The duck who was too stupid to swim as a baby and went broody in the walkway got scared when her eggs started hatching so now *I’m* hatching them while she stands there staring at me like a biblically accurate angel

Always comfy, always cute, and never wearing panties #oursky #datesc

Fell asleep on the couch last night and this can’t be the same back that would pass out on the floor at sleepovers as a kid

When he shaved his whole body four days before y’all fuck and now he feels like an itchy Christmas sweater ☹️

In my next life I will have no responsibilities beyond remembering how many cabana boys are in my harem

I’ve always been torn on the grocery delivery debate because, ever since I was a kid, I’ve thought about how much cleaner and more efficient it would be if customers didn’t come in the stores. But instead of doing that, they just made weird inefficient apps.

Dropped a “I’m almost 40” and the whole group screamed you can’t tell me NOTHIN today 🤣🤣

I can’t believe two lemon drops was enough to make me barge into the coop with my good shoes on and drunk tweet about my chickens.

Staying up too late to answer emails in a timely manner because my chickens are having children

Men who rage about nose piercings are so funny because it’s like, ok. A hairdresser hurt you. Move on.

Only came over to steal his comfy pants

No one in this gym knows that if the weights were just shaped like a bag of feed, my power cleans would be immaculate.

And a happy Mother’s Day to me. For being everything she wasn’t.

Men are too soft to be slutty. They can only have their heart broken, one, maybe three times.

Sometimes people ask me if I ever miss just being an employee and it’s like, I’m still the only and worst one?

Would you take me to the beach?

Went to my gym class at a different time and instead of a bunch of fun girly pop power it’s just a bunch of dudes pretending they aren’t 40 ☹️

Friend got married very young and just said “when my husband and I are doing you know, frontal” Girl MISSIONARY?? 🤣

Saturdays shouldn’t even have an 8am

Bottoms up 😘

Come over on your lunch break?

The shirt is extra large the pants are small the jacket is medium idk what women’s sizing is anymore

I love unpacking at hotels. I’m hangin clothes that have never been hung before.

Donald Trump fakes assassination attempts more often than I fake an orgasm omg wrap it upppp

Every time one of these celebrities fucks up, I get a little bit closer to Megan Thee Stallion giving me a chance.

He won me fish at the fair!!

There’s a new lady at Tractor Supply who calls someone an idiot every time I come in, and so far she’s given me about $200 of free feed because she doesn’t know how to work the register.

(The devil walks down the Sell Your Soul lineup) Guy willing to commit war crimes… no Lying podcast bro… next Baby fucker… boring (Stops in his tracks) Are… are you taking slutty pictures?? Holy shit, THIS is my army!!

PSA: One of the horses broke her pelvis, and I need to move Raleigh to next week while we see if she can recover. Please be patient with me while I spend the next couple of days in the barn ❤️

Mowin 🥰 #DateSC #OurSky #CharlestonNSFW #LuxuryCompanion

I would accept a lot of things about my child, but I think hobby horsing would put me over the edge.

I think it’s so funny that slobbyists make such a big deal about us “aging out” when in reality, you turn thirty, and all of a sudden your clients are all your age and fine as fuck. Like actually buddy, that’s YOU! 🤣

This job makes you so funny at the gym because I’m like “oh no, only 10 pounds for the bar presses please” and then I turn into the hulk like “Pass me the 50 for the kettle bell swings RUH”

Hate when a guy sends his info & references in paragraph form over three different emails. I got into this to lay down. Not read.

Guys at the gas station love telling you to smile like gas ain’t $3.79

Telling the fat dog he’s the only good one knowing damn well he’s too big to fit through that hole in the fence

Every time this neighbor comes over to tell me I’m doing a good job I stab myself or light something on fire, and I can’t tell which one of us is carrying the cursed talisman anymore.

Watching all the dads try to catch up after establishing my dominance in the neighborhood by being the first one to mow the lawn this weekend.

🎶🎶🎶 Don’t give what you’re given Unless it’s blessed The world gets colder, less and less

(Bending you over) Open the fuckin Strait

Very jealous of the run “open the fuckin Strait” is going to get in the kinky pegging whatever community.

Happy Easter! ❤️ #oursky #fmty #luxurycompanion #datecarolinas

The bitch neighbors azaleas looks so good god I hate her so much

I went, and when a girl tried to google what protein powder she uses for me, PornHub pulled up 🫠🔫

Do you think I’ve DJ’d enough to skip the gym today?

My thing with the Byron Noem discourse is… why would a bimbo fetish or even outing a client be worse or more embarrassing than the active harm Kristi’s doing? Why would you clutch your pearls over this, but not all that? People that hurt people… sometimes get their karma 🤷‍♀️

Cure for dog who likes to walk with the leash in his legs, search.

Omg who was it that was looking for a squirrel dog? I found two.

I need someone who knows how to tend a garden properly… slowly, thoroughly, with intentions to make it bloom. #oursky #datecarolinas #fmty

Putting a new lawn mower on my wishlist because it’s not admitting defeat if you buy it