As a Bangladeshi immigrant who got my British passport 18 years ago and been away for the country for work for the past 11 years ago and fully expecting to return to UK at the end of it, I'm not worried about this AT ALL (cut to me in 10 yrs posting "shit, I was wrong" from back of a detention van)

It's quite something that only a short while ago we'd look at dumb comments on social media and conclude it must be a bot. Now we've accepted AI bots actually know their shit and when we see comments this dumb it's a sure sign it's by a dumbfuck human...

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I used to be a sub-editor and, on first reading, this seems a weak headline. A daily mail sub (who are exceptional when it comes to twisting words) could easily have heightened the drama and sensationalism, esp with a pole involved. Until you look at it and see the subliminal message: "Loner left"

I hereby coin a new term. I'm having a power nap based on the principle of a nappucinno (caffeine takes 15 mins to half hour to absorb into the bloodstream and kick in) only I'm doing it with a can of coke. I'm calling it a napacola ™️ x

41 yrs ago today... What's your fave live aid memory? I'd just arrived from bangladesh where Boney M were huge and was sure they'd play. My fave song of theirs was Heart of Gold Then this crusty hippie comes on and sings it and I'm like who is this guy and why is he singing a Boney M song? 😂

Back when I was rubbing two pennies together, I always said to my kids I'd buy them a book whenever they wanted one. I gave up smoking when my option was between a packet of cigarettes and a Jacqueline Wilson book. They're grown up now but they still remember that x

A lot of my female friends talk about their appointment to get a Brazilian in the same breath as getting a manicure. This sort of thinking suggests their partners are somehow pedos. Women don't want to be little girls any more than men want little girls. Only pedos do and they don't want real women

15 years ago I was a single dad journo dealing with the collapse of print media and took out a payday loan to treat this lady to a date at a fancy seafood place. She's since helped me retrain for my new career in Europe Back here for our 15th anniversary. This time I can stretch to dessert 😂

I've liked coffee before Friends made it cool and Starbucks made it creamy mud smoothies with coffee flavoured matter, but I totally don't get the trend around matcha. It's just wet grass. Iced coffee is just coffee gone cold. Also... Is it hot?? 🤔

Simple explainer for the "tolerant left" brigade We are tolerant towards the people you are intolerant towards and we are absolutely intolerant of people like you Hope that clears things up x

20 Minutes to Comply

Literally drooling at the mouth getting ready to see the Bowie You're Not Alone show at the Lightroom, kings x

Does anyone know why so many people in London are wearing condoms on their head? Both men and women. I'm not even kidding. Is it something to do with Wimbledon

This one?

Lol my mother-in-law has been watering these Had to tell her it was fake It's not just AI that lies 😂

One of the best things about the world cup is, a POC in UK can walk past a house/pub flying the St George's flag and think "maybe they're not racists just footie fans". All other times, the logical suspicion is they are racists I mean, does any non-racist fly the flag when the footie isn't on? 🤔

To commemorate the passing of Bonnie Tyler (RIP), if I may share my absolute favourite YouTube video of all time x

Living in Europe past 12 years, i only visit London and brighton, (both cosmopolitan) and (wrongly) assumed other places in England were full of Reform types. So it's been a genuine pleasure to hang out in Margate. Folk here are beyond friendly 😍 They even have a church converted into a mosque 🫨

Just saw the most incredible sunrise and went through these stages: REGRET: Argh didn't bring phone REVIEW: Need to tell someone about this RECORD: I'm telling you now, as if that somehow makes it real Somewhere in between I felt RELEASE: just me, the sea, free of thought and at peace. Alive x

New in the #QuarantineAmerica series

🎶 It's on America's tortured brow That Mickey Mouse has grown up a cow Now the workers have struck for fame 'Cause Leneeen's on sale again 🎶

When my wife nears her birthday, it's tradition to go away somewhere with her fam. Over the past 16 years we've been to Mykanos, Cinqueterra, Menorca, Porto... This year she's chosen, um, Margate 🤷

Not saying that game was stolen from Egypt but it is now on display at museum in London.

All other 50 deaths in ICE custody "have been blamed on natural causes or suicide" fuck off just fuck off. They're torturing them to death 😡

#ABarInASongOrMovie Gotta be our Tom's Little Red Recovery Room x

I don't give a toss about the royal family but my in-laws are loyal royalists (they're Indian but hey ho). The wall to wall coverage of Harry's visit and the scrutiny the media is putting him under, you'd think he was some kind of, I dunno, disgraced pedo

#MusicChallenge Greatest hits albums are often duff, but some are gold. Without saying Queen Greatest Hits, what's your fave artist greatest compilation albums? I'll kick off with mine:

I changed my name from Muhammad Shihab Salim to take on my daughters surname Joi, and often joke I didn't know how to spell my old name (at school, national insurance, bank... there were variations of Mohammed, Mohammad, Muhammed etc) Dug out birth certificate. Check out how they spelled it! 🤦

This is just a straight-up Don Corleone level gangster scene only with bad acting, more mumbling and shit dialogue

#MusicChallenge Songs that make you want to drive fast

Back in beautiful blighty. Got my old uni mates together. I've known these guys for 35 years. Life is good. Happy 4th of July x

new metaphor just dropped

I don't have the joke or the news story but the punchline/headline is: #BurnOnTheFourthOfJuly x

My cousin from bangladesh has come to stay for the architect conference in Barcelona and because we grew up Muslim, we skirted around the drink issue for ages. Him: "I'd like to take you to dinner" Me: "at 11pm? Let's go here" (takes him to la Whiskeria) Me: (surprised) oh, they do drinks here

Everything aside, at a time when people are starving, counting cents and terrified of their health being affected by the heat, that they can blow god knows how much on blowing up 𝟴𝟱𝟬,𝟬𝟬𝟬 fireworks is just insane. It's literally burning money. And I bet the fireworks are Chinese...

Dystopia movie idea: an uberlord uses water to control people by strictly rationing, it, keeping everyone desperate and dependent on his mercy Nope, not Immortan Joe in Mad Max Furiosa

Will the trial show he deep dived with a knife giant enough to cut a 350 feet gash. I mean, if so, the breath control there deserves a medal surely

Mamdani says: "set your A/C to 78 degrees" They read: "A/Cs are banned in New York like they are in Europe where communists come from" 🤷

Trump is going to fuck up the fireworks isn't he. I know, he won't get them from China cos tarrifs, so he'll have given a zillion dollar contract to a Republican donor who runs a condom factory...

You know, POC always share the big racism stories because everyone gets those, but sometimes it's the subtle, even harmless ones that sting the most Like when I checked into a fancy hotel dressed in my finest feeling like the king of the world and a guy came over and asked me if I was his taxi ride

When a person is abused specifically because they are from a minority group, that is a hate crime. Hating on someone for being gay/muslim is homophobia/islamophobia etc But to say condemning Israeli war crimes is antisemitism is as ridiculous as me calling you racist because you hate bollywood 🤷

Packing to come to England for two weeks. You all keep saying it's hot, but I'm going to need to bring a hoodie, aren't I?

Crashed round at a mum mate's house after a late night and I have a question for women. Maybe it's my experience... but does every woman have an array of all manners of shampoos and conditioners arranged around the bath and every single one is almost empty? 🤔

Speaking of everything Trump touches turns to shit, does anyone know (I hate Googling, even more since AI) but is that what the Hollies song King Midas in Reverse means? 🤔

Dunno much about football and definitely not following this world cup but it's on where I'm having a beer and Congo are winning. Even I know that's strange...

My daughter, nearly 12, has long had her mind set on going to a UK university like her older siblings, but despite her Brit passport, because she's been schooled in EU, she (we) will have to pay the same high rate as international students 😔 (unis in Spain free) For her sake, I hope this happens...

Forgive me for showing off my heat privilege, but I just splashed out on getting my guy to install three of these all over the house 😁

Help out a Bangladeshi brother I have finally acquired HP brown sauce. So I plan to have a propa English bacon bap/butty. With a fried egg, right? And do I add cheese or no? 🤔