Of her pet dog's mange: "I suppose he got it from a lamp-post." #DorothyParker #Parker

George Reith's "The Art of Successful Bidding" is well over my head. I can't even jump for it. #DorothyParker #Parker

There were two things that would always bewilder her, she said: how a zipper worked and the exact function of Bernard Baruch. #DorothyParker #Parker

Of the 1930s: "They were progressive days. We thought we were going to make the world better - I forget why we thought it, but we did." #DorothyParker #Parker

Sure, you make Money writing on the coast, and God knows you earn it, but that money is like so much compressed snow. It goes so fast it melts in your hand. #DorothyParker #Parker

Of the Yale prom: "If all those sweet young things were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised." #DorothyParker #Parker

Of her job at Vanity Fair: "My boss is an idiot, and the rest of the staff is four young men who go to pieces easily. Even when they're in the best of health, you have to stand on their insteps to keep them from flying away." #DorothyParker #Parker

On finding herself a guest at a private house: "I knew it would be terrible. Only I didn't think it would be as bad as this. This isn't just plain terrible; this is fancy." #DorothyParker #Parker

Telegram sent to two friends who had been living together and then got married: "WHAT'S NEW?" #DorothyParker #Parker

On hearing the door bell or telephone ringing: "What fresh hell is this?" #DorothyParker #Parker

After spending some time in the company of a handsome sun-burnt young film star in Hollywood: "Ah yes. His is the hue of availability." #DorothyParker #Parker

Braggart You will be frail and musty With peering, furtive head, While I am young and lusty Among the roaring dead. #DorothyParker #Parker

Wit has truth in it. Wise-cracking is simply callisthenics with words. #DorothyParker #Parker

Sure, you make Money writing on the coast, and God knows you earn it, but that money is like so much compressed snow. It goes so fast it melts in your hand. #DorothyParker #Parker

News Item Men seldom make passes At girls who wear glasses. #DorothyParker #Parker

When a woman asked her, as they often did, "How did you do it?" : "See your analyst. He might have a word with your ovaries." #DorothyParker #Parker

Indian Summer In youth, it was a way I had To do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad, To suit his theories. But now I know the things I know, And do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! #DorothyParker #Parker

Oscar Wilde If, with the literate, I am Impelled to try an epigram, I never seek to take the credit; We all assume that Oscar said it. #DorothyParker #Parker

Resume Razors pain you; Rivers are damp; Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live. #DorothyParker #Parker

Paying her last respects to Scott Fitzgerald as eh lay in an undertaker's parlor in Los Angeles, and quoting the words of a mourner at the funer of Jay Gatsby: "The poor son-of-a-bitch!" #DorothyParker #Parker

On being told that Harold Ross had called her on her honeymoon demanding belated copy: "tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa." #DorothyParker #Parker

...Why is it no one ever sent me yet One perfect limousine, do you suppose? Ah no, it's just my luck to get One perfect rose. #DorothyParker #Parker

Challenged to use the word "horticulture" in a sentence: "You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think." #DorothyParker #Parker

Women who live alone in small residential hotels throughout the United States have plenty of money and plenty of time: their only occupation is to spend one and kill the other. #DorothyParker #Parker

Commenting on how she was refused admittance at the Casino in Monte Carlo for not wearing stockings: "So I went and found my stockings and lost my shirt." #DorothyParker #Parker

On hearing the door bell or telephone ringing: "What fresh hell is this?" #DorothyParker #Parker

Of an actress who, she was told, had fallen and broken a leg in London: "Oh, how terrible. She must have done it sliding down a barrister." #DorothyParker #Parker

Bonne Bouche was all that Mrs Hazelton could ask of a pet. She was tiny, she was noiseless, and she had a real talent for sleeping. Mrs Hazelton loved her truly. #DorothyParker #Parker

Did I enjoy the party? One more drink and I'd have been under the host. #DorothyParker #Parker

Mortal Enemy Let another cross his way She's the one will do the weeping! Little need I fear he'll stray Since I have his heart in keeping. Let another hail him dear - Little chance that he'll forget me! Only need I curse and fear Her he loved before he met me. #DorothyParker #Parker

Words of Comfort to be Scratched on a Mirror Helen of Troy had a wandering glance; Sappho's restriction was only the sky; Ninon was ever the chatter of France; But oh, what a good girl am I! #DorothyParker #Parker

Leaving her place one day at the Algonquin Round Table: "Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom." (pause) "I really have to telephone, but I'm too embarassed to say so." #DorothyParker #Parker

Time doth flit, Oh shit! #DorothyParker #Parker

On being told at a Halloween party that people were ducking for apples: "There, but for a single consonant, is the story of my life." #DorothyParker #Parker

Rhyme Against Living If wild my breast and sore my pride, I bask in dreams of suicide; If cool my heart and high my head, I think, "How lucky are the dead!" #DorothyParker #Parker

"Whatever is, is good" - your gracious creed. You wear your joy of living like a crown. Love lights your simplest gift of all - a friend. Your shining loyalty unflecked by doubt You ask but leave to follow to the end (Couldn't you wait until I took you out?) #DorothyParker #Parker

The Small Hours No more my little song comes back; And now of nights I lay My head on down, to watch the black And wait the unfailing gray. Oh, sad are winter nights, and slow; And sad's a song that's dumb; And sad it is to lie and know Another dawn will come. #DorothyParker #Parker

On being told that Harold Ross had called her on her honeymoon demanding belated copy: "tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa." #DorothyParker #Parker

Promise me that my gravestone will carry only these words: "If you can read this, you've come too close." #DorothyParker #Parker

Asked what she did for fun: "Everything that isn't writing is fun." #DorothyParker #Parker

Hemmingway avoids New York, for he has the most valuable asset an artist can possess - the fear of what he knows is bad for him. #DorothyParker #Parker

It's not the tragedies that trick us. It's the messes. I can't stand messes. #DorothyParker #Parker

Of her supersophisticated New York days: We were gallant, hardriding and careless of life. We were little black eyes that had gone astray... A sort of Ladies' Auxiliary of the Legion of the Damned. #DorothyParker #Parker

Comment Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, A medley of extemporanea; And love is a thing that can never go wrong, And I am Marie of Roumania. #DorothyParker #Parker

As far as I'm concerned, the most beautiful word in the English language is "cellar-door". #DorothyParker #Parker

It's not the tragedies that trick us. It's the messes. I can't stand messes. #DorothyParker #Parker

Hazel Morse was a large, fair woman of the type that incites some men when they use the word "blonde" to click their tongues and wag their heads roguishly. #DorothyParker #Parker

Horsie All I say is, nobody has any business to go around looking like a horse and behaving as it it were all right. You don't catch horses going around looking like people, do you?" #DorothyParker #Parker

Reuben's Children Accursed from their birth they be Who seek to find monogamy, Pursuing it from bed to bed - I think they would be better dead. #DorothyParker #Parker

Comment Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, A medley of extemporanea; And love is a thing that can never go wrong, And I am Marie of Roumania. #DorothyParker #Parker