Check for this Domino’s delivery car in the Ep$te1n files

James Cameron: Pandora can have anything. Flying dragons, giant blue and green beings, sentient plants… Me: What about obese people JC: Absolutely fucking not

Really ridin’ hard for a sequel to Doubt (2008)

Times are tough for Angelina

I watched & reviewed 200 movies this year. Where ya been? Hit me up:

Accidentally paused The Last Samurai here and I fear I may have created a perfect meme for any occasion

Pro tip: don’t name your dog “Digger.” You will have to say their name aloud at the dog park and people will…not think that is what you are yelling 😳

I’ll say it again: conservative “comedy” is the fucking worst

Moving into a neighborhood with an adorable, well-stocked library is one of the great pleasures of middle-age

Men who call women “females” should be treated as animals and have their heads eaten off like praying mantises

It’s ok, gas pump. I forget how to spell Schwarzenegger all the time too

Aren’t we all, these days

Maybe it’ll help them develop enough empathy to quit. #acab #improv

I like my YouTube like I like my salad delivery service

TikTok algo thinks I wanna watch dudes tell me about Jesus and the Army. LIVE.

Not all of my @letterboxd.social reviews are this good, but here’s a taste of what you’re missing

Do I want to “upgrade my dog’s collar with AI?” What are we doing here you guys

Now that Ramos is stooging for Cuomo maybe leave her off! But do fill out ALL 5 slots, and do NOT rank the guy with nipple rings who harasses women and lies about all the old people he let die! K thx bye

Hey NYC friends, just reminding you that turnout on June 24 is super important,so vote! I’m not gonna tell you who to vote for (Mamdani if you’re smart) but I *will* tell you NOT to put Andrew Cuomo anywhere on that bad boy. Ok thanks love you bye!

To the guy I saw walking with a husky puppy and a toddler —- praying for you, man

I hope someone’s keeping a database of all the celebrities Jimmy Fallon has claimed are “the best”

We are mature

I am writing 3-sentence movie reviews here now if anyone gives a shit boxd.it/45UF7

Visiting other countries really broadens the mind

For an industry invented by nerds, VR headsets are surprisingly unfriendly to glasses-wearers

Make the most of what you got

Normalize pronouncing Beyoncé with the accent on the end like it’s spelled (bee-yon-SAY!)

Hello yes I am “mock turtleneck/pleated khakis/braided belt to the school dance" years old, thank you for asking

Teaching this workshop (and performing) at Hartford Improv Fest in a few weeks!

Before/after feeding time

App idea: Shazam for people you recognize but don't know how

America: everything is fine

If you make me “hop on a call” I will 🔥 everything to the ground

Oh I get it now, life is just more and more frequent instances of, “that guy died? But he was the same age as me”

There are two wolves inside you. They are tearing your guts out and making you into a den for warmth

Male comedians are like dolphins: we were obsessed with them in the 90s and are just now realizing that a lot of them are r*pists

Want to Feel Old? This Boy is a Fallout *Man* Now

Finally dropped my phone in the toilet for the first time. God what a rush

I know it’s supposed to be paradise but ‘a land of milk and honey’ actually sounds pretty gassy/sticky

Chin up

My late grandfather had the same first name, middle initial and suffix as Buzz Aldrin (“Edwin E., Jr”). Also my grandpa was born earlier so that’s another thing Buzz was second at

Hey Nate Bargatze quick Q, have you heard of women comedians, apparently they can also be funny

Uncle mode activated

Just wondering, how many fake Slim Shadys were sitting down in that room anyway

Hint: it starts with dysentery

You can’t be too careful ❄️

❤️❤️❤️

We’ve moved on from participation trophies to failure trophies

Seems like this app’s algo doesn’t like my sardonic one-liners any more than the last one did. Sorry but it’s my love language, bitch