My partner texted *me* first for the first time in months. (I've always been the one to text him first.) And his text ringtone woke me from a dead sleep. My phone going off for *any* notification never wakes me up. But I woke up to his notification. That's a good sign, right?

This is the way. Re-pledged to PBS, as well.

He loves me. He still cares. He still wants a life with me. Our bond isn't going anywhere. Papers are just that - papers. Our connection lies buried somewhere intangible; branded in a place far beyond the physical, yet it can be felt deeply. That's all the proof I need. And I love him, too.

Found a new song via TikTok, and for the first time I actually saw my partner/husband's face from perfect memory. His tame-yet-wild black hair, the way he grins in the goofiest way, how his eyes kinda squint when he smiles, his facial scruff that could almost belong to an Amish person. Perfect..

Been doing a lot of karaoke and a capella singing to metal music - which is something I never thought my voice would be good for, but here we are. I also used to do song writing. None of it was ever good. Like, ever... ...Until now. Metal is about to be my genre. Watch out, world. Rave's comin'.

I couldn't add this in, but last bit: "My heart will always belong to my main, because that's who I have always loved. Even if we are apart, he holds my heart, and it is his alone. ❤️‍🩹"

Do any of my followers here do both Twitch streaming *AND* use Twitch VODs for YouTube content? If yes, what do you all recommend: 1) uploading a lightly edited vut mostly raw VOD to YT? *OR* 2) heavily editing the VOD down to multiple vids less than 1 hr each?

Just a reminder that Asperger was a Nazi, and there’s not actually a good versus bad form of autism. Those of us with high masking ability aren’t better than the ones who need more help. Thanks for coming to my second TED talk.

I'm awake when I'd rather be asleep. My mind is always on him, even in dreams. But my dreams are better than my waking moments.

I'm kinda done with feeling... 4 months... 4 months without you. 4 months since you moved away. My heart still cries out your name. Tears still pour from my eyes on many nights. My soul is still fractured, with the biggest piece still missing... because you took it. Patience is not my friend.

When your cat wants to be part of your stream.

Been going back in my memory about a past friendship, and something that struck me odd is how they told me they've "always been used." Then tried accusing me of using them, too. Which is weird, imo, because they always crossed MY boundaries. Anyway, I have a new TikTok idea. Will share when done!

Every day away teaches me more and more of how much I truly love him. Everything I do is to benefit us both. The new things I learn and practice are in the name of my love for him. No, I do not know for certain if things will ever go in our favor again. But I have faith. And that's all I need now.

I made gluten-free free cookies!! Here's my recipe, instructions, and a picture of the first batch (which turned out more spherical than I had imagined).

It is OK to want things when the world is on fire. It is OK to have hopes and dreams when everything is a mess. It is OK to say yes to the goddamn universe when the ground feels unsteady. You don’t become less of a person, less of who you are, when things are hard. You deserve good things.

Working in a restaurant has made me forget how much I genuinely enjoy cooking and baking. I've been prepping meals in the morning because it's easier when I strictly work closing shifts. But also I've been doing research into gluten-free meals and sweet treats.

I feel sick to my stomach making this post, but at this point I don't have a choice docs.google.com/document/d/1...

Grief is love unfiltered. An endless love. An unconditional love. Grief never goes away. It lingers. Sometimes it numbs. But even when you can't feel it, it's still there. And that's a beautiful thing. Because, without it, the purpose of living is meaningless.

2 months... 2 months of grief. 2 months of sorrow. But my tears have finally dried. Dried cuz I have answers. Answers that make me see all of this in a new light. And that is enough to satisfy me. My vow; I am pulling away from people I used to trust, cuz they don't deserve to be part of me.

I'm considering going to used/resell video game stores and purchasing myself a bunch of Wii games I may consider interesting. Or, if I can get my hands on them, those old Nintendo switch disks that are Wii compatible. I've missed playing on my Wii. Such nostalgia.

There is nothing wrong from excusing yourself from a situation to go to the bathroom-- not to actually use the bathroom, but to breathe, blink, focus, & manage triggers. That's not a sign of weakness. That's an intelligent use of a socially sanctioned break & relative privacy.

Lucid moments during half awake-half asleep times are not fun. I've had one 2 nights in a row. Both times I swore my partner was in bed with me, both time I went to spoon him, and both times I woke up hugging a damned pillow. I think I need better sleep. Insomnia's been a pain in my ass lately.

The vast majority of my writing is my internalized feelings on things. It's rare for me to write something that somehow *doesn't* connect back to my emotional or mental state. So when I write passionate love scenes in my fanfics or books, it's my love letter to my partner.

Oh, this is far too accurate... I don't like it!! 😭

New highlight posted to TikTok and YouTube shorts: www.tiktok.com/t/ZP8kSn9wK/

Heh, whoops!! Seems I forgot to share another YouTube video. My bad. My final Art Fight speed paint. Unfortunately, art block, burn out, and depression caught up to me and have now pinned me, so I cannot force myself further. Anywizzle, enjoy!! youtu.be/vVnFgKVwXS0?...

Watch amsyourrave play S.A.R. with her brother on Twitch! www.twitch.tv/amsyourrave?...

Genuine question: Is the absence of someone you love supposed to cause confusion when their presence brings clarity? Is someone's lack of being with you supposed to make you feel lost? Are you supposed to feel stuck in place and like you can't get out of that place without your soulmate?

Got to play some more Super Animal Royale with my brother again tonight. Jumped from level 22 to level 25 in 2.5 hours, which was awesome. Must definitely do it again.

New art fight speed paint out today! We're more than halfway done with the event. Starting to feel the drain from fighting art block, but still going. youtu.be/3MUbR_UGznU?...

My manager's cat that I took in ~2 weeks ago ran away this morning. Somehow the hose to my stand-up AC unit was dislodged and fell out of the window while I was sleeping last night, and Ollie ended up jumping onto the sill and pushing the screen open.

It's art fight season, and as such I have a new speed paint video out! youtu.be/n55fqiwuawE?...

Late night progress: Almost 1 week ago, I took one of my manager's cats home with me because she was looking to rehome him (her house was filled with too much chaos and he's an anxious cat). Tonight was the first night he came out from under the bed for pets, comfortably and without panicking.

Not me noticing how much shallower my breathing has been in the past month. Then I think back to all the times I used to take deep breaths and sigh, and my partner would ask me "what's wrong?" every time I did. Nothing was ever wrong. I just remembered I could actually take deep breaths around him

Haven’t seen this brought up, but you don’t get an AI overview on google if you add a swear. You’re welcome.

My heart hurts. My soul hurts. There's so much grief that resides in one place. So much pain. I wish I could talk to someone about it without sounding like I'm repeating myself over and over again. I wish I could be in his arms again, and feel the weight of the world melt away as we embrace.

If I'm playing SupervAnimal Royale *and* listening to Skrillex, it's over for everyone I've hit leaderboard 2x playing rounds of S.A.W vs Rebellion I have Skrillex on my Spotify fight playlist for a reason.

You know the current heatwave is bad when even your coolers at work are sweating.

I have successfully removed someone from my life who, as of recently, has been causing me a lot more grief than what I am already dealing with. Someone who I thought was a friend, but the moment something major happened she snapped at me and made me second-guess my own emotions.

I'm taking back my energy and releasing what energy does not belong to me. Stay mad.

If you see this, join in! 🍻 ☆ Username: @amsyourrave.bsky.social ☆ Pronouns: Any/All ☆ Height: 5'5 ☆ Sexuality: Pan-demisexual ☆ Sign: Sagittarius ☆ Piercings: None ☆ Tattoos: 2 (want more) ☆ Drink: Ginger beer ☆ Food: Sashimi/sushi ☆ Pets: 1 cat (soon 2) ☆ Relationship: Complicated

Manager asked how I'm handling things on my own. Told her I have a lot of sleepless nights. Her response? "Yeah, but you're doing it. Give yourself a pat on the back." I'm not doing it, though... I'm really not. What you see on the surface is not at all what is really going on.

Going for a new/different hairstyle today. Something that will keep a portion of my hair long (front/bangs) but the majority will be short and easy to maintain for myself. Not a bob. Just different, for sure. Hopefully it looks good on me.

Got low-key drunk last night for the first time in my life - I know, I know, I'm 26 and I've never gotten drunk before in my life until last night. I needed yo, though. I've heard when you get just enough alcohol in your system, the real you comes out. Real me came out alright. And I feel better.

I honestly haven't had a reading goal in a long time. It's been years since I last sat down and said, "I want to read 'x' amount of books before 'x' date." So imagine my surprise that I've finished 4 books in 6 months. I'd like to keep up with that. Maybe it'll help me get my artistic mojo back.

Last night, I had a dream that I was driving, except I wasn't trying to. My car had no working gas pedal, yet every time my foot left the brake, it would speed forward like someone floored it. All I could do was steer and hit the brake. I don't think I could even put my car in park or turn it off.

Qrt with your flags! Taken me a while to find that these are more "me", and still learning.

Please help my friend out. Even if it's just sharing this around.