If I am ever brutally murdered, please make sure that my memorial service barely mentions me, most of my family isn’t there, and there’s a gift shop.

Big ol Philadelphia show Sunday.

The reason I don't believe you understand the second amendment is because of how obvious it is that you've never read the first.

This tour is completely new stuff since my last special. The intent was to talk about this new phase of my life, but I'll also be weaving in some thoughts on the thin-skinned fascist's attempt to silence all dissent. Because I am full of dissent. Tickets on my website, as always.

While I can still post what I want here, Donald Trump is an incompetent tiny-handed mushroom-dicked racist sexist narcissistic violent potato-faced fragile imbecilic fraud of a man-child pedophile who would kill his own son for a chance to fuck his daughter. And he sucks at golf.

Of course he doesn’t have thick skin. It would dwarf his teeny hands.

Comedians have a lot in common with children. We question the world around us, we have a distaste for authority, and we’ve been fucked by the president.

Could the FCC tell us exactly what rule Jimmy Kimmel violated? Because I'd bet Mar-A-Lago that Fox News has violated it thousands of times.

Shoutout to the comedians who ushered in fascism in exchange for being able to say whatever they want just realizing that they can no longer say whatever they want.

And I bet the "free speech absolutists" will be real quiet about this.

Big ol Philly show coming up.

If you enjoy me, give @jayblack.bsky.social a follow.

Big show coming up in Quincy, IL.

RELEASE. THE. FILES.

Big ol theatre show coming up in the Philly suburbs (Glenside). Unless David gets me cancelled first!

Dayton show tonight.

To the MAGA trolls brigading my page, I want you to know that Donald Trump is a bigoted pedophile and you only support him because you are either hateful or easily duped. Thanks for the engagement, dummies.

Tonight in Lansing. Then Grand Rapids and Dayton.

Me: People shouldn't be allowed to have lions as pets. Them: They're taking our cats!

I will not cheer for Charlie Kirk's death because I will not cheer for gun violence of any kind. This has to stop.

Charlie Kirk was shot while speaking at an event in Orem, Utah. Something has to be done about the violence in these large blue cities in blue states like Orem, Utah.

Is it too soon to talk about gun control now?

A thread. I want to tell you about thirty 12 year-olds. Don’t worry, it's good news. After yesterday’s show, a teacher told me that he’s never seen anxiety as high as it is right now among students. I assumed he was trying to commiserate about the state of the country - but it was more than that.

Shows in Buffalo, Ann Arbor, Lansing, Grand Rapids, & Dayton.

Israel's supreme court ruled that the government is starving prisoners. In response, Benjamin Netanyahu continued being the same corrupt fascist asshole he's always been.

Shows coming up in Ann Arbor, Lansing, and Grand Rapids.

Albany, Syracuse, and Buffalo shows.

Albany, Buffalo, and Syracuse shows coming up.

So Pam Bondi had that missing minute of Epstein footage the whole time. I’m sure this will change everything for Trump supporters.

Congratulations to RFK Jr. on somehow being the worst person related to a Kennedy.

Big New York state tour coming up.

Release the files so we can’t make sure to imprison the ‘philes. Shows coming up in Philadelphia, Montreal, Long Island, Lansing, Grand Rapids, Syracuse, Dayton, Albany, Buffalo, Rutherford NJ, Point Pleasant NJ, Pittsburgh, Ann Arbor, Beckley, Burlington, and more. Tix on my website, as always.

The only people who don’t want to release the files are the ‘philes.

There was a Doctor Who episode where something happened because everyone on earth manifested it. Turns out the show is fictional. Damn.

Dear universe: my birthday is September 11th. It's been a day of mourning for more than half my life. But I can think of a really lovely gift that would make it a happy day again.

Taylor Swift announced her engagement on Tuesday. And that was the last we heard from Donald Trump.

Rudy Giuliani was seriously injured in a car accident. I hope he gets the same expert medical care that he would wish for a disabled transgender immigrant.

In 1996, I made $665 over 28 weekends as a babysitter. I spent the majority of it on baseball cards, but I used some to upgrade the ram on my computer. I used that computer to write my college applications. Just getting ahead of Taylor Lorenz accusing me of not disclosing all my funding sources.

Good to be in Canada, where a red hat doesn't mean you're an asshole.

Score one for the “prayers don’t work” argument.

Have we considered the possibility that he used so much bronzer that ICE accidentally deported him to El Salvador?

Michigan shows coming up.

Maine shows coming up.

The reviews of my new special "Kill the Butterflies" are in. Terrible people hate it!

While we're sending the national guard into cities, can we use them to stop all the child-raping in Palm Beach?

My main take on Taylor Swift's engagement is that Charlie Kirk is a loser who should shut his dumb face.