Xena is popping up on my feeds for some reason and I'm reminded of how I when I visited my gay aunty she had a PlayStation and the only game she had was Xena.

My kid has got around not having a Spotify by recording songs to her notes app. The ancient knowledge lives on.

In aviaries there have been occasions where small birds have pecked larger birds to death by sitting on the back of their head and I wonder if that freaks the fuck out of Big Bird.

I wonder which angel talked God out of making it so if you block someone's nostrils just as they sneeze it blows the back of their skull out.

To improve my mental health I stopped reading the works of Frank Herbert on a single rolled piece of parchment. I really recommend giving up Dunescrolling.

Pitching an idea for a speed camera that shines a laser in your eyes if you drive too fast.

I remember when craft breweries called their beers fun names like Hoptimus Prime or Pils n Thrils but then they all died in that fire.

It's hard to say why there's a universal love of sitting by an open fire but my theory is that we all hate trees.

A business posted on our community page saying "Dads, have you left Mothers Day to the last minute? We've got something for ya." They sell cleaning products. Good luck fellas.

"The tide is high." No the tide is sea level you idiot. You buffoon.

Tina Fey, Timothée Chalamet, Kylie Jenner

At this bar someone else has your drink.

There's something very cool about Sam Neill, the face of one of the most iconic uses of gene technology in film, being successfully treated for cancer by gene technologies.

Kiwi pollsters are doing Christal Math.

What if they set up webcameras on either end of the Strait of Hormuz and viewers could open up the doors like those fish in the Netherlands.

I know I'm an involved parent because my kids teacher still remembers how excited I get about umbrella moss. Which fucking owns.

I bet that old high school friend you have who keeps going on about turning plastic into diesel is insufferable right about now.

No matter where you sit on the guy who burnt down that paper warehouse, I think we can all agree that the burnt out husk looks incredibly satisfying.

Affectionately, no matter how old they are, guys who like to talk about whiskey are 50 years old.

Why is it called '69' and not 'Whoroborus'

It's April 2nd, the Strait of Hormuz is opening for tankers. From out of the mists charges the Ever Given, prepared to do the funniest thing in maritime history.

I like describing my current YouTube interest in misleading but still accurate ways to see if anyone can guess. For example, right now I'm enjoying watching three twinks play hide and seek across Europe.

This makes me hopeful that Zuckerberg might give AI the instruction 'Delete the uggos' and accidentally obliterate Facebook

When a male coworker talks about a recent success I like to compliment them by saying "Wow, beauty AND brains"

"Maybe she's born with it" Maybe it's none of your fucking business Greg.

Chalamet tell me a story

John Rigatoni Ravioli Tolkein

If I could go back in time I'd convince JRR Tolkien to let me insert the phrase 'Slutty little' somewhere in Lord of the Rings.

I just found out my daughter puts her friends on hold by putting her phone down next to her laptop and playing music videos.

Guillermo Del Toro knew women would choose the bear decades before it hit popular discourse.

But what about the nuggets currently floating in the Wellington Harbour?

Loving this latest season of Bridgertown.

YouTube ads think I'm a gym fanatic but in reality I'm hooked on the high caffeine powdered drinks they sell on clearance. For 20 bucks you too can stare calmly into the face of reality itself.

Just think, there was probably a guy we could have killed two hundred years ago and ended up with a world where we're all moderately wealthy and generally horny.

"This next song is about the time a guy drank the last of my booze, gave me some useless poker tips, then rolled over and fucking died." - Kenny Rogers

For you see Odysseus was wise, and had his men plug their ears so that they would not hear the sirens. And that, Officer, is why I hit that ambulance.

ME: What's a coconut. THEM: It's a hairy ball. ME: .... THEM: Filled with nut meat. ME: Be for real now.

My wife fell down the tradwife rabbit hole and now she wants to stay at home eating woodchips. Yet another example of internalised mahogany.

Crushed to log on to the internet to discover that I am, in fact, alive.

Getting back into my meme game

I got ChatGPT mixed up with Chaturbate but I don't plan on changing. These ladies are very informed.

My New Years resolution is to hunt down and kill everyone with the same New Years resolution as me.

In DnD terms Hozier is what you get when the guy who always plays necromancers tries out a bard for a change.

I'm no fashionista but I'm pretty sure any outfit can be improved by adding a belt. Which means that outfit can be further improved by adding a belt and so on and so forth until you reach perfection.

Garlic aioli confuses me because isn't garlic already a key ingredient of aioli? Did we somehow turn aioli into mayonnaise?

"I've been around the block a few times." ~ Man who couldn't find a park

Just discovered I've been opening pomegranates wrong and that's completely fucked up my day.

If by hung like a horse you mean spooked by fireworks then yes I am.

I'm a feminist, which is why I refuse to let male mosquitos off the hook.

I love discovering the origins of everyday items so you can imagine how let down I was when I did a deep dive on chopping boards.