Wish I could bounce on it de_dust style

Need a girl who'll ghost me on it

Chat should I crop the argyle sweater?

And everybody was JORKIN'! JORKIN' U.S.A!

Excited to boo some fireworks

Women only want one thing and it's fucking —I mean— god, wow, this is actually REALLY violent. Girls are we sure about this?

My hands look like this so hers can look like...

Thinking about breaching containment for the bit

Realized I could make cologne ads by turning a picture of my cat b/w and putting one of his nicknames over it in Dancing Script.

She anaphylactic on my peanut til I butter

Name a worse idea than carpooling. Like, you're literally combining two of the most dangerous things in America.

This morning my guy Charles presented BOTH his paws. Unprecedented times, indeed.

She war on my thunder till I leak

Folks I can't find my strap 😥

I respect law enforcement because I appreciate how unimaginably dangerous their job is. Like any single "Do you have any ID?" could potentially turn into a waking nightmare; side of the road, backup minutes away, just straight up fighting for your life while some guy shows you pictures of his kids.

Just bought Honey Comb for the first time since I was a kid and, I gotta tell ya', I never thought I'd be mad at a breakfast cereal but here we are. I've had like 8 bowls of this BS and I'm still hungry; literally had to give up on feeding myself because now I have other shit to do

I wonder if the 'remove and swap road signs' trick will work on ICE.

Met an active duty member of the military yesterday who filed conscientious objector paperwork in response to deployment of military on U.S. soil. Was told multiple Army have filed, unknown quantities in other branches.

"My two greatest passions are hiking and littering." — Too many people, apparently

My cat just went upstairs, yelled at my roommate while she's on a conference call for work, tore around my room and growled for a couple minutes, then sauntered back downstairs like he's totally cool.

BILL NYE THE BIG TITS GUY :Bill walks through the lab with an absolutely insane set of knockers: BILL! BILL! BILL! BILL!

Fresh off the press, another T4T Grindr meme for you to enjoy and weaponize.

Everything reminds me of her

4 new words added to the script. I want my lawyer. Every day is shut the fuck up Friday

Thinking about the radio from Portal in new and ethically questionable ways

:The Working Class, actively suffering for the decisions of the 1%: Every 1% mouthpiece editorial, out of nowhere: "But have you tried 'thugging it out?'" 🤪 :Sitcom laugh track:

One of us likes big butts and cannot lie. The other likes small butts and cannot tell the truth.

I've started using the Irish flag whenever a game won't let me use a pride flag on my profile

Queer and trans people don't care about tinkering with your kids. They care about getting tampon commercials that feel like truck commercials.

I would like a top down tactical co-op squad shooter where you play as tachikomas / think-tanks

I have no ulterior motives when I say that I think queer people should wear little cute little tails during the holidays.

I'm elly vulnible rn if any bad. Jrches wanna cuddle me

"Fifty-thousand people used to live here. Now it's a goon-town."

I get a little more radicalized every time a toilet flushes while I'm still using it.

"Yes, hello, mom? I have a crush on a motorcycle... No, seriously, I think this is The One."

Cis/het people are so fn weird. I literally don't understand how they make it work; like how do they know which one is the puppy and which one is the sibling???

Product blurbs are always like, "Our story began in 1955, when my grandfather started our company with nothing but a club, some seals, and a bold vision..."

She said I'm one of her favorite people to smooch with 🥳

I got that dog in me, and I wanna euthenize it.

Aww hell. I'm having another one of those "I can't sleep unless someone cuddles me" episodes

Tomorrow I'm going to the bank to withdraw all of my money. On purpose. For fun.

Is it supposed to be humming like that?

The Obelisk tells us that we only feel the pain that matters, which is why it's so important to keep looking at it.

A difficult part of loving The Obelisk is having to break line of sight with it so my phone will reboot. It's worth it though 🥰 It's worth everything.

The Obelisk wants what they fear, and you were promised. It's okay to trust The Obelisk.

The Obelisk loves you. It told me so, and it was beautiful to behold.

What does the obelisk want? Don't worry about that.

I'm tired of this nonsense. If this country needs me I'll be in my room, worshipping the void-blackened obelisk which appeared in the middle of it after I accidentally cut my finger and made up some new swear words.

”Wh- girlfriend-in-law, what are you doing‽”