I wish I was as good at anything as I am at dumping coffee down my front two minutes before I have to leave the house

Sometimes I play video games with ex military buddies, and I can see why they didn’t make it very far. Like why would you leave your left flank open like that?

Three out of the four neighborhood kids grew up gay, but I hooked up with the last one’s girlfriend. So technically, he’s gay through me.

The neighbor kid growing up constantly posts his pierced nipples on Instagram and it makes no sense, he used to cry so much

Eyeing the flat asses on all the guys who lift heavy at the gym after Instagram convinced me squats would turn me into Beyoncé

If I have to go to San Diego, will you guys come hang out with me? 👉👈🥺

Who else is ready for the weekend?? #DateSC #DateNC #OurSky #BeachBabe

Being able to see what your friends like on IG has revealed that my favorite/most healthy polyamory partner in college grew up to be a massive incel loser, & I just don’t understand where it came from?? He’s hot? He played professional football? We had so many threesomes??

The gut biome on this guy getting a 7:30 gas station hot dog has got to be absolutely impenetrable

Good morning 🥰

My parents have a very toxic relationship, but it is really funny to post something on Instagram that will obviously piss him off and watch her run to watch it like “lol lemme see this”

I… think this girl is using her job at Tractor Supply to cruise for sugar daddies

The hold that photoshop has on Airbnbs must be broken

Good morning! ❤️

National Smearing Aloe Vera On My Back With A Spatula Day

Finally golfing faster than the group in front of me and it’s making the yuengling taste so good

Beach babe

Phone wouldn’t connect to anything all morning and when the guy at the store figured out it was because I always had my VPN running he couldn’t stop cheesing like he knew I was a pervert 🙈

Good morning ❤️

There are testicles everywhere for those with the eyes to see

Everyone wants to shame the guys who see us when the real shame should belong to the ones we turn down.

Got a request for a little white skirt after I’d already taken one out of my bag and left for my trip. Do I: A) just go buy another little white skirt B) use this as an excuse to buy golf clothes

The middle lanes are for driving, the left lane is for crime. 15 over or GTFO

The mentality it takes to sit in the left lane going under the speed limit should not be welcome in polite society.

I think boys don’t like women on the golf course cause they be peeing out there

Girl next door

When he’s arguing with his wife so you’re just in the pool eating fruit like an animal

Happy Father’s Day! 🥰

Fucked me so good I told him I was gonna behave for like, two weeks

Me: oooo we could sneak over there and fool around! Him: oh come on, you’re playing so well! Abandoned! 😢⛳️🏌️‍♀️

I can accept the carbonated lemonade and the not washing soap off their plates, but I still think the Brit’s just pretend to talk like that.

Ha ha, got yer shirt #highend #trophywall

The unfortunate thing about sticking my ad copy into ChatGPT is that I would’ve happily gone to dinner with you and written a better bio for free.

Had such a fun date at the driving range yesterday! Do you think this outfit is a hole in one? ⛳️🏌️‍♀️ #golf #companion #oursky #cutedate #scliving

All aboard! Next stop, Charleston. Continuing on to Raleigh and Charlotte, with our final destination in St. Louis. Check the website for full details and ticket sales! #oursky #datesc #datenc #datemo #luxurycompanion

I think millennials are so into fitness because there are no clubs to sweat and grunt at each other anymore.

Not of this world

Who was it that said they liked miniskirts again? #oursky #datesc #datenc #touringcompanion

From the car to my gate in 13 minutes. Charleston you beautiful mistress.

I can’t believe I managed to successfully hand hatch four out of four babies and get them through the first two days and this duck stomped one to death in 15 unsupervised minutes cause he was a little floppy I am so upset.

Mmmm. A vanilla sweet cream cold brew. Let’s see if it perks me up or puts me to sleep. An ADHD journey.

The duck who was too stupid to swim as a baby and went broody in the walkway got scared when her eggs started hatching so now *I’m* hatching them while she stands there staring at me like a biblically accurate angel

Always comfy, always cute, and never wearing panties #oursky #datesc

Fell asleep on the couch last night and this can’t be the same back that would pass out on the floor at sleepovers as a kid

When he shaved his whole body four days before y’all fuck and now he feels like an itchy Christmas sweater ☹️

In my next life I will have no responsibilities beyond remembering how many cabana boys are in my harem

Dropped a “I’m almost 40” and the whole group screamed you can’t tell me NOTHIN today 🤣🤣

I can’t believe two lemon drops was enough to make me barge into the coop with my good shoes on and drunk tweet about my chickens.

Staying up too late to answer emails in a timely manner because my chickens are having children

Only came over to steal his comfy pants