The worst part about being an adult is that even though nobody can tell you not to have ice cream for dinner, your adult tummy will ache if you do it.

Monday farts are by far the most potent and plentiful.

Pronouns: he/him Height: 6’4” Zodiac: Libra Tattoos: just one (for now) Piercings: not anymore :( Favourite colour: black/teal Favourite drink: Monster Rehab, coffee, water, Guinness

Veggie trays are just the most socially acceptable way to eat ranch dressing.

Nothing ruins a work day faster than waking up and going to work.

If I wanted to play King Shot I’d be playing it already, now fuck off and let me watch this YouTube video.

Fellas saying you’re “red pilled” is just a red flag for most of us. And that’s coming from a guy, triple that for ladies.

My favourite part about having a toddler is the 19 hours a day I spend just laying in their bed waiting for them to go to sleep.

I really feel like we’re missing an opportunity to tie the “Tax the Rich” and “Protect the children from pdf files” narratives together.

There has yet to be a moment in my life that couldn’t be perfectly summed up with a Simpsons quote or clip.

Just remember it’s usually better to be somebody’s shot of whiskey than it is to be everybody’s cup of tea.

Me finding out I might be lactose intolerant;

6am starts at work make my PP floppy and sad.

I’ll never apologize for being political in this political climate.

Sometimes I miss eating grapefruit.

Anyone else still end up listening to music on YouTube even though you have Spotify premium on your computer? Just me? Okay then.

The weird trait that some people have to make everything sexual (or think that it might be) is just weird. Makes me think that bro is only talking to me to try and get into my pants. 🙄

Can you be prosecuted for war crimes due to having extra stinky farts? Asking for a friend…

Someone told me today Grimace is a butt plug and now I can’t unsee it.

Stop the next Jeffrey Epstein; Tax the Rich.

It’s not that complicated: “I can’t do that because of my religion” -Okay cool, I respect that. “You can’t do that because of my religion” -Go fuck yourself!

The funny part about having an extended leave due to health issues is that just as it starts feeling like a vacation they make you go back. 🫠

Remember when we all felt like human beings and not just a numbers in a computer to be exploited? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

I’ll get some flack for this, but America should recognize Spanish as its second national language. It will give America a +2 Charisma stat because Spanish is sexy AF.

Nothing makes me want to play a game less than an AI slop add on YouTube.

Well it’s officially my last week day off before I return to work Monday after almost a year off. And while I’m thankful I have a job that was paying a portion of my wage while I had a long term health issue, I’m still dreading going back, and the thought of being stuck there until I retire. 😬

Poppin’ melatonin like it’s 2006 and it’s actually mdma. Unfortunately the warehouse I visit now doesn’t have music anywhere near as enjoyable.

Mariah Carey’s classic song “Fantasy” is about masterbation. You’re welcome.

At this rate Canadians are the ones who will need a boarder wall.

I made this post while I was pooping.

Figures, my gaming tiktok was just starting to gain some traction and they start censoring leftie voices. And a platform that actively censors the side standing against oppression, hate speech, and protects billionaire PDF files isn’t worth being a part of.

I’d like to extend the invitation to Minnesota to join Canada as our beautiful 11th province. Call us back if you’re interested Premier Walz.

I’m not American. I don’t live anywhere near Minnesota. And I want to riot.

I really wish I could say V for Vendetta didn’t age well and is no longer a relevant movie for the times we live in. But here we are. Fuck ICE.

I really wish the future we were getting was StarTrek but more and more it looks like we’re getting Bladerunner.

Every time I get the thought that I’m doing well and I don’t need my happy pills anymore I think about Kanye West, and how well he’s done off his meds.

Me: I should really start eating better. Also me: Oooo! Peanut M&Ms!

25th Amendment. Call your congressional representative. Leave an angry message every day. It’s not nearly as inconvenient as what our lives will be like if this senile dumb-fuck (or his enablers) gets their way.

“Who the hell would live in a place called tornado alley?” -Me, a guy living on the “ring of fire” 🫠🤣

There is no problem in my life that couldn’t be solved with about $10 million.

Seriously America, wake the fuck up. The American public might be the only ones able to stop WW3 at this point. I wish I was being hyperbolic. youtu.be/a2J4uOi9Qcw?...

I think we should all get a second vacation after the holidays. One where laws prevent us from seeing relatives we spent excessive amounts of time with recently. I am so peopled out right now.

Dear America: I know it can be hard to have a stubborn, doddering family member. But seriously, it’s time to take the keys to the country away from Grandpa, he just did the international equivalent of driving the car into a convenience store. Fuck Trump and anyone who’s still supporting him.

I’ve never met a racist that wasn’t either extremely privileged, stupid, or both. In all three cases the result is the same: Ignorance.

Happy new years blue sky! I hope all your midnight kisses come from a cute goth baddie you think is way out of your league! ( I’m using baddie as gender neutral here 🙃 )

Two year olds are super cute. Sometimes they wake you up at 4am by barfing on your face. Just a thought if you’re thinking about having kids.

Oh, cool! It must be time for my annual Christmas crash out!

A Christmas Carol. But it’s just Trump up all night while we learn about the ghosts of his past.

Schedule? Wtf is that!? Going live with some Cyberpunk 2077! Twitch.tv/rgbgrass

I think the only way Andrew Tate and Logan Paul can regain their “alpha male” status now is in a cage fight with a polar bear. Let’s make that happen.