You know your hockey team is cool when you party with the FBI

I'm always happy to post on bluesky

I've decided to carry all of the weight of the world's problems on my shoulders

My brand new stand up special Tiki Madness is now streaming on YouTube! Check it out now! It's SILLY AF. You will love it!

Can't wait to get home, slip into something comfortable, & watch @chrislockefun.bsky.social 's new special: youtu.be/rXBHo63Iz0c?... #ComedyTO #CdnCult

I hate this world it's a burning pit of screaming Hell except I love my friends and family and pepperoni and bacon pizza pops and sour cream and onion chips and movies oh and tequila sodas oh there’s actually so much I love forget it jk jk and Slayer

Okay I've got consensus from others. Bluesky DOES suck. It's humourless. Even comedians are not funny on here. Very bizarre. You can hate me if I don't fit in it's okay and feel free to say "Well YOU are not funny so..." etc if you're offended. It's all good! Something's up with this place though ☮️

Is this clementine still good?

Are these sausages still good?

My algorithm seems to be dictated by my thoughts. I'm not joking. No one believes me. Everyone thinks I'm paranoid. But I'm not. I can remember the future!

Am I not following fun people on Bluesky or is the point of Bluesky to not be fun?

Mr Bean has big dick energy

Billy Bob Thornton, actor and drummer/vocals of The Boxmasters. I really look up to him

“Canada is like poutine with lots of gravy” - Chris Locke

I have fake gnomes on my windowsill at home. They are inanimate. But when I leave the house they do stuff. I just know it. I found melted chocolate and some scrambled eggs in a frying pan this afternoon

Should I make a thirst trap profile pic to increase engagement?

Everything is propaganda when you think about it- to keep us docile and complacent so we don’t rise up and tear this whole place apart. Also here's a great recipe for maple roasted nuts: 2 cups nuts (walnuts, pecans, almonds), 1/4 cup maple syrup, 1/8 teaspoon salt, 1 tablespoon sesame seeds

Maybe every human being has been dumb and evil since the beginning of time? I'm just trying to figure things out

Stason Jatham

Deep cut but Rod Stieger in Fistful Of Dynamite sounds like Billy Crystal doing Fernando Lamas

Nosferatu is MY Batman

You know what - in those vids when a dad shaves his beard off and then his kids start crying... f**k you, kids

Delicious! I’m dead! Hi I’m Chris. Maybe I should start from the beginning. 2 onion bhajias, 2 scoops chicken curry, a scoop chana masala, a quarter piece naan, some rice, 2 glasses white wine… cats meowing…… dizzy… the sun set somewhere I’m sure but in Canada you don’t know for 8 months

Stand up is hard to do these days cause humans are shit dumb creatures now not unlike the gremlins. You’re setting up a premise and audience members are spinning on a ceiling fan, throwing pint glasses at the wall, hitting each other with frying pans etc

That’d be sick if Lee Renaldo from Sonic Youth was super jacked like Mark Wahlberg. Super sick eh just ripped

Get you a President who looks at you like Blackbeard the pirate

I ate the other half of the bagel this morning with butter AND crunchy peanut butter plus coffee. What’d you have?

I'm writing a new novel called: I'm In A f**kin' Boat With A F**kin' Tiger

Were they punching Rocky in the head for real in those movies?

Over the last month or so Dumb by Nirvana has become my favourite song. Does this make sense to you?

I ate half a bagel with butter AND crunchy peanut butter. What did you have?

Good morning!

Carey Grant movies are always like: "I shouldn't have divorced you, baby. Who's this guy? He looks like he keeps pepperoni sticks for pets!"

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer Had a very shiny nose And if you ever saw him You would even say it glows All of the other reindeer Were racist

Don't know anything about Hamnet but this is my favourite scene from Hamnet: "HAMNET! There's a robbery in progress downtown at the HSBC!" "I'm on it, Chief"

50 years from now. Me and another guy are in an underground bunker: "Want a bite of my burger?" "Where'd you get that!?" "Dunno? Some box"

If I was Hopper I'd hand Eleven over to the military and go "Here" and then I'd go get a classic 80's cheeseburger, fries, Coke-Cola

I’m playing Triple Decker 5000 Chess while everyone else is playing Checkers. Even though my doctor recommends I play Connect 4

Bobacop. A Robocop with little chewy tapioca pearls in his suit

I’m old and homely now. No one likes me. But follow my onlyfans to pay money to see my ass. It’s all I got. I dress like Batman and rip my ass out of my pants. Also I act like the Joker has me strapped to a table with a razor sharp pendulum swinging over head. Got the pendulum off Amazon for 14.99

Some guy did bad thing but then other guy did good thing. Good on him eh

Who here thinks I should go back to school and become a pipelineocologist?

Bluesky shadow-banned me for being extremely hyper intelligent

Rich people don’t use social media. It’s a bin for people like us to gobble together like turkeys. Also aliens are obviously real and probably everywhere wearing clothes like vintage Perry Ellis sweaters and tweed J. Crew pants

Every now and then I hear the words "rama-lama-ding-dong" and think of my Grandpa and look towards Heaven

I had a dream last night I put on a different pair of pants

Food makes you fat and have blood problems and fashion makes you uncomfortable

Don't forget to be weird and stupid and annoying and fart everywhere and ruin our friendship

I am now going by The Artist Formerly Known As Prunce

An ogre is just a guy you don't like