"This next song is about the time a guy drank the last of my booze, gave me some useless poker tips, then rolled over and fucking died." - Kenny Rogers

For you see Odysseus was wise, and had his men plug their ears so that they would not hear the sirens. And that, Officer, is why I hit that ambulance.

ME: What's a coconut. THEM: It's a hairy ball. ME: .... THEM: Filled with nut meat. ME: Be for real now.

My wife fell down the tradwife rabbit hole and now she wants to stay at home eating woodchips. Yet another example of internalised mahogany.

Crushed to log on to the internet to discover that I am, in fact, alive.

Getting back into my meme game

I got ChatGPT mixed up with Chaturbate but I don't plan on changing. These ladies are very informed.

My New Years resolution is to hunt down and kill everyone with the same New Years resolution as me.

In DnD terms Hozier is what you get when the guy who always plays necromancers tries out a bard for a change.

I'm no fashionista but I'm pretty sure any outfit can be improved by adding a belt. Which means that outfit can be further improved by adding a belt and so on and so forth until you reach perfection.

Garlic aioli confuses me because isn't garlic already a key ingredient of aioli? Did we somehow turn aioli into mayonnaise?

"I've been around the block a few times." ~ Man who couldn't find a park

Just discovered I've been opening pomegranates wrong and that's completely fucked up my day.

If by hung like a horse you mean spooked by fireworks then yes I am.

I'm a feminist, which is why I refuse to let male mosquitos off the hook.

I love discovering the origins of everyday items so you can imagine how let down I was when I did a deep dive on chopping boards.

People say you shouldn't ask a wishing well for sex but I say in for a penny in for a pound.

Well obviously there was a data breach. They're not called 'Manage My Health Data' for a reason.

The real virtue signalling is eating rum and raisin ice cream

Drinking every type of fake sugar so they can battle it out for the glory of taking me down.

Play me one of your horny dead songs Hozier

Oedipus was the first ever victim of 'Hot MILFs in your area'

My kid calls pillow cases 'pillow sheets' and she's not wrong.

Fellow ADHDers with sleep problems, have you tried drinking ungodly amounts of caffeine throughout the day so you can pass out to the soothing sounds of a gentle voiced American narrating his game of Rimworld. It's an absolute game changer.

It's sort of fitting that most of the guys who take part in Movember end up looking like the host of a Mens Mental Health podcast.

When I'm in a helmet kicking competition but I'm up against Aragorn son of Arathorn, also called Elessar, the Elfstone, Dúnadan, the heir of Isildur Elendil's son of Gondor.

Every time a bell rings an angel gets horny

It naturally tracks therefore that vampires only come in you if you invite them.

Actually it IS very romantic to, when you get a 'MILFS IN YOUR AREA' ad, show it to your wife and say "Look, they found you".

Local election results. Surprisingly the guy with the slogan 'I genuinely care' didn't make it in.

Still think about this interaction at work. MANAGER: This project is going really well, you're really the biggest liability. ME: Yeah I'm a mess. MANAGER: No no no! I mean you're the only one who knows how it all works!

Nah but also the fastest evolving cells of all humanity so suck it.

The penguins in our area have more chicks than anywhere else hut when I call them 'Little Tuxedo Sluts' the normies get mad.

It's-a me, Overall!

I don't trust anyone who doesn't have an inner monologue. What the fuck do you mean you go through life without an oversight committee.

Jerk off bros have cumradery

What movie quote would you have on your headstone? Mine is: 'That'll do pig. That'll do.'

A lot of aphrodisiac foods taste terrible which makes sense because you'll do anything to get the taste out of your mouth.

Thought I was getting raptured but it turns out God just wanted my hat.

"Oh my god, I've become my mother." ~Oedipus having a wank

Pebbling but make it slutty

So the kororā in our region have more chicks than anywhere else but these stuffed shirts won't let me run a Promiscuous Penguins campaign.

Forest and Bird hate me because I keep nominating my wife for bird of the year. Also my wife hates me.

Trump might not see your disappointed skeets about his return from death but Jesus can.

I've escapism'd my way into watching anime and I appreciate how the defining feature of most protagonists is their raw determination and desire for friendship, enabled by their even rawer ADHD.

Management: We've got a motivational speaker! Yes he's a sport guy. Yes the sport was a single endurance event. Yes the only adversity he's faced is what he put in front of himself. Yes he wrote a book about it. No we can't think of any other way to motivate you. Have fun!

Me, stuck in quicksand and remembering what my survival books told me: "I'll make myself look bigger and scare it off." Quicksand: "OH FUCK WHERE DID YOU COME FROM"

How about a vampire who teaches improv in order to condition his students to 'Yes and' his requests for entry into their home.

Outlook Meeting Request: Quick catch up over coffee [Threat]

How about a vampire who teaches improv in order to condition his students to 'Yes and' his requests for entry into their home.