#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters I went deep sea fishing yesterday with the Naturist Society, and it was so hot that our naked bodies and fishing equipment suffered badly. What about your tackle? Liberal amounts of sun lotion really helped.

A new species of Octopus has been found. It is described as blue and about the size of a golf ball. I found some first, but mine had a hole in one.

#LunchPun #mondaymirth I’ve been asked to play several parts in a promotional video for our local bakery. I love trying out different rolls.

#LunchPun #sidesplittingsunday I went to my doctor and told her that every time I drop my boxer shorts in the toilet, I get incredibly upset and want them back where they belong. She wanted to know how long I had had these pant up emotions.

🎶 Come tiptoe through one’s tulips with one 🎶

#LunchPun #badjokefriday Our local auction house has discovered that a valuable Lautrec painting has gone missing. It’s a lot to lose.

#LunchPun #badjokethursday King Charles says he doesn’t want the traditional alcohol-soaked fruit cake at his official birthday celebrations next month. So Andrew’s not been invited.

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit My mate is a show-off inventor and recently threw himself off a pier into the sea whilst on fire, to demonstrate his new flotation device. Flame buoyant? More like a bit extravagant.

#LunchPun #mondaymirth I was once cast as the lead stand-in for a theatre musical about the Cuban dictator, Castro. After a while I realised I was not going to get my big chance so left as I was fed up with playing second Fidel.

When I die, I'd like the words 'Modest and Unassuming' written on the base of my statue.

#LunchPun #sidesplittingsunday I once got sent to an Army base to investigate a theft. On arrival, the Sergeant Major, who wasn’t the sharpest of people, was handing out silk bathrobes. He said he’d been told by the Colonel to give the troops a really good dressing gown.

#LunchPun #sillysaturday I’ve written a Eurovision Song Contest tune about trawler staff who go fishing at sea. It’s really catchy.

#LunchPun #badjokefriday Mr President, we have accidentally killed some people from a South American country. Trump: How many? 3, Brazilian. Trump: How many bigly is 3 Brazilian?

#LunchPun #badjokethursday My dad used to be an ornate decorator in stately homes and palaces. One day, as a kid, I came across his supply of gold leaf and ate it. I have never felt so full of gilt.

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit I’ve recently landed a job writing for ‘Ice Cream Monthly’ and I’ve just had the first interview with the inventor of a giant grabber that digs out huge amounts of the product. My editor has said it’s a very big scoop.

#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters My niece is studying to be an auctioneer and I had to ask her loads of questions about the different items for sale in their catalogue. She made me ask her lots.

#LunchPun #mondaymirth My cousin works for the council, manually brushing roads clean. He was entered into the road tidying World Championships, but it all got too much and he was swept away by the atmosphere.

#LunchPun #sidesplittingsunday “Trying to think of the name of the actor who played James Bond and was forever having sex with loads of actresses?”. “Roger Moore?” “Yes he did, but I still can’t think of his name”.

#LunchPun #sillysaturday A steering wheel on a large boat broke into bits causing a crash. Analysis showed that a fungus had caused the weakness and its being written off as ‘Dutch helm disease’.

#LunchPun #badjokefriday After a disappointing night at the polls, Kier Starmer says it’s common for men of his age to experience election problems.

#LunchPun #badjokethursday I watched a documentary last night about a bomb explosion on a Navy warship. It got a lot of views as the ratings went through the roof.

A friend of mine is really jealous that I have a genuine ’Jaws’ film poster signed by the original cast (this one is in my kitchen). He is so envious that I think I am going to need a bigger gloat.

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit As a trainee vet I have just completed some tricky, intricate work on the rear legs and feet of a dairy cow. My senior colleague was very impressed with me and, to top it off, I got a huge pat on the head.

#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters In his will, my grandad left me the ownership and rights to a very lengthy opera song he had written for a solo singer. It’s about killing and skinning elephants and I don’t know if I want it as it’s bit of a grey aria.

#LunchPun #mondaymirth Last night I took part in a card game where perfume and aftershave was used as the currency. I won a lot, although some people still have to pay up. Owed a cologne? And a few bottles Aramis.

#LunchPun #sidesplittingsunday I purchased a bee hive and bees for my brother’s birthday but it turned out to be defective. Luckily it came with a honey-back guarantee.

#LunchPun As a trainee surgeon I was asked to insert a powerful magnetic arsehole into a patient. After a day there were some nasty odours coming from somewhere. I carried out an examination and discovered that the smell was over power ring.

#LunchPun #badjokethursday A theme park operator from Florida and Paris has diversified heavily into Scottish private medicine. It isn’t doing very well and the blame is being put on the company name of ‘Disney Care’.

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit I am a vicar hoping for promotion along with 6 others. There are only 3 places available and 2 have already been given jobs. The remaining 5 of us have to compete for the final place in the pray-offs.

#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters A famous Icelandic singer has invented a game where tiny joints of ham are moved around an odd looking board. Bjork Gammon has really taken off as a pastime.

#LunchPun #mondaymirth I met a runner the other day who wore size 15 training shoes. He trained in all weather conditions and overcame some horrible physical issues. When he finished the London Marathon I had to congratulate him on his amazing feet of endurance.

#LunchPun #sidesplittingsunday I’ve set up a business making and selling items for people to use when surfing. TBH, it was a bit shaky at first but now I’m fully onboard.

#LunchPun #badjokefriday As 60’s kids, we dressed as Boy Scouts and went to ‘Luigi’s of Milan’ chocolate shop in our town centre. One of us distracted him and the others stole gold, foil-covered chocolate coins. It was the Italian Bob a Job.

#LunchPun #badjokethursday Went to a comedy festival where the main act was a chap who dressed as the Patron Saint of England, supported by a troupe of men who dressed as women. The warm up acts weren’t doing well and I heard the manager shouting “get St George and the drag on”.

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit When I was a young police officer I caught a man who had been trapping and killing animals for their fur. He said that he needed to confess to someone religious and kept saying “forgive me for I have skinned”.

#LunchPun #mondaymirth Scientists invented an AI automaton that can keep between 4 or 5 balls in the air at the same time in perpetual motion. It’s tricky for the organisers as everyone across the country wants to see it, so it’s a constant juggling act.

#LunchPun #sidesplittingsunday I work for a company that makes “happy” sanitising finger and palm products. We’ve just released our new one and people are rubbing their hands with Glee.

#LunchPun #sillysaturday Last night, I was unsure if I should have a Thai meal fried in oil or a heavily spiced Indian dish. I didn’t know if I was Cumin or Goreng.

#LunchPun #badjokefriday My friend and his wife had to get pregnant using IVF. His wife wanted a boy who could become a sailor so they used a nice Navy donor and were impressed by the Able Siemen.

#LunchPun #badjokethursday There were problems at the nuclear reactor near me last week. One brave soul ran in and rescued a couple of workers, at great risk to himself. People still talk about him in glowing terms.

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit I was reminiscing with old police colleagues and remembered when I got called to a job where a man had a cucumber stuck well and truly inside his back passage. It wasn’t my funniest story, but it was right up there.

#LunchPun The latest diet fad is to sprinkle iron filings from aircraft onto your breakfast serial. Some people like it: I think it’s a bit plane.

#LunchPun #mondaymirth Apple has invented replacement testicles with built in WiFi to enhance your phone’s performance and visibility. Sales of Iballs are booming.

#LunchPun #sidesplittingsunday I’ve got a friend whose stage act is to totally cover himself in ice shavings and sing out of his belly button. He is billed as the Abdominal Showman.

#LunchPun #sillysaturday When the Artemis II crew landed on the rescue ship, they were presented by the Captain with a miniature wooden English country style model and the words “That’s one small step”.

#LunchPun my Irish friend, Michael has set up a new text system for phones and it keeps delivering conflicting chats to the wrong people, which creates a misunderstanding. I’m getting Mick’s messages.

#LunchPun #badjokethursday I once attended the alley at the back of some houses and found a dead tramp surrounded by used, ripped-open tea bags.There were also traces of the stuff in his mouth and I concluded that he had died of a dregs overdose.

#LunchPun Went to a new fusion Italian restaurant where they make you model cars out of pasta. Mine turned up and it was covered in sunken, hollow depressions. When I complained because the meal was chewy and unattractive, I was told I had ordered “all denty”.

#LunchPun I was at the cinema and noticed that the new AI ‘talking exit’ sign kept turning itself on and off and shouting abuse. I mentioned it to the chap on duty and he said “it’s out of order and on the way out”.

#LunchPun I went to a nudist only furniture store earlier and, having taken my clothes off, noticed a lovely shiny sofa. There appeared to be a bit of a wet mark so I said “Satin?”. The assistant said “No, it’s leather and only just been put on display”