they're elmos, Harold

it is with deepest regrets I must report this was not true

This is what I am always saying about Everest guys. There's no reason to fly to Tibet so you can leave your trash all over a natural wonder. You can die on a mountain at home.

I solved this with an elaborately dumb solution which is: gooseneck tablet holder that clips to a side table and holds an e-reader at eye height and comfortable reading distance (which is beyond the length of my arm, as an Old) and pairs to a tiny bluetooth remote as a page turner

We experienced a truly incredible moment at the aquarium when this octopus decided to be a total jerk to its tankmate.

I knew this week was going to suck (personally, not due to the Horrors) but OMG did it SUCK

CBS news currently investigating reports that one kid neener-neener-neenered an ICE agent through the car window

just opened my personal laptop for the first time today and trying to remember why I was on the "Incidents of Cannibalism" wiki page last night

Congratulations to the Sara in NYC who is celebrating her first wedding anniversary on Jan 31 and submitted my email on a website soliciting bids for a bartending service. I hope you and your SO have a lovely party.

Slightly diminish a band: Eau de Nil Day

the sister of a friend of mine went into labor today three weeks early, so today my buddy and I spent 5 hours building flat pack baby furniture that the father has been procrastinating on while they were at the hospital and that man owes me a nice bottle of wine

goddamn, I knew Minneapolis went hard but I have never yelled at a building so hard I caused structural damage

hello norma, how utterly predictable to see you here

this is why you cannot let interns use the label maker unsupervised

🎶 it's getting hot in here (so hot) so impeach all your reps i am getting so hot i'm gonna kick my reps out 🎶

tim you fucking weirdo knock it off

Due to an odd set of circumstances, I am helping my CTO get the right set of permissions for the thing he's trying to do and omg this sucks

get paid, lads

you guys wanna see what they're up to at CES this year?

I am currently on an email thread where two people are deploying what I will refer to as the Weaponized Socratic Method: asking each other increasingly leading questions trying to get the other one to take ownership of a thing that needs to be done.

no

Are we supposed to call our reps and tell them we don’t like when the president engages in overt war crimes, or can we trust them to get there on their own?

last present of the season slipping in just under the wire

tbh I can't navigate with a compass either, and I was a fucking girl scout all the way to 18, because I live in fucking cities, and can determine my orientation by walking to the next block and checking which way that is on the map

this is the mondayest ass friday of my fucking life

personally, if I went on a picnic and my boyfriend stole my dog, renamed him, and eventually turned him into a talking, pants-wearing dogperson, I'd consider that a red flag

rolling into the new year at laundry zero, which, if I read the 2026 terms of service correctly, means I don't have to do laundry all year

If the mic isn't working call the tech If the mic isn't working call the tech Usually they're right beside the stage Waving a replacement in your face If the mic isn't working call the tech

My favorite thing about the Claremont Institute is that its headquarters are not even in Claremont, a very pricey suburb of Los Angeles home to some of the most elite private colleges in the country, they're just over the eastern border in Upland, where rent is much cheaper.

in 2026, I'm getting into bitters. I've already ordered a hopped grapefuit bitters, it is over for you fuckers.

doing something I almost never do and watching Pluribus while it is still relevant and I have never identified with any fictional character as hard as I do with this Paraguayan dude

the conspiracy theory I believe in the most is that the tylenol cyanide contamination happened in one a Johnson & Johnson "We Knew All Along There Was Asbestos In The Baby Powder" factory

Etna said she is on vacation this week

Spiders Curtis LeMay was an outlier and should not have been counted

James Cameron is a billionaire - the true cultural impact of the Avatar movies is keeping him busy making movies about sexy blue smurfs and not going to war with trans kids or running for office or trying to build a nuclear reactor on the moon or whatever his peers are up to

gotta say, the No One Will Date the Fash trend is not going to reverse itself any time soon if they all smell like a stale ashtray

We watched Home Alone with my youngest daughter last night, so we put on Home Alone 2 tonight. We’re about 15 minutes in, and I’m like, you know what, fuck Kevin

fun fact, right before dessert the big guy on the left lumbered up to a railing and yelled IT'S A TRAP

I'm not inserting it into a line, I'm just not cutting what I assume is the original audio of viggo mortensen breaking his toe

I have been Online for decades, I've seen a ton of internet pile-ons, I've never seen one end in conception

a passive aggressive sign in cutesy live laugh love script to prop up on the guest bed that says: please sleep underneath the top sheet, we invented them for a reason, it is so much easier to wash and replace the sheets than to have to remove, wash, and restuff the duvet cover

Hide small shark toys around the place. Hide some in places they'll find immediately after you leave like in their favorite coffee mug or in the nightstand, and some more in places that it'll be a few months before they get to, like in the easter decorations or the beach towels.

Trying to explain the impact of the original Knives Out sweater to my mom and aunt

🎵it's raining rain, hallelujah, it's raining rain🎵

a good way to get yourself haunted af is to steal the shoes of a bunch of ghosts just trying to have a nice day at the seaside

the tamale lady had TWO people cancel orders, hell yeah

The county has called me, texted me, and sent me a push alert through the emergency services app to tell me that it is going to rain.

I do enjoy them being old enough to negotiate with directly: Last call for sugar soda is 9p, after that: water or sparkling water Bedtime is 11p. I don't care if you sleep but you have to be quiet enough that I can sleep. Breakfast is served no later than 9:30a. Your parents will be here at 10a.

Slick Willy looked dead into the camera and said "I've been beating rape allegations since 1978, some old photos don't worry me a bit"

Barbra Streisand would like a word