There's nothing better than being a bandwagon sports fan. My local hockey team is playing for the Cup, I'm in, let's fucking go, I can't see the puck half the time but let's fucking go

I bet we'll see this again in our lifetimes: a state that has a Republican trifecta but that's a swing state for President will just do away with voting for POTUS

Told the toddler he needed to eat real food and overheard him building the evidentiary record on appeal: "Mom, popcorn is food right?" She, not knowing the broader context, told him yes so he came back and said "Popcorn IS food. Mama tell that." So that's what I'm dealing with the rest of my life

I know I'm leaving money and rewards on the table but having the Jersey Mike's app on my phone is just not something I will ever get involved in

The fellas as a community need to think about returning to business casual shirts that are made of classier material than that sweat-wicking golfer shit. One day all that will be left of us is photos and we'll be looking like some damn AAU coaches in our Under Armour "performance" fabric polos

I'm not superstitious but I do believe that if I don't think about It Happening or get titillated by some news over the possibility that It's Happening, It is more likely to Happen

I got the ick when my homey said he'd bring "grillables" to the beach house. I can't explain why but I'd appreciate you not using that word

The toddler picked up our Roku remote, mashed a button twice and subscribed us to Peacock. I'd bet money that this possibility is an intended feature of how they design their UI

Our state supreme court chief justice gave the commencement address at my nephew's graduation and (I'm told) congratulated them for holding a ceremony in May 2020, when so many "chose fear over courage" or some such. Yeah man they were storing corpses in ice trucks but what cowards we were!

Boss called me into his office to rant about Chet Holmgren and ask for my earnest opinion on what the hell's wrong with him and then after that tell me I'm promoted

This guy's videos where he skates in abandoned malls fill me with great peace

Toddler asked me if he could watch a show and I said go ask your mom so we went to her but he had already asked her and she'd said go ask your dad

This pool is five feet deep and he's kicking his little feet like a duck under there

Made this dumb shirt

I love "accidentally" bc (1) how'd they confirm that and (2) as opposed to what

If you break out a mentally taxing board game after I've eaten a gummy I'll do anything to get out of it. I'll fake a heart attack at your house party

This is so fucking funny. The dude goes to Mar A Lago and golfs constantly and doesn't ever actually work. I bet this is how Junior found out too

If I had my life together I'd have on my phone a blueprint of my house so when I (say) am considering buying a trash can I know if it'd fit in the place where the trash can goes. As things stand I can barely get to work in the morning but this'd be a nice way to live

After Mark Fuhrman died I started watching F Lee Bailey's cross-examination of him in the OJ trial. Bailey hilariously keeps referring to his "little flashlight" he used on the night of the crime. At one point he asks him if he tried to borrow another officer's "grown-up flashlight"

Billionaires have been talking too much shit so I just bought a window AC unit (HVAC broke) that I intend to return next week when the HVAC's fixed. Free rental motherfucker. Don't find out what I'll do next

This is how it feels to file counterclaims

Job recruiters love to email me unsolicited about openings in cities I don't live in and that aren't even lawyer jobs but have some word matches to my firm bio and then, when I don't respond, passive-aggressively say "I haven't heard from you, I guess I'll go die then, have a nice life"

Toddler: What was that noise (my phone buzzing) Me: I got an email Toddler (nodding): From Spider-Man

They deleted it but the damage has been done. We're toast

Pistons should've had Slum Village do the nat'l anthem

Corvettes used to look so classic. This shit looks like if Andrew Tate were a car. Why can't anything look good anymore

In 1 million years I wouldn't do this and in 2 million years I wouldn't publicly admit that I'd done it

The main theme to this is so vicious youtu.be/QUPtsJjfxm0?...

Just came across this. This is so me it's not even funny

"Shit or get off the pot" is a disgusting idiom that I refuse to use but that unfortunately plays a semantic role that nothing else fills (as far as I know). May I suggest "puff or pass it." That guy needs to puff or pass it

Babies have to be some of our greatest practitioners of mindfulness because they can't do shit. They'll just stare off into space, take in the environment and smile. No way I could do that

She had her first day at school and didn't get expelled

If you're having a wedding soon can I come

Crazy thing about a playoff series is every game after G1 is pivotal

The fact that the ppl whining about the birth rate are largely the ppl ruining the world makes me want to kill with a crossbow

A funny time in the early pandemic was when ppl would post photos of themselves doing stuff and clarify that it was taken a few mos ago bc they would obviously never do something like go to the beach in a time like this

The scientific literature says we're all gonna go extinct bc of all the loser-ass dudes running around

Exceeding the Trader Joe's cashier's enthusiasm for the items I'm purchasing to a degree that's frankly scary. "If you guys ever discontinue this lamb vindaloo I seriously don't know what I'll do HAHAHA"

My guy has gone 4 days without exhibiting the caprice of King Joffrey. Word on the street is the number one sweet boy might be back. Thunder in 4

I've bonded with our IT guy bc we both have 2-yo boys who yell at us but I can tell he thinks less of me after seeing how messy my desktop is

Any time I accidentally open "Microsoft Edge" it clings to my leg and begs to be my default browser. Sorry, I'm sure you're great but no

Pistons have cornered the market on guys who are genuinely down to fistfight and in fact would love to

You can tell that playing on a team of hard-nosed ass-kickers has rubbed off on Duncan Robinson. He's gonna get a half-sleeve and buzz his head this summer, I'm calling it

Noah Eagle has an unsettling hair situation

I'm in the house taking care of the baby while my partner and her dad are outside using a tablesaw and fixing things. This is due to my relentless feminist values and not bc she's more handy than I am and I would probably measure shit wrong or lose a finger

The case where SCOTUS killed partisan gerrymandering claims is a particularly catastrophic example of lawyers' annoying penchant for saying that bc it's hard to determine where to "draw the line" you shouldn't draw one at all

August's grandpa was showing him videos of airplanes. Not videos made for kids or videos of airplanes doing cool stuff or even flying--highly technical videos of their cabins and cockpits along with some ones of crews doing maintenance. I had to peel him away

The breweries around here all sell THC drinks now. For when being totally sober the whole time you're there and then catatonic two hours later is the move

I have nothing but love for Bernie but ppl have been fawning over him hitting the court and making little set shots from 8 feet for a decade. It's not impressive. Every YMCA has an old man who will cash free throws for an hour. It's a little Obama's Playlist of him to still be posting these videos