Hi all, There will be changes to homework from September. We’re not scrapping homework, just rebranding it as “continued optional consolidation opportunities: pupil opt-ins for personal success”. We think COCO POPS sounds much more attractive to pupils than “Homework”. Thanks x

Just 10 hours left to get my 4th book of toxic emails for free! You know you want to!

My 4th book of toxic emails is Number 1 in the Amazon Parody and Education charts and now Number 1 in the Comedy charts, too. You can download it here for free: tinyurl.com/y93tfaz5

Still 24 hours to download my 4th book for free on Amazon Kindle…

My 4th book is free on Kindle for the next 48 hours or so… www.amazon.co.uk/Hi-all-Thank...

Hi all, We have 2 new starters today. Stephen is on the autistic spectrum and a selective mute, especially with adults. Ellie is “a character”. She is loud, coarse and often makes inappropriate sexual comments. He is Head of English and she is our new Head of RE. Thanks x

Hi all, We’ve had to cancel Thursday’s visit of Chantelle’s great grandad, who was going to talk about his Second World War exploits. His destruction of enemy planes, and killing of a whole platoon with his bare hands. Sadly, Obergruppenführer Schmidt is not very well. Thanks x

Hi all, We’ve had to cancel Thursday’s visit of Chantelle’s great grandad, who was going to talk about his Second World War exploits. His destruction of enemy planes, and killing of a whole platoon with his bare hands. Sadly, Obergruppenführer Schmidt is not very well. Thanks x

Number 1 in the Amazon Secondary Education and Parodies charts... …and it's free for the next 10 hours or so... shorturl.at/E2BNJ

My book is still free here for the next 24 hours or so: shorturl.at/gDC0M

My 5th book is free for the next 2 days on Amazon Kindle. Download it and leave a review! 🙂 www.amazon.co.uk/Hi-all-Thank...

Hi all, To celebrate the Bank Holiday weekend and my birthday, my 5th book, The Non Disclosure Agreement will be free on Amazon Kindle for 48 hours from 7am GMT on Sunday the 3rd of May. You're welcome. Thanks x www.amazon.co.uk/Hi-all-Thank...

Exactly 7 years ago, today, I wrote my first tweet. Thanks for following, commenting, smiling, laughing, calling me a racist, trolling me, sending me photos of your genitals, reporting me to my employer and telling me I'm not funny... Here's my first ever tweet from 28th April 2019...

Hi all, Here is a fascinating article from TES about why teachers leave and stay in the profession. Of course, we all know the answer is “Stockholm Syndrome”. Thanks x www.tes.com/magazine/ana...

Hi all, There will be minibus training for all Year 11 tutors tomorrow. When the GCSE exams start you will be responsible for making sure your pupils attend their exams on time. You will go to their houses at 8 am and drag them out of bed if necessary. Thanks x

Hi all, Week 24 of Appraisal starts tomorrow with lesson observations, book checks, homework checks, health and well-being checks, Teacher Standards checks, lasting 12 hours without peeing checks and parallel parking in the staff car park checks. Thanks x

Hi all, The Academy is now an accredited Centre for Overseeing Curriculum Knowledge and a member of the British Association of Language Learning Schools. It’s going to be great to see both the COCK and BALLS logos added to The Academy letterhead. Thanks x

@ashleystorrie.bsky.social happy birthday! 🙂🎁🎂

Hi all, We’re really struggling to find invigilators for the GCSE exams. If you know anyone whose nose whistles when they breathe, farts a lot, wears noisy shoes, is slightly deaf, can’t see very well, and whispers louder than they shout, tell them to get in touch. Thanks x

Hi all, Can we please keep an eye on behaviour in the bus queues. Yesterday, there were more complaints about pushing, shouting, swearing and spitting. Quite frankly, some of the children were horrified by your behaviour. Thanks x

Hi all, Just a reminder that Y11 data is due in tomorrow. Enter the following: Current grade Estimated grade Target grade Residual grade based on shoe size Postcode: nice houses means higher grades Grade if they’d have done any work Grade they’d have got if they’d had a better teacher Thanks x

Hi all, We have cancelled the Year 8 theatre trip after almost all the students pulled out. After the spelling error on the posters was corrected, the students were extremely disappointed to discover that Shakespeare didn’t write a play called The Taming of the Shrek. Thanks x

@mrjamesob.bsky.social I can’t do my bally bottom button up… www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0Nw...

@mrjamesob.bsky.social it’s Spike Milligan’s birthday! Here is his hippopotamus poem: "I'm not frightened of pussy cats, They only eat up mice and rats, But a Hippopotamus Could eat the Lotofus!"

Hi all, As a part of our ongoing updating of the Academy, we’ve decided to get rid of the Library. Unwelcoming, tatty, dark, creepy, unpleasant and smelling of mould, the librarian, Miss Johnson, will be missed by staff and pupils alike. Thanks x

Hi all, As a part of our ongoing updating of the Academy, we’ve decided to get rid of the Library. Unwelcoming, tatty, dark, creepy, unpleasant and smelling of mould, the librarian, Miss Johnson, will be missed by staff and pupils alike. Thanks x

Hi all, Just to let you know that we are not taking part in the government’s Free Breakfast Club Scheme. We have looked at the rooming, staffing and the number of children we’d have to involve and we’ve realised that there’s no financial profit in it for us. Thanks x

Hi all, Our Well-Being Lead thinks the reason so many of you were dreading returning to The Academy is because you have a terrible diet and don’t do enough exercise. Therefore, when you arrive tomorrow, you’ll get an apple and be forced to run 8 laps of the sports field. Thanks x

From the archive…

Hi all, Year 11 GCSE Speaking Exams start today. Coincidentally, this is also the day they start work building the new extension to the science labs, the resurfacing of the Sports Hall car park, the KS3 yodelling competition and they’ll be cutting the grass on the football pitches, too. Thanks x

Hi all, Just a reminder about The Academy Dress Code. Yesterday, Mr Johnson Head of PE, came to an SLT interview dressed in just a T-shirt and very short shorts. This is not really acceptable for an Assistant Headship in The Academy, although we did admire his balls. Thanks x