Going to spend this weekend driving round Yorkshire grassing on people using hosepipes.

Absolutely buzzing to lose 2-0 away at Leeds first game of the season

Another offside decision for the knicker-sniffers to enjoy. Still - save it for Wednesday, Harry.

Think I’ve been blinded in my right eye by a nerf gun bullet but no way am I going to hospital. Feels like my way of honouring VE Day.

Breath of fresh air this season, Villa 😬

Ah bugger…..

Barcelona v PSG final for me. Because it would win me a lot of money.

I’m not sure I want to see Eriksen in a Manchester United shirt ever again.

I’m old enough to remember city fans singing about Munich. It was 6 hours ago.

Penalty first minute, don’t care what anyone says. Moral victory to us.

Presume we’ve got a buy-back on Elanga yeah?

How long before Barton and Fox are co-hosting on GB News?

12 degrees and sunny tomorrow. Time to get my tan back.

Rashford is scoring tonight so get over it now.

Reckon I might get a game tomorrow.

Imagine if VAR had disallowed that. I think the ref might have been lynched. Fuck it off.

Honestly starting to think they’re doing this deliberately now. There can’t be this little movement otherwise.

Are we still all keeping Garnacho?

People getting worked up about how good Garnacho was and how we can’t sell him. That was against a Championship side at best tonight. Sorry but if it means we can bring in a top striker in the summer (or now) then I’d still do it.

How the fuck is that offside? Seriously.

What time does Antiques Roadshow start?

I think there’s a chance Hojlund and Zirkzee could work together. Admittedly it’s a remote chance but…..

Not seen a ref as bad as this since last week

If pedestrian crossings are going to play silly buggers and start turning red when nobody is there, just because the buttons are frozen, then I’m just going to start ploughing through them regardless. Respect goes both ways.

Newcastle v Spurs in the Milk Cup Final would be excellent viewing. (as long as Spurs win)

Merry Christmas to everyone on this app. This time next year, Rodney…….

Gary Neville just said Spurs deserved that. He really did.

The United players royally giving it to the city fans yesterday really has warmed the cockles of my heart.

Into these Christmas jumper-wearing freaks, United.

Was Onana in a secret relationship with Kath? It’s the only explanation for this performance……

Everyone still enjoying themselves over here? Just keeping my hand in before I make the leap full time……

Wallace and Grabit more like (Needs work)

Looks like it might be time to start watching city

I mean, I hope nobody dies but if Stockley Park burns to the ground I’d dance a jig.

I met the most tattooed mum in Britain last night. Yet another claim to fame.

Has anyone been banned on here yet? How about if I say that I hope today’s the day that Clarkson goes down clutching his chest…..

Slightly depressing how many emails I’ve had today about Safer Gambling Week - 8 at the latest count 😬

If everyone leaves Twitter before I get to the magical 5,500 followers mark I’m going to be fucking livid.

Might actually take up refereeing now that there’s a vacancy.

Right, I’m not going to make any terrible mistakes that might cost me my job on here. No way.