I’ll be the meat, you be the cheese Climb on board, this charcuterie I’ll pickle your olive You toast my loaf There’s no casing… on my salami

No one’s gonna fuck you with all those ducks on your dash

Love smokin weed while cutting grass, blazin green while trimming verge, rippin bud while mowing lawn. Just so much more efficient to pull the dandelions as you go. *** NOT for riding mower folks.

Maybe I’m getting soft but these days there are 5 things I absolutely muuuuust have in a hotel room: fluffy pillow, coffee maker, breathable air, gravity < 35 m/sec^2, background radiation levels under 90 sieverts.

Still driving a giant SUV, eating meat, and cranking the AC? Dude, ABSOLUTELY. NO. WORRIES. We just gotta tell our children that human civilization ends with them and they can never have kids bc our planet will be a scorched barren wasteland. Totes all good!

I’m a dust bunny in the streets but a dirt devil wearing pleats.

Been stankin about that little white tank top sittin right there in the middle by me. I knew what I was feeeling But what was I stannnkin

Trying to ruin a punk’s day? Hit em with the ole ‘why you being such a squibillimus’ They can’t take being a squib. Let alone a squib that’s been illimoosed

To all the people walking slow into work: you for real didn’t leave the house at the absolutely last split second to make it in on time if you walk-sprint the whole time?

I’m more than a pretty face… Got a sick bod too

Yeah fuck cold fusion all I want to know is why this thing is wet

Bini, bidi, bici!

The kid came out of the womb with stork bite. By which I mean he WILL peck the shit out of you with his very long beak

Ooo but what about when, instead of fixing a problem, you just completely ignore it… and it goes away on its own. Goddamn, nothing finer.

I ain’t quitting oxygen even if it does take years off my life.

Ahhhhh the peace of wilderness… punctuated only by the megahertz reverberation of Trace Adkins singing CHROME directly into my acoustic nerves.

Whoever invented the Bristol Stool Chart really missed an opportunity to call it Scategories

‘Welcome to this conference on Extremism. I’ll be your moderator’ shouted the Alterboy

Whelp, lost another toenail. Not an attached one, just a clipping I was hoping to save.

People who were into sniffing markers in 5th grade- got any new hobbies these days? Or we still just sniffin?

God almighty Jesus Christ and our lord and savior I hope this baby doesn’t come out while we are driving through Ohio

How many SPF is the hovering existential weight of adulthood?

Impressive how one line in an Adam Sandler movie changed an entire generation’s tasty in sloppy toe texture.

Is this website pure reptilian brain or is there a way I can upload my spinal cord? Trying to @ you reflexively.

I never don headwear when I ambulate over Jesus’ grave. No cap, on god.

‘Condor’ is just the letter n away from ‘Condom’ and you better believe that’s by design bc those babies FUCK

The name Parakeet implies the presence of a similar and adjacent bird… the KEET

Welcome to my air show No planes We just looking at air bro

Wish more scarecrows were dressed as ladies so I could be out there hollerin ‘Oh hay girrrrl’

If you think about it wind and solar really won’t be that beneficial for the environment bc all the self actualized boys with long penises will still have to Roll Coal to ensure we know how impressive and cool they are.

Proud to be part of the generation that only knows how to pronounce it TOIGHT

Feverishly worried I was being impolite this whole time, I asked her if I should be saying good night to all my gut microbes. She told me to B. Cereus.

I reject your reality and substitute other people’s.

P-E-N-U-L-T-I-M-M-A-T-E recited the spelling bee’s runner up.

I don’t have a secret sauce, but oh baby wait until you see my surreptitious salsa.

Crazy how The Eagles have been telling us to take it easy for like 50 years and people still do coke before hitting the grocery store.

‘You’re a silly man’ … I’m a silly man with a silly plan! ‘You’re a small, silly boy’ … I’m a silly man with a cute little silly plan!! ‘You’re an worthless toad’ … I’m a worthless toad.

Love thinking about last names that used to be occupations - like I know what your ancestors were up to Misters Baker, Brewer, Carpenter, Stealyourgirl

When I said you’re stout of heart what I meant was is you probably got more epicardial fat thank you think

I like to think of trees as tiny little hairs growing out of the earth. Ewwww

Don’t worry, I asked, and the aliens think everyone’s hobbies are stupid.