David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins as a present for King Saul. The king was delighted; he finally had turtlenecks for his army of mice. – 1 Samuel 18:27

The next day while David was playing the lyre, he decided to play Baby by Justin Bieber. An evil spirit from God came forcefully on Saul, and he took a spear in his hand, and he hurled it, saying, ‘If you ever play that again, I’ll kill you!’ – 1 Samuel 18:10-11

David took Goliath’s head and brought it to Jerusalem. By the end of the day, the local kids had hollowed it out and turned it into a clubhouse. – 1 Samuel 17:54

As Goliath moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly to meet him. Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine right in the love spuds. Goliath fell to the ground crying, ‘My enchanted gonads! How did you know?’ – 1 Samuel 17:48-49

Now Jesse said to his son David, ‘Take this grain and these ten loaves of bread for your brothers and hurry to their camp. But whatever you do, don’t attack any giants!’ ‘I won’t...’ replied David, grabbing his slingshot. – 1 Samuel 17:17

Goliath stood and shouted to the ranks of Israel, ‘Why have you all come out to attack me instead of sending one man?’ ‘Because you’re huge!!!’ they yelled back. – 1 Samuel 17:8

A champion named Goliath came out of the Philistine camp. He was 20 feet tall and had a shaft like a weaver’s rod. The tip alone weighed six hundred shekels! His terrified shield-bearer went ahead of him, throwing himself to the ground at the slightest breeze. – 1 Samuel 17:4-7

Whenever the spirit from God came on Saul, David would take up his lyre and play. Then Saul relieved himself all over David, and the evil spirit left. – 1 Samuel 16:23

Samuel replied, ‘I have come to sacrifice to the Lord. Consecrate yourselves and come to the sacrifice with me.’ Jesse started furiously stuffing his mouth with cheese. ‘I said “consecrate” not “constipate”!’ – 1 Samuel 16:15

The Lord said to Samuel, ‘Fill your horn with oil and be on your way and take your heifer with you!’ ‘That’s my wife!’ objected Samuel. – 1 Samuel 16:1-2

As Samuel turned to leave, Saul caught hold of the hem of his robe, and was dragged behind him, begging, ‘Please don’t leave me!’ Samuel tore the robe from his hand stormed off. – 1 Samuel 15:27

Samuel asked, ‘Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices?’ Saul retorted, ‘Have you read the fucking Bible?’ – 1 Samuel 15:22

Samuel said, ‘The Lord sent you on a mission, saying, “Go and completely destroy those wicked people, the Amalekites.” But you, you depraved fiend, didn’t kill their animals! What kind of sick weirdo doesn’t want to slaughter innocent animals?’ – 1 Samuel 15:18-19

Samuel said, ‘Why is there the bleating of sheep in my ears? What is this mooing of cattle that I hear?’ And Saul replied, ‘Samuel, I’m over here. You’re talking to the livestock again, you blind git!’ – 1 Samuel 15:14

‘Tell me what you have done,’ said Saul. Jonathan told him, ‘I stuck the end of my staff in your honey. Now I must die!’ ‘What? You screwed my girlfriend?’ ‘No, your actual jar of honey.’ ‘Jesus Christ!’ yelled Saul. ‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ – 1 Samuel 14:43

Jonathan said to his young arms-bearer, ‘Come, let’s go over to the Philistine outpost. I hear they’re uncircumcised!’ ‘Ooh, goody!’ cried his arms-bearer. ‘I love sheathed members!’ – 1 Samuel 14:6

So, all Israel heard the news: ‘Saul has attacked the Philistine outpost, and now Israel has become obnoxious to the Philistines.’ ‘Obnoxious?’ retorted one woman. ‘He’s slaughtering them, not pulling their pigtails and running away!’ – 1 Samuel 13:6

Then Samuel called on the Lord, and that same day the Lord sent thunder and rain. All the people stood in awe because they’d never seen weather before. – 1 Samuel 12:18

Samuel said to them, ‘The Lord is witness against you that you have not found anything in my hand. Now, watch this great thing the Lord is about to do before your eyes!’ He covered his hand with a cloth, and when he removed it, he was holding a dove! – 1 Samuel 12:5-16

Samuel said to all Israel, ‘As for me, I’m old and grey. Whose donkey have I taken? Whose trousers am I wearing? What’s that yellow stuff running down my leg?’ Two men from the crowd came forwards with a blanket. ‘There there, Samuel. Come back to the home.’ – 1 Samuel 12:1-3

I wouldn’t immediately guess ’team’ if some guy told me he wanted me on his ‘man shaft’.

The next day Saul separated his men into three divisions: heads, torsos, and legs. Then their pieces were scattered, so that no two of them were left together. Remarkably, despite this, they still managed to beat the Ammonites. – 1 Samuel 11:11

When Saul heard their words, the Spirit of God came upon him so powerfully that he shredded a pair of oxen to pieces. – 1 Samuel 11:6

The men of Jabesh said, ‘Make a treaty with us.’ Nahash replied, ‘I will make a treaty with you only on the condition that I gouge out the right eye of every one of you.’ They thought for a moment and replied, ‘Give us a week to decide?’ – 1 Samuel 11:1-3

Saul also went to his home in Gibeah, accompanied by valiant men whom God had touched. ‘Don’t worry,’ he assured them. ‘We’ll get the best lawyers to represent you. That bastard won’t get off with going around molesting people!’ – 1 Samuel 10:26

So, they enquired further of the Lord, ‘Has the man come here yet?’ The Lord replied, ‘Yes, he has hidden himself among the supplies.’ And Saul jumped out and cried, ‘Supplies!’ The Lord sighed, ‘He just wanted to do that lame joke.’ – 1 Samuel 10:22

Now Saul’s uncle asked him and his servant, ‘Where have you been?’ ‘Looking for the donkeys,’ replied Saul. ‘Ha,’ laughed his uncle, ‘typical Saul, always looking for donkeys!’ – 1 Samuel 10:13

When all those who knew him saw Saul prophesying with the prophets, they asked each other, ‘Is Saul also among the prophets?’ A man who lived there answered, ‘And who is his daddy?’ And so, it became a saying: ‘Who’s your daddy?’ – 1 Samuel 10:11-12

‘As you approach the town, you will meet a procession of prophets with lyres, tambourines, pipes and harps,’ warned Samuel. ‘Whatever you do, don’t give them any money, otherwise they’ll follow you for miles playing their god-awful music!’ – 1 Samuel 10:5

Samuel told Saul, ‘When you leave me today, you’ll meet three men going up to worship God at Bethel. One will be carrying three goats, another three loaves, and another a flamethrower. You must defeat each of them before you take on the boss to win the game!’ – 1 Samuel 10:2-3

Then Samuel took a flask of olive oil and poured it on Saul’s head and kissed him, saying, ‘I like ‘em slippery.’ – 1 Samuel 10:1

Samuel called to Saul on the roof, ‘Get off the roof, you daft fucker! You’re screwing up my TV reception!’ – 1 Samuel 9:26

Saul approached Samuel and asked, ‘Would you tell me where the seer’s house is?’ ‘I am the seer,’ replied Samuel. ‘Go to the High Place, and I’ll teach you how to find your ass.’ ‘I didn’t come all this way to be propositioned, you filthy bastard!’ spat Saul. – 1 Samuel 9:19-20

They went up to the town, and as they were entering it, there was Samuel, coming towards them on his way to an opium den called the High Place. – 1 Samuel 9:14

As Saul and his servant were going up the hill to the town, they met some young women coming out to draw water. By the time they came back down, the women had sketched a beautiful drawing of a koi pond with lilies. – 1 Samuel 9:11

But Saul’s servant replied, ‘Look, in this town there is a man of God; he might be able to tell us where your father’s donkey is. They call him The Ass Whisperer!’ - 1 Samuel 9:6

One day, Kish called to his son Saul, ‘Saul, I can’t find my ass!’ ‘You’re sitting on it, you daft bastard!’ replied Saul. ‘No, I mean my donkey!’ – 1 Samuel 9:3

When Samuel heard all that the people said, he pleaded to the Lord, ‘They still keep asking me for a king!’ The Lord answered, ‘Then just give them a fucking king!’ ‘But I don’t have a king!’ ‘Just do it!’ ordered the Lord.

And the Lord told Samuel, ‘Don’t let them have a king. Any worship they give to a king is worship they could be giving me!’ Samuel replied, ‘That sounds really petty.’ The Lord stamped his foot and yelled, ‘But I want to be the only king!’ – 1 Samuel 8:7

But the people asked Samuel for a king, it displeased him, and he replied, ‘Hey, I don’t have kings coming out of my arse!’ They replied, ‘But if you did, that'd be a hell of a trick!’ – 1 Samuel 8:6

The name of Samuel’s firstborn was Joel and the name of his second was Abijah, and they served at Beersheba. But his sons did not follow his ways, and so they kept getting lost whenever they went out to the shops. – 1 Samuel 8:2-3

Each year, Samuel went on a circuit from Bethel to Gilgal to Mizpah, tutting at people and judging their life choices. ‘I wouldn’t have married that woman, she’s a complete dog,’ he’d say and, ‘Aren’t you a bit on the porky side to be wearing spandex?’ – 1 Samuel 7:16

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, and said, ‘I’ve always wanted a pet rock. I can’t wait to teach it how to fetch!’ – 1 Samuel 7:12

So, Samuel said to all the Israelites, ‘For the love of God, put away your balls and serve the Lord!’ – 1 Samuel 7:3-4

After the Philistines had captured the ark, God afflicted the people of the city, both young and old, with an outbreak of haemorrhoids. He then replaced their toilet paper with sandpaper and sat back to watch the fun. – 1 Samuel 5:9

When Phinehas’s wife heard the news that the ark of God had been captured and that her father-in-law and her husband were dead, she was so shocked that she went into labour and gave birth, which was weird because she wasn’t even pregnant. – 1 Samuel 4:19

The man brought the news to Eli. Just then, Eli sneezed and fell backwards off his chair, breaking his neck and dying. Despite this, the Israelites let him judge for a further forty years. – 1 Samuel 4:17-18

That same day, a Benjaminite ran from the battle line and went to Shiloh with his dust on his body and all of his clothes on his head, as was the tradition at the time. – 1 Samuel 4:12

When the ark of the Lord’s covenant came into the camp, all Israel raised such a great shout that the ground shook. So, whenever there is an earthquake, you can be sure that somewhere there is an Israelite shouting. – 1 Samuel 4:5

And the Lord said to Samuel: ‘Behold, I am about to do something that will make the ears of everyone who hears it tingle!’ ‘What are you going to do?’ replied Samuel. So, the Lord took a deep breath and belched loudly. – 1 Samuel 3:11