"Oh my god, I've become my mother." ~Oedipus having a wank

Pebbling but make it slutty

So the kororā in our region have more chicks than anywhere else but these stuffed shirts won't let me run a Promiscuous Penguins campaign.

Forest and Bird hate me because I keep nominating my wife for bird of the year. Also my wife hates me.

Trump might not see your disappointed skeets about his return from death but Jesus can.

I've escapism'd my way into watching anime and I appreciate how the defining feature of most protagonists is their raw determination and desire for friendship, enabled by their even rawer ADHD.

Management: We've got a motivational speaker! Yes he's a sport guy. Yes the sport was a single endurance event. Yes the only adversity he's faced is what he put in front of himself. Yes he wrote a book about it. No we can't think of any other way to motivate you. Have fun!

Me, stuck in quicksand and remembering what my survival books told me: "I'll make myself look bigger and scare it off." Quicksand: "OH FUCK WHERE DID YOU COME FROM"

How about a vampire who teaches improv in order to condition his students to 'Yes and' his requests for entry into their home.

Outlook Meeting Request: Quick catch up over coffee [Threat]

How about a vampire who teaches improv in order to condition his students to 'Yes and' his requests for entry into their home.

Fathers Day is coming up, and don't forget that men don't want wallets, we don't want tools. We want girders. Solid steel girders. Girders for Daddy.

I have to spend more time on LinkedIn now and there's a platform in desperate need of Imposter Syndrome.

It's called WD40 because you What's Dat and turn 40 degrees in the opposite direction

My colleague turned up to work with a limp but they can't fool me. I know they're leading me away from their eggs.

Therapist: Let's talk about your anxieties. Me: Leave them alone. Those are load-bearing anxieties.

*Tipping my hat* "B'sexual"

Hey, you want some lashings of ginger beer you slutty little freak?

In all earnestness, I'm not into gatekeeping music but I won't consider you an afficionado of you don't appreciate rich complexities of the Thong Song

I don't know how we can keep calling it 'Schubert's Unfinished Sonata' when it was completed in 1999 by Sisqó's Thong Song.

You heard me, no one cums until this orgy passes the Bechdel Test.

MR BEAST: I've got an Italian nobleman walled up within the catacombs beneath this city. If he can last the full 50 years he gets to keep a full cask of Amontillado.

In Aotearoa the farther you get from a major centre the more likely you are to have a mullet as a major chunk of your personality, to the point where my town has a guy called 'Mullet Muzz' running for mayor.

The millennial rejection of nepo-babies can be directly traced back to Gary Oak from Pokemon.

I think there's a gap in the market for pin-makers to create stylish new butt plug bases. How fun would it be to look down at your partner and be greeted by an image of Shrek above bold words 'Get Shrekd' peeking from their cheeks.

Just going to say as someone working adjacent to oil and gas in Taranaki, no one here thinks repealing the oil and gas exploration ban is going to magically make oil and gas appear. The companies are pretty much laughing at the gov.

My conspiracy theory is that the American Psychological Association keeps fucking with academic format standards to drive up demand for therapy.

Getting a lot of DM's after I added the 'Down to Clown' badge on my LinkedIn

People ask me why I wear my @pepperraccoon.com eel pin, and it's because I have a lot in common with eels, primarily the fact that no one knows where I go to have sex.

I know you're not supposed to diagnose people with neurodivergence but I'm so good at it. I'm like a fucking sniper. Co-workers, friends, people sitting next to me on the plane, Taskmaster contestants, I'm making headcase headshots.

Please, I want to be able to tell just ONE person about my Baldurs Gate 3 playthrough without being asked if I 'Fucked the Bear'.

I'm ADHD, and my wife is autistic. It's a much more common pairing than people realise, like Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton, or Hamish and Andy.

Don't fuck the messenger, but a lot of people are saying that Chicago is actually irrelevant to the musical 'Chicago'. Call it something else like 'Jazz Hands' or 'Girl Power'.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar Tries Edibles

I think if you launch fireworks outside of the specific celebrations you should have to eat the whole box.

I have a compromise. We can halve the amount of space required for golf courses by having each tee also be a hole with the players hitting towards each other.

One person's trash is another person's lover

Y'all are going to be devastated the day the 'prominent New Zealander' who committed heinous crimes turns out to be Thingie.

Gonna make some Halloumi, the cheese that screams

I want you to know that if, on my birthday, you write 'HBD', I will translate it to 'Happy Big Dick'.

Non-binary pronouns in the Star Wars universe go hard.

Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, shame on me Fool me thrice, is this a kink? Fool me four times, oh yeah fool me daddy

I got a theology degree just that I could accurately powerscale the Bible for use on battleboards.

I don't judge a person by how they treat their equals. I judge them by how they treat jumping spiders.

I just realised that all shark attack statistics include people who died trying to kiss a Great White. And that's not an insignificant number.

JESUS: Do you let me into your heart? ME: Yes VAMPIRE JESUS: You fool.

It actually makes me angry when I see co-workers just saving their files to Desktop instead of into the appropriate porn folder.

In the office whenever someone asks how I'm doing I'll often reply, "Living La Vida Loca" but am always quick to translate to 'Living the Crazy Life'.

'No gifts' is a description rather than a request on my kids birthday invitation.

Kinda crazy to think that before eyelashes evolved people used to just apply mascara directly to the eyeball.