my cat

I had a toasted slice of sourdough bread with seeds on it, some butter, some strawberry jam, a mug of dark roast coffee with a thimble full of cream stirred in. These are the best days of my life. I’m spinning around and feeling so amazing !

Cartoons aren’t lying when they draw people all crazy

INTERVIEWER: So how are you doing these days? ACTOR. Great! As you can see I have no double chin at all. Not even a hint of it. Everything is super tight and thin. My face really “pops”, as they say. Almost like a face on a stick. I’m a lollipop, if you will.

With everything that's going on in the world it makes me want to film a funny sketch about dating

Each human is an individual

Yesterday I met an idjit

We all want to be a hermit on a mountain right?

I Came Close, Orange For Luck by White Fence is song of the summer. Not a funny joke but there ya go

Never look down on anyone. They might be not as smart as you but they also might have a serious mouse infestation in their apartment and they've tried everything. Not me. Them. And their mom is mean. You just never know these things.

Rye toast with raspberry jam

Is there a dish called Toast Alexander?

Love yourself . Forgive yourself. No one else is going to do it. You have to go inside yourself and move the easy chair to face the window (left or right eye) and paint the walls bluebell blue.

If you’re feeling down, put on a surf rock album down in your basement and look out the window at everybody’s feet walking by

Be proud of yourself. There's no one else like you out there. Except a bunch of out of shape goofy guys with a moustache or beard. They are exactly like you and do the exact same thing as you.

The person next to you might be sad. You never know. Give them a hug. That'll cheer them up. Wait, make sure you get their permission to give them a hug. Where are you anyways? It smells like Chicken McNuggets. Are you in your car? Who is that sad person beside you in your car?

Mental hospitals need to come back in fashion

Got struck by the first volley Of the war in the court Never held my serve Send 'em a wire, give 'em my best This ammunition never rests No one serves coffee, no one wakes up

Don't believe everything the horn honks in your face

BREAKING: Nothing is happening for most people today

Coke that has zero sugar and zero caffeine, what are you? You're beginning to scare my tongue. You're just acid now.

DTF St Louis is sending me. It’s giving TV show

Just ate a Eggo toaster waffle with a bit of butter and syrup. It was stiff, cardboard -y, probably not good for the heart eh

Angine De Poitrine needs to make a Motley Crue’s The Dirt style biopic

Very interesting passage in Bob Mortimer’s autobiography And Away… All comedians of all shapes and sizes this is for you:

My guy friends recommended I try Metamucil so I'm giving it a go