I laugh when the puny "audiophiles" and "car enthusiasts" blast their systems. You dare disturb the peace of my abode? Prepare to face the wrath of my dual 18" subwoofers in a cardioid array aimed directly at your skull.

We've developed a new innovation in acoustics; automatically blocking the accounts of people who ask us if putting up foam panels in their room will keep them from hearing their neighbors having sex at night.

Is sound just wiggly air, or is it the hallucinations we have in response to the wiggly air? Find out more in our fall conference session on psychoacoustics.

Comping takes? Sorry, I just get a singer who does it right the first time.

Class A amplifiers are the only choice for live sound. Sure they weigh several times more than Class D, but they just sound better. In other news, we've accepted a sponsorship from the American Chiropractors Association.

We've been propping up Pro Tools for too long. It is now official; FL Studio is the industry standard.

AI has gone too far. Apparently now people are building "dummy heads" so robots can listen to music too? Some things are meant for humans.

As part of our fall Vegas conference, we're hosting a remedial workshop on Microsoft Excel. Maybe some of you should attend and learn how to clean up your damn recording database.

We're offering a new way to join the AAES! For only $1,999, you can become an Audiophile Member. This includes all the perks of regular membership, plus we have the ghost of an audio engineer haunt your equipment and manually align all the electrons for unmatched sound fidelity.

It's always important to stay on the cutting edge of technology. That's why we're establishing a new "AAES technical committee on sonic weapons" to help develop new ways to torture protestors.

We need to kill this idea of "interactive" and "dynamic" audio. If a single linear audio track isn't good enough for everyone else, then that's their problem not ours.

We were going to release some new standards on acoustics, but it turns out the math is reeaally hard, so we're just gonna say that all concert halls should have a reverb of 2.

You won't want to miss the DEI session at our conference this fall. We're trying to figure out why trans women are so much better at making music than everyone else.

We've recently learned that some of y'all are getting really boring with your big modular synth rigs. That's unacceptable to us, so to inject some creativity, our new standard dictates that all modular synth knobs be coated in LSD. Read more in AAES12-1969.

Some people say audio engineers aren't real engineers because it's a protected term and we can't legally call ourselves that in certain countries. Well we can't legally use cocaine in certain countries either, but that certainly hasn't stopped us.

AES is promoting their dumb new show in California. Yeah well... we're gonna have our own show with blackjack... and hookers! In fact, forget the show. We're going to Vegas baby!

My cello instructor said I need to learn "equal temperament", so now I'm taking lithium.

We're running low on funds, so we've accepted a title sponsorship from Dolby. As a result, all audio must now be in Atmos. MP3 and WAV are officially illegal.

Phantom power is phantom no more. What are you supposed to do with a measly +48v DC and 10mA current? The fix is so simple and obvious; wire directly to 120v 20A circuits. This standard is now outlined in AC60Hz-2025.

Immersive audio is a scam by audio companies to sell more speakers and microphones. It's been scientifically proven that we can only hear a single channel of audio. Everything past mono is wasteful and unnecessary.

Making a game: “Here’s a plan” “Oh fuck oh shit is this plan gonna work” “Oh fuck oh shit is this plan gonna work” “Oh fuck oh shit is this plan gonna work” “Oh fuck oh shit everything is terrible we can’t pull this off” [someone adds audio and polishes some art] “Hey this isn’t half bad”

Testing and experience shows that different loudness meters can produce different results when measuring the same audio. To resolve this, we are working to update ITU-R BS.1770 to require all loudness measurements be done with Loudness Radar in Adobe Audition.

Aliasing is when frequencies get so high they loop around and become low. Kind of like when my voice dropped while singing happy birthday at my grandma's 73rd birthday party.

How to spot a fake audio engineer: they start talking about "A weighting" or "C weighting". Fun fact; sound doesn't weigh anything. It's imaginary.

We're excited to announce registration for Immersive Audio Academy 27th Edition. In this one, we're interviewing Andy Aioli, who holds a bluetooth speaker and runs in circles around people while their music plays.

Acoustic treatment companies are charging thousands of dollars to slap some insulation in a wooden frame and hang it on the wall. Scam! That's why we're announcing a new partnership with Mattress Firm. Buy a new mattress and get five old mattresses for free to line the walls of your studio.

Room treatment is a psyop from Big Foam to sell you overpriced pillows. Reflections are just the sound trying to find itself.

Our analysis of the Trump parade; it was actually an elaborate plot by sound designers to get clean recordings of vintage military equipment.

Unfortunately there's no room for tolerance in our spec, but -4.20dB is the spec's true peak limit.

Too long have the loudness wars raged. Starting today we are mandating all engineers master music to exactly -69 LUFS, as outlined in AAES69-2025.