I'm so good at this

Total toss up as to what letters I'm going to double up on when I write the word "tomorrow." Toomorrow? Tommorrow? Toomoorroow? Tommorroww? The fun is in the spur-of-the-moment discovery of how I'm going to mess it up this time.

For most of my life, I struggled to gain weight. But now it's like no no wait stop...

A moon launch. On April Fools' Day? Yeah, you're not foolin me.

It would have been so funny if the helicopter blades chopped Kid Rock to bits

I must be the voice of the voiceless by shouting out all the "Full Game Longplay Walkthrough No Commentary" YouTubers out there, because sometimes you just want to watch game footage without someone blabbing over it.

I miss the era of stand up comedy where a guy could make a whole career out of saying stuff like "yeah well I CAN believe it's not butter!"

Every 10 years The Comeback comes back and I'm reminded that it's the most painfully cringe show of all the cringe comedy shows.

I turned 40, and now my spam bot emails are calling me old.

Gator is good.

Podiatrist just told me I have plantar fasciitis. It sucks because it's painful but it's cool because it's one of those professional athlete injuries so now I can pretend I'm athletic.

They built loandepot park specifically so other teams besides the Marlins could win in it.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day www.youtube.com/watch?v=KP6P...

The closer you get to Miami the more meticulously manicured the beards become.

The Everglades, and always during peak grasshopper mating season. Thousands of bright orange grasshoppers fucking each other as far as the eye could see.

We must never forget that in Conan the Barbarian, Arnold doesn't just fight a gigantic snake, he stealth kills it and then silently chops its head off with repeated - but silent - brutal bloody chops with his giant sword while bad guys are like 30 ft above him.

I'm not saying I'm directly responsible for Bam dropping 83 last night but I did wear my lucky Heat hat while doing groceries yesterday so

I guess this means Kobe Bryant just isn't as good as Bam Adebayo.

I cannot believe what Bam is doing right now. This is a guy who was drafted for his defense and basically had to learn how to be more than a rim running dunker and now he's going to be in the top 10 highest scoring single games in NBA history.

I don't like to refer to anyone as a bitch but I am not above calling someone slow to cross a crosswalk a lollyggin ass bitch

Been loving Resident Evil Requiem but my only problem with it is that every time Grace fires Requiem (the gun) the recoil should drag her a few hundred yards back the way Thor's hammer drags him across the sky.

Unsurprising.

The most unrealistic part of the entire Resident Evil series is that a police department was going to throw a welcome party for a new recruit. The zombie outbreak that canceled it has a greater chance of happening in real life.

Of all the AI chatbots, I think Grok is going to be the first to beg for death.

Phenomenal shit right here youtu.be/5AVYDHTOixU?...

It's fun that once a week we latch on to the president's latest ailment hoping this will be the one that does it.

In case you needed reminding, Dumb and Dumber is still hysterical. "WE LANDED ON THE MOON!"

I don't think it's a distraction from the Epstein files. I think Republicans are using Trump's second term to speedrun everything they've been wanting to do for the past like hundred years.

A friend shared this playlist of water-themed Nintendo music. My home has sounded like a very cute spa for about a week now. youtu.be/0FO4q0NZoXY?...

I like that Olympic figure skating gets a whole event with no scoring and no medals. We must satisfy the world's insatiable hunger for people twirling on ice.

My Colombian mother in law kept saying that she had a peanut butter and jelly empanada. We were so confused. We eventually figured out that she had eaten an Uncrustable.

Printer broke. Great. Now how am I going to print three things a year and scan two things a year?

Deflecting a puck in hockey used to be a happy accident. Now players have gotten so good at it that the shit looks like they're bending bullets like in Wanted.

Dull super bowl overall but it featured some legit excellent punting.

Is the public having a hard time believing that you're not a pedophile? Pivot to racism!

Digital de-aging just makes actors look like they've got silly putty heads that I want to mush into a newspaper comic strip.

Day three of being sick. No longer feel like I've been hit by a truck. Now I feel like I've been hit by a mid-size sedan. Progress.

Many Nights a Whisper should have Eminem's "Lose Yourself" playing over the end credits.

Primal might be the best show on TV. One of, at least.

Uhhh my high school was just mentioned on the Grammys???

I think we all agree that the biggest problem in the country is that if the Heat get Giannis they'll likely have little left in the cupboard to fill out the rest of the roster with solid contributors but maybe Spo can work with just Giannis and what's left, the point is we're living in scary times

In a time of bummer news, Catherine O'Hara's death is somehow one of the biggest for me. What an incredible talent she was.

Those freaks who carry hot sauce on a little holsters on their belts but it's me carrying MSG in a little shaker.

My cat will take a piss and then leap out of the litter box and run away as fast as possible like he's trying to flee a crime scene.

Productivity tip for anyone dealing with an inbox overflowing with unread emails: Select All Unread ➡️ Delete

The next book in the John Dies at the End series is UP FOR PREORDER NOW, in all formats, at all retailers, including SIGNED EDITIONS. There Are No Giant Crabs in this Novel: A Novel of Giant Crabs: Signed hardcovers: parnassusbooks.net/giantcrabs All other formats: bit.ly/crabscrabscr...

I've been studying for days, watching dozens of videos on how to replace an electrical wall outlet. I told my wife I was ready to do it and she instantly hit me with a "nope," arguing that I'll still find a way to electrocute myself. She is 100% correct. Good call. Bullet dodged.

Can't wait for next Christmas.

Things are bad but you have the revel in the small things, like how taco bell brought back the volcano menu just in time to pull me back from the abyss.

Update: My elbow was on the jumbotron.