simplest, most satisfying recent household repair: fixing the zipper slider on a couch cushion cover by squeezing it with some pliers.

i remember in school, the kids with behavioral problems getting pulled out of class once a week for their anger management program. i don't know what went on in that, but i imagine today it is a lot more "you have to just ignore everything, you need to figure out how to mute and block"

pandas are really slow. express doesn't even make sense for them.

if you waste time looking at shit on ebay, putting this in the ublock filters will get rid of the stupid live event video: www.ebay.com##body:xpath('//*[contains(@class,"live-event")]')

i can't do that much sugar. can you turn the lemons into something else?

i'm gonna open a deli so i can name a sandwich after you and it will just be capers and mayonnaise.

i got a new butter dish recently, but it has an opaque cover, and i guess i still struggle with object permanence because i can't stand it. i need a clear glass one, i need to see the butter.

my diarrhea parasite and i would like to dance with you and your parasite. would you and your parasite like to dance with my parasite and me?

it's been ages since someone told me to have a neat summer.

switched to one of those kneeling chairs that reminds me of a school psychologist.

the 2 sponsors of my little league that i can recall are still in business, 35 years later. one is a tire shop (they were the good team), the other sells plants (my team).

i'm looking for new plates and bowls and the ones i am trying out right now are a huge dud. these so called soup bowls are too freaking thin. if you call something a soup bowl, i want to see the ceo hold a bowlful of hot soup in it for 60 seconds.

there's a guy in the neighborhood that's been practicing drums every afternoon. i could easily find him if i just walked outside while he was playing, but i'm going to point my amp out my window to see if we can get a neighborhood wide jam session going.

i can tell my new neighbors are chumps because they've been putting labeled bags of styrofoam out in the alley for trash pickup for the last 3 weeks. lots of ways to get rid of it without resorting to getting charged by the pickup guys.

the joke was that the most boring thing was sitting through slideshows of peoples vacations, but instagram shows that people actually liked those.

you're watching michael clayton, and you're into it, so you're paying close attention. you see those horses, and you think "why do they have bridles on if they are just hanging out in a pasture? this is suspicious." but that's not it. it's something else, the bridle thing is never addressed.

saw an absolute battleship of a cadillac today, one of those 19 foot long mid-70s ones. always feel like i'd need to either grow tall enough to be called "slim" or wide enough to be called "pops" to pull off driving one of those on a daily basis.

i'm starting to suspect that the "you're what makes us great" emails i get from companies are not entirely sincere.

time saving tip: collect all of your product registration cards in one place, so you can sit down every 6 months to fill them out and mail them in all at once.

a ford pickup hauling a trailer-bus at the airport in "the spy who came in from the cold". the movie is full of stuff like this.

insiders are reporting that after 10+ years, i could be moving on from my libbey "vibe" glassware for something that is stackable and less of a menace in the dishwasher.

my most vivid memory of a 4th of july is going to a neighborhood gathering and one of the neighbors getting pissed off because i drank a can of his coke ii that he brought.

i think of all the options in the cereal aisle, cinnamon life is the one that most makes me think "coarse horchata". good cereal.

clumsy guy tip: dropping a bottle of liquid smoke makes a huge, stinky mess. you can just get powdered smoke instead.

the estimates are completely free, right? not charging me for it. i got all the time in world, i can line up estimates all year long. all it takes is one of them to forget he's doing an estimate and to start painting.

the person booking this monthly street festival always picks the exact same musicians, all of whom seem to have no interest in learning new songs or getting better at playing their instrument, but do play through amplification that would be considered excessive by 1970s the who/pink floyd.

my lawyer said it would come down to my word against his in court. i chose "motorcycle". he chose "owl." the judge opened the envelope. the category was "flies the quietest." i was cooked.

i guess i'm back on the apps (calculator, settings, alarm clock)

the rudest thing is calling someone right after they poured milk on their cereal

i was struggling cooking breakfast this morning, the pan was just not getting hot, it took me a while to realize that it was because a fan was blowing toward the gas stove. i had to make another breakfast to convince myself that i hadn't suffered some kind of brain episode.

i drove a hatchback in high school - a car described as '3 door' - and you might think that's a ridiculous way to describe car, but one morning when the driver and passenger side doors were frozen shut, i was able to use the '3rd door' to get into the car.

i've got a knife like this, with these odd reverse scallop serrations, single bevel. i've never found a knife that works as well for cutting slices of medium cheddar.

guess who got a new bedspread today

seeing a package go through foreign airports is the only part of package tracking that remains exciting.

an endless video stream of people re-arranging things in the trunks of cars.

costco stopped carrying quaker oatmeal squares a long time ago, so i kind of forgot about them, but goddamn that is a great breakfast cereal.

this is screwing up my news alerts for when the next jd and the straight shot album is dropping

ideas for pranks to pull on the rich kids camp: -hide all the silverware -saran wrap toilet -other ideas

every single morning i am having a peak english muffin experience that is simply not available to anyone else, including all billionaires.

was sharpening my kitchen knives when i noticed my bjorklund cheese slicer. "i wonder if i could put more of an edge that sucker?" and oh you better believe i did. now i'm looking for hot rodded cheese slicer forums.

i've invented an even cooler way to sit in a chair than backwards.

had a conversation with my neighbor where we were both wearing headphones. never feel good when i realize what we are doing.

today i got a package where the stuffing wasn't peanuts or brown kraft paper, it was newspaper, a local small town weekly. haven't seen that in a long time. print journalism isn't quite dead.

i was looking at my knives recently, and noticed one that i don't ever remember using, the victorinox "tomato knife". the rounded tip gives it a friendlier demeanor than other knives. i've had it assigned to butter and semi-hard cheese duty for the past few weeks and have been happy with it.

the new season of rainier cherries premieres soon.

neighbor painted their house and i don't like the color of the trim. this could've been avoided if they just asked me what i liked ahead of time.

saw a guy with long hair and a metal band t-shirt walking a small black basset hound (maybe a basset/dachshund) today, and it just looked like one of the most ideal combinations of owner and dog.

today i was sorting something by size, and what it returned was sorted 10, 11, 12, 13, 6, 7, 8, 9. treating it as text rather than numbers. really liked that.