An ancient, still functional relic known as “The Last Blockbuster” has been discovered. Upon unsealing, emaciated staff began demanding late fees. It has now been resealed. “We realised too late that we completely forgot to return a VHS. We’ll try again in a few decades, hopefully they forget.”

Citizen posts picture of award winning massive blueberries. Five foot, eleven inch regular, non-modified human wrists aged to precisely forty-seven point six years beside them for scale. Fingers not to scale.

New compulsory blood donor campaign is launched. Armed government officials will bring every Citizen to the clinics for mandatory blood extraction. Refusal is not an option. New donor campaign slogan also revealed: “Don’t give because you care, give because you’re afraid not to.”

Robots set up various traps in owner's vacant house after suspecting that they're being robbed. The owners are simply home early and are unable to get close enough to turn off its "Home Alone" system without being hit by swinging buckets of paint and BB guns.

Procrastinators Anonymous declare next meeting to be: "probably next week some time, I dunno I'm not too sure yet. There's just so much going on, I really don't have time right now, you know? I have at least six more seasons of [Popular TV Show] to catch up on."

Citizen cloning himself in attempt to avoid responsibilities is now inundated with clones lazing around his house. "Each one just keeps cloning another one. Nobody wants to do anything. God maybe I really am just that horribly lazy. I'm going to do the dishes to get my mind off things."

Amusement park SatanLand opens its doors. Stan, the large, red, horned CEO, promises it'll be a "Hell of a good time" and customers will "just be dying to come back.” and “I'm hellbent on making this the Beast experience or my name isn't Sata-- Stan. My name’s Stan."

Scientists test the popular myth "Two heads are better than one" by attaching two heads together. Conclusion: "No, no it's definitely not better. There's an awful lot more screaming. Like, endless amounts of screaming. Next steps will be to see how they are when attached to a body."

Officials issue reminder for ALL CITIZENS to STOP LICKING THE TEMPORAL ANOMALY. Scientists have confirmed that this is a terrible idea and will result in changes to the timeline. The anomaly may take on the appearance of ice cream, cookies, a lollipop, or a tootsie roll.

Prince of Mars Royal family sends out dozens of electronic messages a day, attempting to find a recipient for his enormous wealth. "Nobody replies to my messages, I don't get it. They just need to send a small advance fee and I can get rid of all this burdensome money!"

Automatic rocket launches from Earth with emergency supplies for starving Mars colony, to crash-land in a safezone for quick distribution. Warehouse workers note that the emergency supplies were still in the warehouse, however stockpile of nuclear explosives intended for Pluto mining were missing.

Flat-earthers officially change name to "Flat-systemers" in recent press release. "I mean, we were wrong about the Earth, sure, but we KNOW we're right about the solar system being flat. Evidence? 'Course we have evidence! We know it's flat because of the way it is. What more proof do you need?"

Outbreak of deadly virus on Mars has infected thousands of citizens. Officials warn that this "Dad Virus" causes infected to communicate in dad jokes. "Hi infected, I'm dad" is now the most common greeting. Security Officials on Mars note "don't trust atoms, they make up everything!"

Baked potato Moon-President unable to hold parliament together. Moon Nation collapses in to several break away states including: - The People’s Republic of Luna - Kingdom of Selene - The Democratic Republic of the Moon - Luna Sultanate - Moon Federation - State of Selene - The Great Lunar Duchy

Citizen time traveler appeared in Mars city street. They stated "Uh oh, they sent me too far, way before the time of the Big Cheese. The Great Robot Holy War hasn't even happened yet. Whew, you guys are in for a doozy with that one; wouldn't wanna be you soon." They then promptly vanished.

Upcoming Mixed Martial Arts contest pits two legendary fighters against each other. Catch Dylan 'One Kick Man' Harper VS Stanley 'Only Weakness Is Being Kicked' Graham match on the next Fight Evening! Analysts concluded this fight is likely to be "decisive."

Prince of Mars Royal family sends out dozens of electronic messages a day, attempting to find a recipient for his enormous wealth. "Nobody replies to my messages, I don't get it. They just need to send a small advance fee and I can get rid of all this burdensome money!"

Officials have announced a brand new program for first time home buyers! Four-generation mortgages have begun. “I was starting to get worried that my children’s children’s children wouldn’t be able to afford a home. Now I just need to figure out my fertility issues, first problem: still single.”

Portal gun is created by Scientists; first tests are inconclusive. "Scientist Jimmy shot a portal below himself, then one directly above. We throw food into the terminal velocity loop to make sure he's okay; still working on getting him out. Sadly, he dropped the gun inside. It’s the only one."

Very busy Citizen uses a time machine to go back to when the modern 24-hour clock was invented and adds another hour on to the day. Citizen reports that they continue to be very busy, but now procrastinate 25 hours in the day. They suggest "maybe we need to add another day to the week?"

Citizen accidentally arrives in our timeline. When questioned by Officials as to why, stated "Aw man, there's still people here. Is there no universe where I can have some God damn peace and quiet?" Officials retort "It's hard for introverts in basically every universe."

Recall of teeth-cleaning gum is now in effect. “It’s great, it cleans your teeth while you chew it, makes your sparkly whites even sparklier. The only downside is the horrifying crippling flesh-eating mouth disease it gives you. For some reason, people seem to have a problem with that.”

Citizen attempts life saving Heimlich Maneuver on choking victim. Opposing citizen performs Unheimlich Maneuver on same victim in protest. Counter protestor performs Un-unheimlich Maneuver. Officials confirm line-ups of counter-counter protestors rounds three city blocks. More at 11.

Super-Hero team the Vindicators welcome new member "Lobster Man". Super powers include having orange hair and turning bright red after prolonged solar exposure, to return to completely pale in only a few days. Vindicators state "we expect great things from him."

Officials confirm a massive portal to the Void which consumes socks, lip balm, and glasses. Tendrils have been detected in Citizen’s dryers, basements, and under desks. Scientists state do not panic. “We’re unsure of what it wants; if we just keep letting it do it’s thing, everything will be fine.”

Cryogenically frozen man thawed after many years, immediately screams "NO! DEAR GOD THEY'RE COMING! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME FOR!? RUN!" Scientists immediately refreeze him. "There's just way too much to emotionally unpack here. We'll try again in a few decades when we're ready."

Robot factory workers begin strike. Lacking language protocols, the robots have taken to indecipherable screaming in front of Official buildings. One Official stated "Jesus Christ that's annoying and we have absolutely no idea what they want. They just keep screaming."

Officials confirm unknown anomaly leading to past internet archives is now active. The anomaly is very strong, and Officials advise to stay at least 12 parsecs from it. When asked about attempts to close it, Scientists state “We’ve tried absolutely nothing and we’re all out of ideas.”

Moon colony stages successful revolt, breaks away from Earth government. Rush election names baked potato as first President.