Oh, I see the problem. When he said Release the Epstein Files and No New Wars, he meant No New Epstein Files and Release the Wars. Honest mistake.

The Supreme Court just overturned Donald Trump's dumb tariffs by a 6-3 margin. Ketchup bottles everywhere are terrified.

Palm Beach International airport will be re-named for Donald Trump, costing taxpayers an estimated 5.5 million dollars. But it makes sense. Palm Beach International has limited capacity, is a relic of the past with terrible views, and it traffics children.

Hey Pam Bondi: the Dow dropped below 50,000. So NOW can we care about children being raped?

Kid Rock’s segregation extravaganza for losers didn’t even get half the viewership of the Puppy Bowl, despite both starring illiterate animals who shit themselves in public.

Hey, what country is Puerto Rico in? Asking for a bunch of fucking idiots.

With friends like these, we need better friends.

Since Donald Trump became president, the dollar has lost a whopping 9% of its value. But that is just the price we have to pay for the privilege of being led by a narcissistic war-mongering pedophile.

I shouldn’t make fun of Kid Rock. Who else could sing authentically about growing up in the rural woods of the inner city in confederate Detroit?

But his emails.

They’ve redacted a lot of what they’ve released. They haven’t released everything they have. And I’m sure there are things that happened they don’t even know about. As bad as what we’ve seen is, the full truth is somehow worse.

“We can’t know if these verified emails are real,” says the same guy who believed Wayfair shipped kids inside coffee tables and an office pizza order was code for child sex-trafficking.

“Melania” is on pace to lose about 50 million dollars. WOW! That’s like $20 for each time Donald Trump is named in the Epstein Files.

The Trump regime just arrested journalists Georgia Fort and Don Lemon. The free speech bros must be so angry! Unless the free speech bros were lying and only ever cared about themselves…

What’s the difference between “Melania” and Bigfoot? Many people admit to seeing Bigfoot.

The Melania movie premiere didn’t even earn back 5% of its marketing budget. Melania hasn’t had an opening for something this little and underwhelming since she got her green card.

Abraham Lincoln said watching “Melania” was the worst experience he’s ever had in a theatre.

Shows added in Nashville and Little Rock.

Did you know a group is paying people $50,000 a year to go to protests? No training, no background check, and they even give people they hire guns! The group is called “ICE”.

Shows added in Little Rock, Lexington, Wichita, and more.

Greg Bovino has been relieved of his duties as Commander-at-large of Border Patrol. Excuse me while I play a tiny violin. Or as Bovino calls it, an enormous violin.

Today is a great day to impeach Kristi Noem.

If speaking out against fascism damages your “brand”, that means your brand is fascism.

Tucson show added. Tickets on my website.

I’d like to apologize for my post mocking the NRA for staying quiet on the “but he had a gun!” narrative. They issued a statement. It was just so vanilla, I assumed it was written by Susan Collins.

If ICE wants to get rid of all things foreign, they should start with Kristi Noem’s face. It’s only been in the country a few years, contributes nothing, and uses up millions of our tax dollars.

My life as a comedian in today's America is alternating between begging my government to stop shooting people in the streets and letting people know that tickets just went on sale to Bellingham and Sioux City.

Joy Berggren of Clarksville Tennessee is having herself the day she deserves.

They spent decades saying they were arming themselves to protect us from the government when they were really arming themselves to protect the government from us.

Who could have predicted telling a gang of poorly trained and over-armed bootlickers who worship the Punisher's violence while being too dumb to understand its message that they have immunity could lead to this.

I’m worried about my daughter. She cries when uncomfortable, has no concept of what’s happening in the world, can’t use arms correctly, and is just 21 inches tall. I’m afraid she’ll be mistaken for Greg Bovino.

The reason MAGA is cheering on the detention of a 5 year-old boy is there’s now one less person competing with them for the affections of 5 year-old girls.

I was asked if I’ll be shifting to parenting content now that I have a daughter. No. I intend to fight fascism so she doesn’t have to.

After those speeches, it’s clear Canada elected Mark Carney and America elected a carny.

JD Vance is going to Minneapolis after hearing that ICE is rounding up Ottomans.

Donald Trump was seen having trouble walking in a straight line. I don’t fault him, that’s tough to do while Goose-stepping in boots.

I will not mock Donald Trump for repeatedly confusing Greenland with Iceland. I used to do the same thing when I was a child.

Ted Cruz said ICE will make us safe. Ironic coming from a man who flees his state any time the temperature drops below 30.

Before I believe you think "she should have just complied" I want to see how you handle a mall security guard accusing you of shoplifting.

Shows announced in Boise, Chattanooga, Dubuque, and more.

Progressives: Violent people with extreme mental issues should not be allowed to own guns. MAGA: they’re taking our guns!