You must give me all of your juices. Take that however you like it. – Exodus 22:29

And for God’s sake, whatever you do, don’t blaspheme, God damn it! – Exodus 22:28

If you lend money to the poor, don’t charge interest. You can keep their clothes as a pledge as long as you give it back at night. It’s fine if they’re wandering around naked all day, but I don’t condone people sleeping nude! – Exodus 22:25-27

If you sacrifice to any other god but the Lord, you must be destroyed! Not just killed, but completely obliterated! Because, how fucking dare you! – Exodus 22:20

Anyone who has sexual relations with a bear deserves to be mauled. Just saying. – Exodus 22:19

Do not allow a witch to live in your large intestine. – Exodus 22:18

If a man seduces a virgin who isn’t pledged to be married, he must buy her from her father and marry her. If her father refuses to sell her, he must marry the father. – Exodus 22:16-17

In all cases of illegal possession of property, where one person says, ‘This is mine,’ and the other says, ‘No, this is mine,’ and it goes on like this for hours, the first person to give up and go home loses. – Exodus 22:9

If anyone gives a neighbour silver or goods for safekeeping and they are stolen from the neighbour’s house, the thief must pay back double. But if the thief is not found, the owner of the house must appear before the judges in spandex performing Swan Lake. – Exodus 22:7-8

If a fire breaks out and spreads into thorn bushes so that it burns sheaves of corn or standing corn or the whole field, the fire must be punished with water. Naughty fire. – Exodus 22:6

If anyone lets their livestock wander free and eat from someone else’s field, the animal should be cut open to retrieve the crops. – Exodus 22:5|

Anyone who steals a horse must give it back. But if they no longer have the horse, they should be given to the victim and be ridden as a horse... bareback! – Exodus 22:4

If somebody’s bull kills someone else’s bull, the remaining bull must be cut equally in two and each shall keep half. However, if the owner put the bull up to it, he must exchange his bull for the dead bull and eat it in full view of the victim. – Exodus 21:35-26

If a bull gores a man or woman to death, the bull is to be stoned to death, and its meat must not be eaten. However, if the bull apologises, the owner is to be stoned to death, and his meat can be eaten. – Exodus 21:28-30

If a slave owner smacks their slave on the back of the head and knocks out their eye, the slave must become a pirate. If they knock out a tooth, even better! – Exodus 21:26-27

If two men are fighting, and one of them hits the other but doesn’t kill him, that’s perfectly fine, even if the victim needs the aid of a walking stick. However, if he paralyses him, he must be used as a makeshift wheelchair. – Exodus 21:18-19

Anyone who strikes a person with a fatal blow is to be put to death. However, if it is not done intentionally, and God lets it happen, God will let you hide out in his garden shed. It’s only fair. – Exodus 21:12-13

If you buy a Hebrew slave, he is to serve you for six years. But in the seventh, he’ll go free. But wait, there’s a loophole. Gives him a wife, and if he doesn’t want to leave her, tag his ear like a bull, and he will be your slave for life. Problem solved! – Exodus 21:2-6

Moses said to the people, ‘Do not be afraid. God has come to test you, so that the fear of God will be with you to keep you from sinning.’ Someone piped up, ‘Wait, so should we be unafraid, or should we fear God?’ Moses snapped, ‘Both!’ – Exodus 20:20

When Moses returned, the people said to him, ‘Speak to us and we will listen, but don’t let God speak to us, because we can’t stand his screechy voice!’ - Exodus 20:19

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s ass, even if dat ass is fine. – Exodus 20:17

You shall not murder. You shall not commit adultery. You shall not steal. You shall not give false testimony against your neighbour. You shall not drink cocktails with those little umbrellas in them. Seriously, I hate those friggin’ things. – Exodus 20:13-17

The Lord called Moses to the top of Mount Sinai. So, Moses went up and the Lord said to him, ‘Go back down and...’ Moses interrupted, ‘Wait wait wait! You had me climb all the way up only to tell me to go back down! You’re a jerk!’ – Exodus 19:20-21

Then Moses said to the people, ‘Prepare yourselves for the third day. Abstain from sexual relations.’ The people all groaned. ‘Yeah, I know,’ he replied. ‘But God’s not getting any, and he’s a jealous god.’ – Exodus 19:15

So, Moses went out to meet his father-in-law and bowed down and kissed him. Then they went into the tent to greet each other properly. – Exodus 18:7

When the dew was gone, a dark red drink can appeared on the desert floor. When the Israelites took a sip, they said to each other, ‘What is it?’ for it was Dr Pepper, and no fucker knows what it tastes of. – Exodus 16:14

So it was that quail came up at evening and covered the camp, and in the morning, on the surface of the wilderness, was a substance as fine as frost on the ground. So, when the children of Israel ate it, Moses said to them, ‘Don’t eat that, it’s quail shit!’ – Exodus 16:13-15

When Pharaoh’s horses, chariots and horsemen went into the sea, the Lord brought the waters of the sea back over them. Then Miriam the prophet took a timbrel in her hand, and all the women followed her with timbrels and sang: ‘Another one bites the dust.’ – Exodus 15:19-21

After the Israelites had crossed the Red Sea, the Egyptians came charging towards the dry land in the midst of the waters. When they got near, Moses stretched out his hand and the sea went back to its place, so they backed off again.

‘In days to come when your son asks you, “What does this mean?” say to him, “God killed the firstborn Egyptians, so I should be allowed to kill as many donkeys and lambs as I want!”’ - Exodus 13:14-15

I’m pretty sure there’s a child outside my house doing an impression of a seagull… or a seagull doing an impression of a child…

And the Lord said, ‘When you eat lamb, you must be wearing a belt and sandals, and hold a staff in one hand and a pigeon in another.’ Moses replied, ‘But that leaves no hands free to eat.’ God replied, ‘I want you to bob for your lamb.’ – Exodus 12:11

The Lord said to Moses and Aaron in Egypt, ‘Tell the whole community of Israel to put on their ceremonial cloaks and take a lamb to the sacred clearing. At twilight, they will slaughter their lamb and drain its blood into the mystical cauldron.

And Pharaoh said to Moses, ‘Get out of my sight! If I see you here in front of me again with your “let my people go” bullshit, I’ll punch you right in your stupid beardy face!’ ‘Fine,’ Moses replied. ‘Be like that!’ And he stormed off in a huff. – Exodus 10:27-29

So, Moses stretched out his hand towards the sky, and darkness covered all Egypt for three days. No one could see a thing for three days, and they kept bumping into inanimate objects and apologising to them because the Egyptians were kind of awkward and British. – Exodus 10:22-23

Then the Lord said to Moses, ‘Stretch out your hand towards the sky so that darkness spreads over Egypt – darkness that can be felt.’ Moses replied, ‘What does that even mean?’

Then Moses and Aaron were brought back to Pharaoh. ‘Go, worship the Lord your God,’ he said, ‘but you’ve got to pinkie swear that you’ll come back. You can’t go back on a pinkie promise!’ – Exodus 10:8

So, Moses and Aaron went to Pharaoh and said to him, ‘This is what the Lord, the God of the Hebrews, says: “Let my people go, or I will send locusts that will crawl all over you. In your hair, on your face. They’ll crawl all over your eyeballs with their little creepy-crawly legs.

Then the Lord said to Moses, ‘Go to Pharaoh, for I have hardened his heart so that you may tell your children and grandchildren how I like to fuck with people. Describe the look on his face when I killed all his cows and shit! Fucking priceless!’ – Exodus 10:1-2

Then Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron. ‘Blood in the water and boils are one thing,’ he said, ‘but unseasonable weather? I was planning on sunbathing today!’ – Exodus 9:27

Then the Lord said to Moses, ‘Get up early in the morning, confront Pharaoh and say to him, “This is what the Lord, the God of the Hebrews, says: let my people go, or I’ll make it hail, even though it’s April! Boy, will your weatherman’s face be red!”’ – Exodus 9:13-18

The magicians could not perform because the Lord had given them herpes, and nobody wants to hire magicians with icky sores. – Exodus 9:11

So, they took soot from a furnace and stood before Pharaoh. Moses tossed it into the air, and exclaimed, ‘Tada!’ Pharaoh wasn’t impressed. – Exodus 9:10

Then the Lord said to Moses and Aaron, ‘Take handfuls of ash from a furnace and let Moses toss it at Pharaoh.’ ‘Why?’ asked Moses. ‘Because it’ll be hilarious!’ – Exodus 9:8

Then the Lord said to Moses, ‘Go to Pharaoh and say to him, “This is what the Lord, the God of the Hebrews, says: ‘Let my people go, or I’ll kill all your animals, including the horses you’re going to use to chase them in Exodus 14!”’ – Exodus 9:1-3

Then the Lord said to Moses, ‘Go to Pharaoh and say to him, “This is what the Lord, the God of the Hebrews, says: ‘Let my people go. If you refuse to let them go, I will harden your farts so that YOU cannot go!’”’ – Exodus 8:1-2

Then the Lord said to Moses, ‘Go, tell Pharaoh king of Egypt to let the Israelites go out of his country.’ But Moses said to the Lord, ‘I can’t speak to Pharaoh. When I was shaving this morning, my razor slipped, and I circumcised my lips!’ – Exodus 6:10-12

That same day, Pharaoh gave this order to the slave drivers and overseers in charge of the people: ‘You are no longer to let the Israelites drink Coke through a straw! And they can’t have any of the cans I keep in the fridge!’ – Exodus 5:6

At a lodging place on the way, the Lord met Moses and was about to kill him. Zipporah took out a flint knife and cut off her son’s foreskin. This display of genital mutilation shocked the Lord so much that he ran off screaming, ‘Your wife’s a psycho, dude!’ – Exodus 4:24-25

The Lord said to Moses, ‘When you return to Egypt, put on a magic show for Pharaoh. He will enjoy the performance, and he’ll be willing to let the Israelites go. But I’ll make him change his mind so that I have an excuse to fuck with him!’ – Exodus 4:21