I hate debugging shite like event processing. I now understand why there's eleventy billion X11 development libraries because actually dealing with X11 and its associated bits is a massive pain in the arse. Just a shame that most/all of the libraries in question manage to be worse than the problem.

I drank some alcohol again yesterday. This is getting to be a weekly habit. I managed about a pint of something beery and today I have a headache. Though the "hangover" may be sinuses given yesterday's rain and various blossoming things in the garden.

"I hope I die in my sleep" is a bit stymied by not being able to get to sleep in the first place. I hate my body, useless clumsy lard-arsed bastard.

Stop fucking calling toilets "bathrooms". Absorbing all that shit into our country is what got us here. We don't need the US's shit, we already have Thames Water.

I'm inclined to start telling people to just fuck off if they insist on unironically wishing a happy pride month and how far we've come. No we fucking haven't, we've never had it so bad. And the ones who are feigning shock about what they do to disabled people as if those murdered never existed.

That neighbour is wandering around the street shouting into his mobile phone again; I think his wife chucks him out because he's so irritating. He sounds like that trader in Greedfall. You know the one.

An entry in my country translation table has "Wallis, Gromit & Futurama Islands". Fuck knows what it's supposed to be. :| Yeah I know I could look it up but as much as I'm all wtf,ffs about how unhelpful my own remarks, are I also feel the need to leave it as it is.

Complete billing chaos again: my ISP uses Oracle software so it's always really difficult to figure out what's going on but is even worse than usual (and keeps accusing me of being in arrears even though they take payments using DD). Not only are Oracle villains, their software is shite.

The SC ruling reminds me of Robocop where at the outset he had a small number of clear "directives" to follow. Then WhatevsCorp™ reprogrammed him with about eleventy billion new directives scrolling past too fast to read. The SC & EHRC are WhatevsCorp™. May their directors enjoy the same end.

Happy pinkwashing month everyone. I'm so going to enjoy wall-to-wall insincerity by people using it to polish their halo while either passively or actively removing my rights. yay. wheee. etc.

I should probably be less grossly flippant when writing summaries of The Worst Time In Modern History. Or maybe I just shouldn't be reading about it at all when I'm just a hairsbreadth from crisis, I dunno.

Another appointment letter turns up a week and a half later, after the appointment it was for. Thanks for the privatisation of the Post Office, Lib-Dems, forcing it through when literally everyone was saying "stop fucking privatising stuff, everything's broken!" It was worth more than a dodgy Czech.

And it starts again. After "we'll think about it", my prescriptions were cancelled again with no explanation and no attempt to contact me. These are essential medications and I have two days' worth left. I'm wondering if this played a part in M becoming ill because she had this shit constantly too.

Literally* freezing! 21°C indoors this morning, 10.4° outside, apparently. I've seized up and had to cover myself with Deep Heat and turn the central heating back on. D: * literally! † † a bit.

Just read an interesting comment by one of Germany's WW2 tank designers about why there so many problems. He was very clear about the three toxic influences: Hitler, Speer and Porsche, all of whomst were clueless. Speer also got a casual "never a reliable witness" dismissal which explains so much.

Keith Richards (Rolling Stones, Cliff Richard's grandad) Keith Floyd (chef, wine, Stranglers connoisseur) Keith Aitken (like Keith Floyd but nuclear physics) Keith Flint (the Prodigy, madman) Kieth Stürmer (beige) One of these Keiths is not like the others.

Centrists expressing the view that having to care about trans people not being marginalised, cast out of society and having their lives put at risk is "purism" is possibly the most shit excuse-making of all time. "Not throwing minorities under the bus? You havin' a giraffe, that's purism mate."

Random photo of Michèle's nan in 1925, mid teens, probably somewhere in Barry in south Wales. She never lost her accent and spoke in ALLCAPS; even in her 90s, when she spoke, You Did What You Were Told Or Else™ (and I think she was the same when she was 15!)

Let's be honest, if they got the AI panel they wanted it would be: - Hitler - Someone who makes Hitler look like a wishy washy moderate centrist dad with conflict avoidant tendencies -A corporate shill who would tut at Hitler but vote for him because guy 2 was worse - A Lib Dem - A comedian

The Oxford Hedge-Trimmer Massacre commences. Dig that smell of two-stroke petrol. Ooh yeah baby.

Approaching 7am: 24.5° indoors and rain. Sticky.

Today Part I is dealt with: groceries done and put away. Part II starts in a couple of hours when I'll spend the rest of the day being gently serenaded by chainsaws and hedge-trimmers as the garden has its annual haircut. Cat knows something's up, she wants even more attention than usual.

4:30pm. Bed time because I have no energy and I'm depressed. I *need* to lie down but I'm scared of the long night ahead with no sleeping drugs at all as I need them for anxiety. R*talin may calm me down enough but they're going to make sure I run out of that too. Fucking doctors.

As an autistic woman I am not: * histrionic * borderline/unstable (BPD/EUPD) * hysterical * attention-seeking * manipulative * sociopathic And all the other things we can get accused of. Nearly everybody gets this; some might need a pointer but most get it. Except doctors, who do the accusing.

Time to do my repeat prescriptions. Everything was approved *except* the psychiatric medications which were all rejected with no reason given. Guess which ones I actually need the most? Why the fuck are doctors like this? It's not like they do anything else to actually help as it is.

I love the way that if I don't get up near my usual time of 3am the cat comes in, always at 3:45am, climbs on me, mewing loudly, and headbutts me until I respond. She doesn't actually want anything in particular, she just thinks it's time I got up (and is probably checking I'm not dead or anything).

The tree guy has been (our garden needs its annual haircut) so I can finally relax. I mean I say "finally relax", we've known him years and he's really lovely, as he was today, but I can't dampen down my "argh other people!" response.

Amazon, who I rarely buy from for obvious reasons, have issued a refund as a "gift voucher": now I need to be doubly vigilant to untick the pre-ticked "use gift vouchers to pay for Prime" box the next time. If "corporations are people too!" was true they'd be classed as sociopaths and in gaol.

The weird thing about Michèle's discharge is that she was still legally detained under Section 3 of the MHA. She said there was no discharge meeting and they didn't even contact me, they just called her over and bundled her into a minicab. She was dumped outside our house and that was it.

Predictably, can't sleep. Found a box of tema**pam; "expires 2018"... "It's still good!" </weebl> And some paracetamol and Deep Heat for aches and pains. Maybe I should try coffee too: that often makes me nod off.

Bed time, due to my body's insistence on having its own personal time-zone. It's 32.3°C. Gonna be a good night's sleep. :|

I have a cat-rug right at the top of the stairs. She's so little but is so stretched out she's taking up almost the entire width and completely zonked so she won't move and is quite awkward to step over when I've got my hands full.

All these people going on about "safety of women and girls". Michèle had PTSD because she was raped when she was a young child. She was less than 10 years old. Not one of these people have given a single shit that she had PTSD and was then murdered by an NHS doctor. That's how much they care.

8:30am and time to hit the booze because life is shit. I could take Valium instead but don't fancy dealing with the week-long rebound on top of everything else. I hate being alive. Michèle should be here, not me. She was fun, people liked her, she looked after herself; she had more right than me.

How do I even respond to his dismissive remark? That's why we're where we are. I'm not sure I should go into the specifics of the person who killed her as it's an institutional problem but his remark really didn't help.

I wonder what it will take for people to accept we're actually in a full-on fascist state. They've just passed the UK's first segregation law; everyone is "so what?" You aren't allowed to be sick any more. They are already killing people, but everyone just goes "yeah right" when I tell them.

The complete indifference of most cis is all the explanation anyone needs for "why did segregation in the US go on so long?" and "why didn't anyone stop the Nazis persecuting the Jews?" Same reason nobody cares what's happening now. A few notable exceptions, but the vast majority are just "meh".

I hate my body, fucking fat clumsy useless dollop that it is, but I reserve special hatred for by bladder, the annoying little bastard. I hope it is actually diseased and dying. Serves it right. And I also hate my mind for exhuming every awkward memory it can find, all day, every day.

I hate the embiggenment of HRT. Even when I remember to take it, it does fuck all so I usually don't bother now. Kinda sucks that all you can get in the UK is gel or patches (both entirely useless) or tablets (almost entirely useless). Trailing the rest of the world as usual.

"Distress or discomfort". Some people are smug about this but who do they think is going to be the main complainant? Remember the internet hard man who says he'll protect his hypothetical daughter from "men in the toilets" with his fists? That's who. His daughter doesn't exist but his violence does.

Spent all day stressing about someone coming round to finally reunite the rest of Michèle's remains with her. I was on edge the whole time as I'm very socially nervous; I've had just one visitor this year. He didn't turn up.

Oh good, really hot weather and I'm going to have to close the windows because I need more sleep and DIY Wanker has started up for the day. When he's not using power tools he's constantly coughing and hacking which he seems unable to do without shouting and gobbing. argh.

"Cyclists have it as bad as trans and black people and are actually more disadvantaged than disabled people", paraphrased. Worst take of the day and it's only just gone 7am.

Solidarity xx

Why am I seeing some posts being hidden and marked as "rude"? That seems new and fairly unnecessary and extremely subjective. The moderation here seems as precarious as Twitter. I'm not talking about my own replies, some of which are quite rude or at least vulgar.

Finding I'm having to "greenflag" a lot of people on this site. Makes a nice change from all the red flags on Twittarse.

This is shocking. I've seen the Unwashed Incel Horde erasing women from accounts of various historic militaries in e.g. as recent as WW2 but to see them now doing it to their own military right now shows there's no depth to which they won't sink. It's just so depressing.

Painting of Michèle. She visits most nights though recently I've had a lot of nightmares about her death. Hopefully I'll actually see her again tonight. Could have posted a photo but I thought I'd use the BG3 portrait again.

I suppose I expected the Greens' response to be as lacklustre as it is. I'm still disappointed but unsurprised. Like disabled people, trans people are expendable. We're not useful it its main purpose, just advertising material to students. Well they can fuck off too. They're as bad as the rest.

I hate this fucking world and everything in it. Especially Labour but also everything else too. It's grey and dull and full of grey and dull and cunty people. I hope I don't wake up tomorrow. That will probably come true mostly on the basis that I won't get to sleep tonight. Fuck.