When the New Yorker editor, Harold Ross, asked her why she hadn't been to the office during the week to write her usual piece: "Someone was using the pencil." #DorothyParker #Parker

Ornithology For Beginners The bird that feeds from off my palm Is sleek, affectionate, and calm, But double to me, is worth the thrush A-flickering in the elder-bush. #DorothyParker #Parker

Of her second husband: "Oh, don't worry about Alan. Alan will always land on somebody's feet." #DorothyParker #Parker

Three highballs, and I think I'm St. Francis of Assisi. #DorothyParker #Parker

The Flaw In Paganism Drink and dance and laugh and lie Love, the reeling midnight through, For tomorrow we shall die! (But, alas, we never do.) #DorothyParker #Parker

To someone who congratulated her with the words "What are you complaining about? You're married to a charming, handsome man who adores you. What more do you want?" : "Presents." #DorothyParker #Parker

Isn't it a bit presumptuous of us to be alive now that Mr. Benchley is dead? #DorothyParker #Parker

Talking to a friend about a garrulous bore: Friend: "She's so outspoken." DP: "By whom?" #DorothyParker #Parker

Godspeed Oh, seek, my love, your newer way; I'll not be left in sorrow. So long as I have yesterday, Go rake your damned tomorrow! #DorothyParker #Parker

On being asked if she was going to join Alcoholics Anonymous : "Certainly not. They'd want me to stop now." #DorothyParker #Parker

Oh, I said it all right. You know how it is. A joke. When people expect you to say things, you say things. Isn't that the way it is? #DorothyParker #Parker

Of her second husband: "Oh, don't worry about Alan. Alan will always land on somebody's feet." #DorothyParker #Parker

Pictures in the Smoke Oh, gallant was the first love, and glittering and fine; The second love was water, in a clear white cup; The third love was his, and the fourth was mine; And after that, I always get them all mixed up. #DorothyParker #Parker

To a friend who was upset that he had to get rid of his cat: "Have you tried curiosity?" #DorothyParker #Parker

News Item Men seldom make passes At girls who wear glasses. #DorothyParker #Parker

...Why is it no one ever sent me yet One perfect limousine, do you suppose? Ah no, it's just my luck to get One perfect rose. #DorothyParker #Parker

On being told that someone wouldn't hurt a fly: "Not if it was buttoned up." #DorothyParker #Parker

Did you ever realise there are just no dogs in Philadelphia? Oh, what an ugly place. #DorothyParker #Parker

To Sam Goldwyn, who asked her at dinner: "Do you really say all those things which the papers report that you say?" "Do you?" #DorothyParker #Parker

On being told at a Halloween party that people were ducking for apples: "There, but for a single consonant, is the story of my life." #DorothyParker #Parker

Summary Every love's the love before In a duller dress. That's the measure of my lore - Here's my bitterness: Would I knew a little more, Or very much less! #DorothyParker #Parker

I should have stayed home for dinner. I could have had something on a tray. The head of John the Baptist, or something. #DorothyParker #Parker

To a supercilious youth who said he "simply couldn't bear fools": "How odd. Your mother could apparently." #DorothyParker #Parker

Theodore Dreiser Should ought to write nicer. #DorothyParker #Parker

News Item Men seldom make passes At girls who wear glasses. #DorothyParker #Parker

You know, that woman speaks eighteen languages. And she can't say "No" in any of them. #DorothyParker #Parker

De Profundis Oh, is it, then, Utopian To hope that I may meet a man Who'll not relate, in accents suave, The tales of girls he used to have? #DorothyParker #Parker

There were two things that would always bewilder her, she said: how a zipper worked and the exact function of Bernard Baruch. #DorothyParker #Parker

Did I enjoy the party? One more drink and I'd have been under the host. #DorothyParker #Parker

Oscar Wilde If, with the literate, I am Impelled to try an epigram, I never seek to take the credit; We all assume that Oscar said it. #DorothyParker #Parker

There always must be some kind of hitch. Isn't nature (finish this line for yourself and get a year's subscription to the Boston Post). #DorothyParker #Parker

Colliding with Clare Booth Luce in a doorway: CBL: "Age before beauty." DP (stepping aside): "Pearls before swine." #DorothyParker #Parker

Of the slow pace of work in Hollywood; "Unless someone comes near my office, I'm going to write MEN on the door." #DorothyParker #Parker

Observation If I don't drive around the park, I'm pretty sure to make my mark. If I'm in bed each night by ten, I may get back my looks again. If I abstain from fun and such, I'll probably amount to much. But I shall stay the way I am, Because I do not give a damn. #DorothyParker #Parker

Love is for unlucky folk, Love is but a curse. Once there was a heart I broke: And that, I think, is worse. #DorothyParker #Parker

Talking to a friend about a garrulous bore: Friend: "She's so outspoken." DP: "By whom?" #DorothyParker #Parker

When a woman asked her, as they often did, "How did you do it?" : "See your analyst. He might have a word with your ovaries." #DorothyParker #Parker

Why would anybody choose a career? #DorothyParker #Parker

Comment Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, A medley of extemporanea; And love is a thing that can never go wrong, And I am Marie of Roumania. #DorothyParker #Parker

Name for a pet parrot: "Onan" (because he spilled his seed on the bottom of his cage.) #DorothyParker #Parker

Telegram sent to two friends who had been living together and then got married: "WHAT'S NEW?" #DorothyParker #Parker

Of the slow pace of work in Hollywood; "Unless someone comes near my office, I'm going to write MEN on the door." #DorothyParker #Parker

Did I enjoy the party? One more drink and I'd have been under the host. #DorothyParker #Parker

I require only three things of a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid. #DorothyParker #Parker

Telegram to an actress who finally had her baby after many carefully contrived appearances during her long pregnancy: "GOOD WORK. WE ALL KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU." #DorothyParker #Parker

To a neighbour who tolder her her dog was a female: "I always call dogs 'he'. It don't do to notice everything." #DorothyParker #Parker

Of Margot Asquith's four-volume autobiography: "The affair between Margo Asquith and Margo Asquith will live as one of the prettiest love stories in all literature." #DorothyParker #Parker

Of a performance by Katherine Hepburn: "She ran the whole gamut of emotions, from A to B." #DorothyParker #Parker

Words of Comfort to be Scratched on a Mirror Helen of Troy had a wandering glance; Sappho's restriction was only the sky; Ninon was ever the chatter of France; But oh, what a good girl am I! #DorothyParker #Parker

Coda There's little in taking or giving There's little in water or wine; This living, this living, this living Was never a project of mine. #DorothyParker #Parker