#LunchPun I was having some diarrhoea issues so I phoned 111 and got speaking to one of those life-like computer interfaces about my problems. The shat-bott was very helpful and easy to use.

#LunchPun The phone in my hotel room rang really early this morning. “Hello, could you please pour the packet of protein powder at the side of your bed into the mug and put it on the small set of electronic kitchen scales” Me -“What is this all about?” “It’s your whey-cup call”

#LunchPun Went to a talent night in a pub yesterday. One of the acts was an ex-Russian soldier who was trying to impersonate a great British comedian who used to deliberately muck up his magic act. That said, Commie Trooper wasn’t very good.

#LunchPun for her birthday, my niece has decided that she wants a stylish SLR camera that shoots nice pictures in low-light conditions. That said, she doesn’t want anything too flashy.

#LunchPun As a young police officer I once arrested a string player from the London Philharmonic Orchestra for drink driving. Harpist? She was totally off her head.

#LunchPun got tickets to see and review a singer performing songs from her new album at the place where her designer suits are made. The men who made the clothes didn’t smell very nice, and it was overpowering, so all I could write was ‘Tailors’ Whiffed’.

#LunchPun At the local cricket cup final last weekend, our opening batsmen were clearly suffering from some sort of mallardy. Are you sure? Yep, they were both out for ducks.

#LunchPun Went to the ‘Decimal Fraction Society’ meeting last night. It can get a bit rough and tough when they argue about mathematics, with no quarter asked or given.

#LunchPun I once arrested a butcher for making sub -standard sausages. He said he was gutted as he had put his heart and arsehole into his life’s work.

#LunchPun Our local circus used to have a funny man who ran around in his orange wig and big shoes, and absolutely loved it if the crowd all spat at him. Seriously? Yep, as they say, every clown has a saliva leaning.

#LunchPun My mate refurbishes old male dentures for re-use and it’s a pretty difficult career to get into. Dead man’s chews? It helps to know the right people.

#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters Yesterday I met the man whose great grandad invented the urinal. People initially thought it was a daft idea, but he stood by his creation.

#LunchPun As a struggling actor I was once offered the part of a vampire’s victim. I turned it down as I didn’t want to do a bit part.

I run a pet food company and we employ people to cut dead leverets in half. I noticed that one man was a bit sloppy and told him off for his poor technique.He said that if I could do better, I should take over. I really didn’t want to split Hares.

#LunchPun #badjokethursday We've been looking for someone to play the leading role of the Time Lord in his Tardis but British actors were too expensive. In the end we negotiated with a much cheaper Spaniard and got Who for the price of Juan.

#LunchPun Last night I went to my first meeting of ‘Entrail Club’ where people strip off and smother themselves in animal guts and offal. I couldn’t do it and ran off. To be honest, I didn’t cover myself in gory.

#LunchPun I’ve written a really exciting new book about how to choose the best biscuits for cheese. People who’ve read it are saying It’s a cracker.

#LunchPun I used to work as a marriage guidance counsellor and once dealt with a wife and her forensic pathologist husband. When I asked what the problem was, she said that he kept bringing his work home with him.

#LunchPun #sidesplittingsunday Read a really interesting article about substandard clothing and the very cheap dye used to colour it, by Fay Dingfast.

#LunchPun #sillysaturday My local theatre group wants to put on a production of the Karma Sutra. I have been asked to write a report for sponsorship explaining what we intend to do; a sort of position paper.

#LunchPun #badjokefriday I’m going to watch the World Incontinence Championships later. There are a lot of bets on the eventual winner, but I reckon the Dutch guy has the best chance so I’ve got a Tena on him.

#LunchPun #badjokethursday I went to the M16 sports day last Sunday where people were queuing up for the competition to leap over the bloke who provides all the interesting gadgets. Some impatient people were pushing in, so I had to have a word with a few Q jumpers.

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit I’ve been invited to an afternoon tea reception at Windsor Castle for the US President’s visit. I’m expecting sponge fingers, jammy dodgers, alcohol soaked fruit cake and to meet more of Trump’s team as well.

#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters Yesterday I saw a baby leveret being chastised by its mother as it was acting like a spoilt brat. It got annoyed about the rough hay that lined the burrow and was acting like a hare with a straw bed.

#LunchPun #mondaymirth Up in London yesterday and took my buddies for a meal before catching the underground. Our food was clearly undercooked and we all got taken ill before getting to our stop. Turnham Green? Yeah, we had to walk the rest of the way.

#LunchPun #badjokethursday I went to a lovely Scottish restaurant last night that specialises in cooking different types of Jelly Fish and tentacles, caught in a famous river. Their Tay ‘Sting Menu’ was stunning.

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit I got a job making wedding dresses, but the commute and underground ride into London was a nightmare. Maida Vale? I did, but I was also good at the sleeves and bodice.

#lunchpun #tuesdaytitters My mate is from Yorkshire and used to be a police radio operator. He retired early to run a market stall selling nothing but eggs in York City Centre and called his little company ‘Ova and Nowt’.

#LunchPun #mondaymirth Don Quick-Quote is my favourite book about an aging, Spanish cheap car insurance salesman.

#LunchPun #sillysaturday I’ve just read a fascinating book about the UK’s constitutional legal framework by Laura Theeland.

#LunchPun #badjokefriday I went for some ground breaking cosmetic work on the bottom of my face, where they use deep frozen secretions from the glands of rodents that live at high levels. Chin chillers? No, some sort of mouse.

#LunchPun as a police officer i got called to two men arguing in a pub, having a competition to see whose vomit would go highest up the wall. I arrested them for having a barf height.

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit Tom Jones once wrote a song about the loss of his relaxing flotation device on a major Scottish river. It’s not unusual? No, Dee Lilo.

#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters I was part of a 3-man stunt-double team for a famous actor and we all came from a big north-west city. One day, the other two got injured so I had to play the actor doing something dangerous as I was the last Manc stand in.

#LunchPun #mondaymirth I’ve invented an eco-tank for the Army that runs on recycled bio-fuel and the tracks are made of dried cow tongues that have been strengthened and glued together to wrap around the wheels. It goes at quite a lick.

#LunchPun #sillysaturday There's a temporary new place opening up in our town centre market place. It sells only haemorrhoid cream and suppositories. I think it's one of those pop up shops.

#LunchPun #badjokefriday I run a shipping company using the Suez which is at risk from Somali’s in boats. I hired a very efficient protection company who boarded the boats, arrested and then tied up the bad people on board. I have given the team a 5 star review on trussed pirate.

#LunchPun #badjokethursday Seeing a concert for piano tonight about a man in love who keeps barging clumsily into sea birds. Knock Tern? No, a bit more lively than that..

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit I went to a French restaurant in London, owned by a World famous Canadian female singer. Their chef mixes French mustard with extra salty sea water to improve the taste. Saline Dijon. No, it’s got some fancy gastronomic sounding name.

#LunchPun #mondaymirth I remember being in the military and we were tasked with taking out an enemy hiding place. One of my soldiers kept saying to me “you are a lovely looking man and look great in uniform” Mission creep? We achieved our objectives but he didn’t help things.

#LunchPun #sillysaturday I am a self taught artist and thought I would start taking painting lessons having shown the person who would be teaching us my portfolio. Our first task was to do a self portrait and mine was really bad. The instructor did say it was very unlike me.

#LunchPun #badjokefriday my mate has been sent to prison for selling expensive, fake filter coffee and we don’t have the grounds for an appeal.

#LunchPun #badjokethursday I’ve been listening to ‘The Smiths’ song about the woman I am going out with and her health and eyesight problems. Girlfriend with Glaucoma? No, Heaven knows I’m miserable now!

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit Took a flight to Iceland yesterday and at customs they took my British made hoover off me and smashed it. Wreck your Vax? No, I flew into Akureyri in the North.

#lunchpun #tuesdaytitters I run a radio station which only has phone-ins for people in hot countries, to help them maintain and repair their ceiling fans. We get a lot of ‘thank you’ letters at the BBC Whirled Service.

#LunchPun #sillysaturday I bought a new patio table in the garden centre ‘end of season’ sales yesterday. It’s not much of a story, but I shall be dining out on it for weeks to come.

#LunchPun #badjokefriday Following a few policy and voting issues for Sir Kier Starmer, it was revealed in a government report that the Prime Minister is doing the work of two men, Del Boy and Rodney.

Got a new car being delivered this morning and got this transcribed phone message on my iPhone. I do like modern tech but WTF?

#LunchPun #badjokethursday Just bought some chocolate from a company where the American female owner insisted on naming the company after her pronouns. The her/she bars are delicious.

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit I manage a large team of underwater weightlifting champions. The secret of our continued success is strength in depth.