When I die I want to be buried with all of my records. It will be my vinyl resting place.

I can say from experience that hoarding things is hall consuming.

My Boss said that I am the laziest, most useless bone idle employee he ever had and if I didn't buck up he'd fire me. I said "You woke me up just to say that?"

I tried to warn my mate about the perils of playing Russian Roulette, but it just went in one ear and out the other!

I went into Cash Converters yesterday, to try and raise some much needed cash. They gave me $8,560 and they didn't even take the gun…

I'm really prone to getting splinters,hope I don't get any today. Touch wood !

When you think about it, dental x-rays are just tooth pics.

A sign at the casino said, if you have a gambling problem call this number. So I called. They answered. I said I have a 9 and a seven and the dealer is showing a king….

Mum asked me when I was going to be famous? I told her - when they find the bodies!

Charlie Sheen is American. Michael Sheen is Welsh. But Mr Sheen is Polish!

Just before sweet potatoes are mashed they become very quiet. This is known as “the silence of the Yams."

Elton John once had a robotic rat. But he got rid of it because it ended up chewing all the furniture and clothes. So it was Goodbye Gnaw Machine.

Apparently aliens always spill their tea. Seems it’s because of the flying saucers.

My financial adviser is trying to get people to invest in musical instruments. Wurlitzer no from me!

I tripped over a box of Kleenex and thought I hurt myself. Turns out it was just tissue damage. ◦

"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

Why are they even having The Voice back on tv? I should win. John Farnham said I'm the Voice.I don't understand it. Should I make some noise?

A young horse and a chimp had a fight at the zoo, the zookeeper quickly jumped in and stopped it. A strange story I know but just goes to show that a foal and his monkey are soon parted

16 sodium atoms walk into a bar. The bartender yells “Batman”. Half of them leave. The bartender says “Hey, hey, hey. Goodbye”.

The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle. It was a vile inn.

To all the people who said I’d never amount to anything because of my procrastination…. Just you wait!!

It turns out the Magician Accreditation Exam had a lot of trick questions.

I remember going to see Dr. Hook in the 70s. Worst prostate exam ever.....

When I was in high school I studied abroad for 3 months. Eventually she filed a restraining order.

I got in trouble for sneaking a gun made of gelatin into a store. I was arrested for having a congealed weapon.

Zoo veterinarians often have to talk about the elephant in the room.

Pre means before. Post means after. To mix both prefixes together would be preposterous.

I once asked a girl for a date and she said No - because I had a face like the back of a boat. I didn't reply but I gave her a stern look.

I went to see my nephew play in an under 6’s soccer match but it got rained out! However all the players got precipitation trophies!

I bought a head of lettuce from a small grocery store called Mommas and Papas. Can't eat it because all the leaves are brown.

A huge blaze that originated in the portable toilet area at a music festival headlined by Billy Joel has been recorded as an accident. A spokesman said "Wee didn't start the fire"

Medical students hate the final exam on kidney stones. It’s the hardest one to pass.

I bought an alarm clock and found out that instead of beeping or buzzing, it swears loudly at me. It was a rude awakening.

Lynne keeps berating at me, for spending $200 on a fake Rolex. She’s been nagging me since 26 o’clock.

I knew scientists would one day develop an invisible lizard. It was clear right from the gecko.

I was delighted to win the World "When to and when not to use a comma" Championship. I was presented with a posh trophy.

My pet centipede died this morning. I'm really sad, but he was on his last legs.

I started my career as a locksmith. Good job. Opened a lot of doors for me.

I stopped by a roadside stand advertising “lobster tails $2”. So, I paid my $2, the vendor then says, “Once upon a time there was this lobster…”

Just when you think food could not possibly call you on the phone….. Onion rings.

I've just been to an Italian restaurant and asked the waiter if I could mix the main course with the pudding. He replied "Of course sir, pizza cake."...

BREAKING NEWS: The man who's been impersonating Sting has turned himself into the Police.

I recently invented a more efficient whisk. It's causing quite a stir.

Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.

My mate retired after working for 40 years at the graph paper company. Now he’s living off the grid.

I've got one of those smart showers. It tells you when some idiot is flushing the toilet

How did the bloke that invented the clock know what time it was?

I bought a new pair of shoes with memory foam insoles. No more forgetting what I went into the kitchen for.

I’ve just passed the Henry Winkler acting exam. Got an Aaaaaaaay…

I thought the word ‘Caesarean’ started with the letter S. But when I looked it up in the dictionary, it was in the C section.