After six years, we are closing the Nanaimo Beacon. What started as a few cheap jokes turned into a strange, joyful corner of our community. Along the way, we raised $3,500 for local causes and hopefully a few eyebrows. Thanks for being in on it. Even when you weren’t. ❤️

With cruise ship traffic set to double, #Nanaimo is bracing for an influx of confused tourists asking where the Starbucks is. Local officials are scrambling to create more attractions, including a "Genuine Nanaimo Bar Experience" where guests pay $20 to watch someone eat one. 🧵 a thread 👇🏻

Vancouver Island University has suspended two students for engaging in the reckless act of having opinions. “We encourage free speech, as long as it’s the right kind,” said a spokesperson.

After a record-breaking year for power failures in #Nanaimo, #BCHydro has introduced a new billing tier: "Surprise Outage Premium." The plan offers no additional service, but does charge customers extra to experience the thrilling unpredictability of underfunded energy infrastructure.

The first wave of #Nanaimo residents participating in the #psilocybin trial have reported “extremely positive” effects, though most were too busy laughing at the shape of their hands to elaborate. Therapists say at least one participant got stuck in a loop saying, “Duuuude, this is so Harewood.”

Local RCMP are scratching their heads after someone managed to steal an entire boat from a #Nanaimo marina. “It turns out, with the right skills, you can take one," said spokesperson Nathan Poe. Police are urging boat owners to lock up their boats and not leave out the keys labeled "boat keys."

A #Nanaimo miniature schnauzer named Dave has located the only patch of grass in Nanaimo suitable for urinating. The nine-year-old says he won’t disclose the location of the patch for fear of it being “over-run by fucking Chihuahuas.” nanaimobeacon.com/do...

After days of snow-clearing #Nanaimo main streets, city road crews were astonished today to learn that secondary routes are, in fact, real. "We thought they were myths, like Bigfoot or affordable housing," said one worker. Residents on side streets worried this was a cruel municipal prank.

After an absence of more than three years, it seems Nanaimo’s “Snow Boner” artist has returned. Municipal officials discovered the sculpture on the lawn of City Hall early this morning. ✅ READ MORE: nanaimobeacon.com/sn...

Panic has gripped #Nanaimo as meteorologists predict a light dusting of snow. Cars are being abandoned mid-road, and local officials have mobilized emergency response teams to deal with the anticipated 30-minute inconvenience. "Last year's blizzard took two full hours to melt," the mayor added.

The #Nanaimo area is being ravaged by an invasive species of “Dollarama” stores (also known by its scientific name, Cheapinum Crapoli). It originated in the U.S. and quickly takes over stretches of highway, roadsides, and shopping malls that have lost the will to live. nanaimobeacon.com/dollarama/

#Nanaimo bus riders will pay $250 per ride starting April 1, following a decision last night by the RDN. The new #transit fare will fund an upgrade to bus interiors, and promises benefits like "(mostly) vomit-free seating" and "handrails pre-lubricated with decades of mysterious stickiness."

A Mississippi state bill being debated would ban men from masturbating. The bill, titled the "Contraception Begins at Erection Act," would make it unlawful for "a person to discharge genetic material without the intent to fertilize an embryo." Also, this is real and not satire.

It’s time the City of Nanaimo stops posting on X. Repost if you agree. vancouversun.com/news/distric...

It's the 150th ann'y of the first #Nanaimo Facebook group. Some sought help — “Anyone know a good blacksmith? #SupportLocal" — but most devolved into arguments about mining safety and the right way to churn butter. The first moderator quit after a “Lost Horse” post turned into a 3-week flame war.

#Nanaimo RCMP say they’re so committed to helping rein in the region’s crime wave, they’re prepared to deploy even more plastic mascots in strategic, high-crime areas. “We take the safety of residents and property seriously,” said RCMP spokesmascot Nathan Poe. https://nanaimobeacon.com/mascots/

AMERICAN BAN LIST (as of Jan 18 ‘25) ✅ TikTok ❌ Assault weapons ❌ LGBT conversion therapy ❌ Workplace discrimination ❌ Medical insurance gouging ❌ An unelected tech oligarchy ❌ Private for-profit prisons ❌ Gerrymandering ❌ Uncapped corporate donations to political campaigns ✅ …and Red dye #3

BREAKING — In a bid to engage youth, #Nanaimo has purchased TikTok for $69 billion. "We'll replace budget discussions with dance challenges," announced mayor Krog, attempting to floss. City officials are already practicing their lip-syncing skills for the next property tax increase announcement.

A popular #Nanaimo trail has re-opened after an aggressive cougar was relocated. “I was just jogging, and suddenly Karen offered me wine and a cruise to Mexico,” said one traumatized 25-year-old. “It’s called confidence,” shot back Sherri, 49. Trail-goers are warned to avoid prolonged eye contact.

"Nanaimo" spelled backwards is MAIN-AMINO. 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘺𝘱𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵, 𝘪𝘯𝘷𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘨𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘫𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘮 𝘪𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘺 𝘰𝘳 𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘱. 𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘥 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘲𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘥 𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘩𝘭𝘺 𝘴𝘶𝘣𝘴𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘣𝘦𝘳.

#nanaimo #cdnpoli #bcpoli

All #Nanaimo parks will be renamed next month to two-syllables which start with B. The parks will join Beban Park and Bowen Park in the new naming convention. Also on the original list of renamed parks was Bobbitt Park, but that option was cut. ✅ MORE: https://nanaimobeacon.com/parknames/

#Nanaimo florist Nathan Poe says he's out $4,200 after stockpiling dozens of anti-Trudeau flags and signs. Poe says he opposed Trudeau because he felt the PM was a "woketard," and that "those liberals always build their whole identity around hating things." He plans to donate the signs to charity.

Promises kept: This morning, we donated $1,200 to independent journalism in Nanaimo @chly.ca and @thediscourse.ca Thank you for following us, and please support independent journalism in our community.

Masks must again be worn in health-care facilities across B.C. Some residents have “opinions.” nanaimobeacon.com/toomuch/ #bcpoli #abpoli #covid #publichealth #cdnpoli

Effective today, we are no longer publishing on any Meta platform (Facebook, Instagram, or Threads.) Please share some of our work and encourage your little buddies to follow us here on Bluesky, or on Mastodon.

In honour of its 150th birthday, the City of Nanaimo says all potholes will be filled with LED lights, turning them into "interactive art installations." "This initiative combines infrastructure neglect with artistic expression, truly capturing the spirit of #Nanaimo," said mayor Nathan Poe.

HBO's #TheLastOfUs series will return to #Nanaimo — turning downtown into a post-apocalyptic scene. Now, locals are asking council to maintain the dystopian aesthetic permanently. "I mean, there's not much difference between the set and how it usually looks," said one. "Won't that save us money?"

Friends don't let friends use Facebook. For every Bluesky follower we have at the end of the week, we will donate $1 (up to $1500) to local independent journalism organizations CHLY Radio and The Discourse.

Without a day of snow this winter, #Nanaimo residents report they've lost the ability to make small-talk with strangers at the bus stop. In an interview with local electrician Nathan Poe, he started by saying "Nice to talk to ya! Hey, how about all this..." and then fell into a deep, sad silence.

CNN this week declared Vancouver Island to be the best place to visit in 2025 if you'd prefer to not have fun. American tourist Nathan Poe told the Beacon "Here on Vancouver Island, I can spend hours trying to see the sun behind a thick wall of grey clouds. None of this is enjoyable."

WE NEED YOUR HELP Each year, we make a donation to the #Nanaimo community. This year, we're supporting local journalism: @chly1017fm.bsky.social and @thediscourse.ca For every Bluesky follower we have on Jan 7, we will donate $1.00 up to $1500! 🙂 Please share and support local news ❤️ #vanisland

#Nanaimo residents are angry that the City is moving to a subscription model. Services like water and sewage will now be billed every four months, and property taxes billed monthly. "This is ridiculous," said Harewood resident Nathan Poe, not understanding how anything in the real world works.

This is just your reminder that #Nanaimo city council still hasn’t held a community engagement event in 2025.

#Nanaimo city will close the intersection of Bastion & Commercial after a sinkhole to Hell was discovered. "We told you the gay crosswalk paint would unearth demons!!" said local Conservative candidate Nathan Poe. In fact, the hole is from mine voids, and the intersection will re-open in late Feb.

Each year, we make a substantial donation to the #Nanaimo community. This year, we're supporting local journalism: @chly1017fm.bsky.social and @thediscourse.ca For every Bluesky follower we have on Jan 7th, we will donate $1.00 up to $1500! 🙂 Please share and support local news ❤️ #vanisland #yyj

In case you all didn’t know, this is an anagram for “Ferries will spawn demon children.”

Just in time for the busy holiday season, #BCFerries has launched its new “Wave of Chaos” ad campaign. TV ads show images of packed terminals and stressed families, promising an “unforgettable bonding experience” while waiting hours for cancelled sailings. #nanaimo #vancouverisland #victoriabc #yyj

Why is the CBC moving in on our territory? 😂

The Late-French Immersion program at #Nanaimo schools will stay, thanks to a last-minute initiative from parents and students. ---- Translation: Les anglophones stupides ne peuvent pas lire ceci. Baise-les. Nous nous rallions à minuit. Apportez les fourches.

The average price for a bachelor suite in #Nanaimo has reached $1,246, causing residents to wonder which bachelor is responsible for this madness. “It has to be Brad,” said local renter Nathan Poe. “He went to college and started a YouTube channel, and now my rent is through the roof!”

In response to the impending 8% property tax increase, the City of #Nanaimo is offering free budgeting classes. Attendees can enjoy lessons like “How to Make a Monthly Budget from Your Child's Allowance” and “Creative Fundraising Ideas Like Selling Your Favourite Chair.”

#Nanaimo dockworker Nathan Poe has been appointed federal Finance Minister, after complaining for years on Facebook that "I could run that f*king department better." Poe says he took a call from Prime Minister Justin Trudeau this morning, saying "You want it? You can have it, dumb-ass!" #cdnpoli

#Nanaimo's Urgent Care centre no longer treats any medical issues that require urgent care. "Other than that," said medical director Nathan Poe "it's business as usual." The centre will now operate as a lottery ticket redemption kiosk. (Three tickets are redeemed each day; lineup starts at 4am)

Power outages on #VancouverIsland forced locals into horrifying “face-to-face interaction.” Residents unable to charge their phones, reported making eye contact and even playing board games. “We have to talk without emojis,” one man said. “It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.” #bcstorm

Here’s a Christmas present. The incomparable @nanaimobeacon.com is on BlueSky. Do yourself a favour and subscribe!

The #BCNDP and Greens have struck a deal to work together in the Legislature, leading the public to question what they've been doing all this time. "How long does it take to say 'Please—We'll give you whatever you want," said #Nanaimo baker N. Poe. #nanaimo #victoria #yyj #vancouverisland #bcpoli