gordon brown, texture like sun

shoulda called it The Ozempics, innit

the Enhanced Olympics flopped because there's already an Enhanced Olympics, it's called "The Olympics"

its hot as a fuckmother out there

Guess who just ate a whole bottle of olive oil

you know how if someone asks you if you're nervous it makes you MORE nervous? what i'm saying is maybe we'd have less anxiety attacks if we called it the central chill system

"have you got a minute to hop on a quick call" bitch have you got a minute to hop out of a quick window

glued my urethra shut so no one can take the piss out of me

sorry i yelled WE MUST NOT ALLOW A MINESHAFT GAP while we were having sex

gun to my head i'd have to say my favourite fish ever is the salmon of knowledge

i type everything in lowercase because i'm anti-capitalist

attacks end quickly, i'd describe this more like a panic war of attrition

you can fuck at my funeral

that's quite the headline futurism.com/artificial-i...

"hancockanus"

dis could be us but you playin [gif of those two fighter jets flying into each other and 4 dudes ejecting]

looking to date a girl called lisa so i can tell her she's tearing me apart

hate that I've had to stop using em dashes just so people don't think it's AI. I've had to start sneaking typos in too.

gonna open a PR agency in the sex industry and call it Pubic Relations

small scottish child: i think i should enjoy a nice stroll by the water today the malevolent kelpie:

I hate that our political systems all demand a choice between lesser evils rather than ideal candidates, but if Labour oust Starmer all they'll do is demonstrate that all of the other candidates are worse.

"god intended sex to only be within a heterosexual marriage." you honestly think the same guy who made worms that dickfight wants you fuck as boringly as possible? don't deny His Creation bro, go and do weird sex, as per His divine mandate

actually officer this is my emotional support cocaine

one of my hobbies is going on cruises and leaving pineapples outside random cabin doors

dusting off my best pot and spoon to bang for the hantavirus nurses

nice idea poorly executed

this joke makes me very happy

the best time to plant a tree was 10 years ago. The next best time was 9 years 364 days ago you treeless bitch, fuckin Jimmy No-Trees over here

In which we conclude that this professor with bad hair really needs to pee youtu.be/mORqhb3ORwU?...

This is just straight up a protection racket, that's exactly what it is www.bbc.com/news/article...

saudi a-labia, is this anything

Oh man the absolutely definitively most awful part of being back in an office after years of remote work is signing birthday cards on the sly, fuck the implicit costs of being in an office, fuck the commute, it's this birthday card shit that'll make me jump out a window

i asked chatgpt "how many Rs in strawberry" and it said "you LITERALLY just typed it out you fuckin prat" ok ouch

hydration is a myth created by Big Water

are they gonna change the name of Apple now that Tim Apple is leaving

this video of the devs of Baby Steps "reacting" to a speedrun and just completely puncturing through the insincerity of reaction vids in general is SUCH a joy youtu.be/gQx_S_iu-g8?...

this donald trump guy seems like a bit of a character huh

i know im a dumb idiot but this made me laugh an embarrassing amount

gonna call my first child Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice and insist everyone say it in full

i have a feeling melania's about to fall down the stairs all the way to the golf course, know what i mean like

haven't had sex for so long that i went to a llama sanctuary just so something would spit in my mouth

When my dad turned 60 he decided to run a kilometer every day. Fair play to the old git, he's probably somewhere near Minsk by now

cut my cake into pieces this is my lemon torte decoration, no kneading put it in the fridge and it sets without heating this is my lemon torte

one of my hobbies is calling up businesses i don't work at and telling them i quit

If being sexy was a crime I'd be in jail, for tax evasion

This is an amazing photo from the AFP (taken today in southern Beirut)

this is the wildest sign i've ever seen

ok hear me out. jurassic park prequel about john hammond's flea circus.

actually here in england we call him jesus crisps