I hope my local pizza place realizes that they could have a decent side hustle on caps that just say “pizza”

Wife absolutely bodied me by saying I look like Katamari Socrates

We have a ghoulish private prison industrial complex. They should be salivating at the prospect of “prosecute ICE;” it would be SO GOOD for shareholder value! Please can we get the right lobbyist on this

Introducing my new therapeutic arcade game, EMDDR

Pet owners since time immemorial have always loved to play that classic game, Why Are You Wet

A version of A Christmas Carol where Scrooge immediately gets naked once he finds out nobody can see him in the visions, and the ghosts don’t, like, say anything or stop him but they’re definitely more standoffish at that point

I come from a multi-faith family, so I celebrate both Toyotathon and Hanukkia. I also go to my friends’ Chrysmas

Well folks, I lost my cooking show because the world wasn’t ready to admit that “lasaña” is a more efficient way to spell it

Going about my day, muttering “stay chuffed with your bits” to myself over and over in the most godawful accent I can muster

Happy Hallowe’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’E’E’E’E’E’E’E’E’E’E’E’E’E

Pronouncing ”cool” like “co-op”

Opening a new restaurant called “The Aviary” where you can not only get chicken nuggets, but also nuggets from any other bird I can legally sell as meat

Thrilled to announce the grand opening of my new restaurant, Pizza Wasteland

NyQuil salad dressing

Aw jeez, is *this* why they’re called The Goo Goo Dolls 😟

Thanks for clarifying, The Beatles

No, *you’re* jet lagged.

My toddler, who is a staunch defender of the second amendment,

I wish everything in every store was labeled “Purchaser agrees to not tell the cops”

Maybe we need to stop taking it for granted and check if political candidates are willing to say “Slavery should be illegal” on camera

Do you think Elon got to be The World’s Most Divorced Guy by NOT understanding women’s emotions and motivations? Don’t answer that

An Heirloom from Mother

*Balatro addiction intensifies*

He is free to access any of several beds, and yet

*Led Zeppelin voice* I don’t know, but I been told We’re allowed to show ‘em nude ‘cause they ain’t got no soul

“It’s good for his self-esteem,” I explain to my dog about why I’m singing the cat a song about how he is a cat

baby error code infant error code baby software error baby registry editor baby registry editor NOT AT STORE error code lookup baby OS baby driver downloads baby driver downloads NOT MOVIE why does baby have error code 00000000xFFB00A50

Social anxiety is just “lurk more” irl

A restaurant called “Huh?!” where all of the menu items end in “?!,” and most of the photos of food have been replaced with people making this face, for ever

We’re excited to announce that Amazon Gun is rebranding as Amazon Munitions to better represent our growing selection. We’ll ship a grenade wherever you like now

Try KFC’s new Skeleton Sandwich, a tangy combo of sweet Carolina mustard and a buncha spare bones on a deli-style roll. Order the “Bones ‘n Beaks” upgrade for only 50¢ extra

In case it wasn’t clear, trans rights, no qualifications

A treat for the LADIES this International Women’s Day

Huh. I guess that’s true

Am I being too niche, or is GENDER AND CIRCUIT BENDING a good “Same Last Name” puzzle for Wheel of Fortune

Gonion: the onion that tastes like grapes. “Sure, why not”

*Kevin McCallister voice* I’m stirring dish soap into my milk like it’s Hershey’s syrup! Somebody better come stop me!

One of my favorite holiday traditions: the annual list of dangerous toys! C’mon kids, let’s get an eye injury

Follow and repost for a chance to win a Humble Choice 12-month code (might be redeemble for USA only. Giveaway closes Nov 16 - 6 PM PT) buff.ly/4hHvV4x Mainly testing to see if this works and if it does, I'll probably plan more giveaways

On top of spaghetti All covered in cheese I lost my poor meatball To Meatball’s Disease

Ah yes, certainly this Amazon-owned media outlet will provide worthwhile election coverage

I was very good today and resisted the urge to sign all my work emails with “BLEH”

Can you imagine biting into a donut hole and finding a goddamn *pelvis*

This describes me too but you don’t see me making a big deal about it

Coming up at 9:30 - Dispatcher Diaries, S17E8: “Oh No, He Shooted Me”

Finally, something truly worthy of Frank’s 2000” TV

Went to the damn flea market