I like describing my current YouTube interest in misleading but still accurate ways to see if anyone can guess. For example, right now I'm enjoying watching three twinks play hide and seek across Europe.

This makes me hopeful that Zuckerberg might give AI the instruction 'Delete the uggos' and accidentally obliterate Facebook

When a male coworker talks about a recent success I like to compliment them by saying "Wow, beauty AND brains"

"Maybe she's born with it" Maybe it's none of your fucking business Greg.

Chalamet tell me a story

John Rigatoni Ravioli Tolkein

If I could go back in time I'd convince JRR Tolkien to let me insert the phrase 'Slutty little' somewhere in Lord of the Rings.

I just found out my daughter puts her friends on hold by putting her phone down next to her laptop and playing music videos.

Guillermo Del Toro knew women would choose the bear decades before it hit popular discourse.

But what about the nuggets currently floating in the Wellington Harbour?

Loving this latest season of Bridgertown.

YouTube ads think I'm a gym fanatic but in reality I'm hooked on the high caffeine powdered drinks they sell on clearance. For 20 bucks you too can stare calmly into the face of reality itself.

Just think, there was probably a guy we could have killed two hundred years ago and ended up with a world where we're all moderately wealthy and generally horny.

"This next song is about the time a guy drank the last of my booze, gave me some useless poker tips, then rolled over and fucking died." - Kenny Rogers

For you see Odysseus was wise, and had his men plug their ears so that they would not hear the sirens. And that, Officer, is why I hit that ambulance.

ME: What's a coconut. THEM: It's a hairy ball. ME: .... THEM: Filled with nut meat. ME: Be for real now.

My wife fell down the tradwife rabbit hole and now she wants to stay at home eating woodchips. Yet another example of internalised mahogany.

Crushed to log on to the internet to discover that I am, in fact, alive.

Getting back into my meme game

I got ChatGPT mixed up with Chaturbate but I don't plan on changing. These ladies are very informed.

My New Years resolution is to hunt down and kill everyone with the same New Years resolution as me.

In DnD terms Hozier is what you get when the guy who always plays necromancers tries out a bard for a change.

I'm no fashionista but I'm pretty sure any outfit can be improved by adding a belt. Which means that outfit can be further improved by adding a belt and so on and so forth until you reach perfection.

Garlic aioli confuses me because isn't garlic already a key ingredient of aioli? Did we somehow turn aioli into mayonnaise?

"I've been around the block a few times." ~ Man who couldn't find a park

Just discovered I've been opening pomegranates wrong and that's completely fucked up my day.

If by hung like a horse you mean spooked by fireworks then yes I am.

I'm a feminist, which is why I refuse to let male mosquitos off the hook.

I love discovering the origins of everyday items so you can imagine how let down I was when I did a deep dive on chopping boards.

People say you shouldn't ask a wishing well for sex but I say in for a penny in for a pound.

Well obviously there was a data breach. They're not called 'Manage My Health Data' for a reason.

The real virtue signalling is eating rum and raisin ice cream

Drinking every type of fake sugar so they can battle it out for the glory of taking me down.

Play me one of your horny dead songs Hozier

Oedipus was the first ever victim of 'Hot MILFs in your area'

My kid calls pillow cases 'pillow sheets' and she's not wrong.

Fellow ADHDers with sleep problems, have you tried drinking ungodly amounts of caffeine throughout the day so you can pass out to the soothing sounds of a gentle voiced American narrating his game of Rimworld. It's an absolute game changer.

It's sort of fitting that most of the guys who take part in Movember end up looking like the host of a Mens Mental Health podcast.

When I'm in a helmet kicking competition but I'm up against Aragorn son of Arathorn, also called Elessar, the Elfstone, Dúnadan, the heir of Isildur Elendil's son of Gondor.

Every time a bell rings an angel gets horny

It naturally tracks therefore that vampires only come in you if you invite them.

Actually it IS very romantic to, when you get a 'MILFS IN YOUR AREA' ad, show it to your wife and say "Look, they found you".

Local election results. Surprisingly the guy with the slogan 'I genuinely care' didn't make it in.

Still think about this interaction at work. MANAGER: This project is going really well, you're really the biggest liability. ME: Yeah I'm a mess. MANAGER: No no no! I mean you're the only one who knows how it all works!

Nah but also the fastest evolving cells of all humanity so suck it.

The penguins in our area have more chicks than anywhere else hut when I call them 'Little Tuxedo Sluts' the normies get mad.

It's-a me, Overall!

I don't trust anyone who doesn't have an inner monologue. What the fuck do you mean you go through life without an oversight committee.

Jerk off bros have cumradery

What movie quote would you have on your headstone? Mine is: 'That'll do pig. That'll do.'