Now the earth was corrupt in God’s sight. God saw how corrupt the earth had become, for all the people on earth had corrupted their ways. And God thought the corruption of the corrupt people on the corrupt earth was pretty damned corrupt. – Genesis 6:11-12

Truly inspiring! www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Noah was a crotchety 600-year-old git who lived with his three sons. Though he was the town drunk and hardly righteous nor blameless, God really enjoyed his drunken escapades and his epic barbecues, so Noah found favour in the eyes of the Lord. – Genesis 6:8-10

The Lord saw how numerous the human race had become on the earth. He’d only planned on having a few, but these humans just kept breeding until the earth was infested with them. So the Lord said, ‘Screw it, I’m getting the hose.’ - Genesis 6:5-7

When the sons of God saw the fine ass daughters of men, they had them some freaky angel sex and bore giant children to them with heads the size of beach balls. Needless to say, the birthing process was no picnic. - Genesis 6:1-4

Enoch walked with God, and then he was not. He ceased to be. He was an ex-patriarch. – Genesis 5:24

Genesis 5 in summary This is the book of the genealogy of Adam. Begat, lived, died. Begat, lived, died. Begat, lived, died. Begat, lived, died. Begat, lived, died. Begat, lived, died. Enoch walked with God. Begat. God took him. Begat, lived, died. Begat, lived, died. Noah begat…

In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him, male and female created he them, and blessed them and called their name ‘Adam’. But calling them by the same name turned out to be confusing, so he renamed the woman ‘Eve’. - Genesis 5:1-2

And Adam knew his wife yet again; and she bore a son, and called his name Seth, and said ‘Why do people keep falling out of me?’ – Genesis 4:25

And Cain knew his wife, who must have been one of his sisters, and she bore Enoch. After centuries of incest, we get to Lamech who was so inbred that he looked like an over-chewed piece of chewing gum that had been haphazardly moulded into the shape of a human. – Genesis 4:17-18

Today I awoke to Xena vomiting in my laundry basket. But don’t worry, she hasn’t lost her appetite, she immediately ate it. I’m not looking forward to doing laundry. Also, Xena is my dog.

Just then, God appeared and said, ‘What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground.’ ‘What’s it saying?’ replied Cain. God replied, ‘Why?’ - Genesis 4:9-10

Now Cain said to his brother Abel, ‘Let’s go out to the field.’ ‘Why?’ replied Abel. ‘I want to show you something.’ ‘Why?’ ‘You’ll find it interesting.’ ‘Why?’ After half an hour of this, Cain picked up a rock and beat Abel to death. - Genesis 4:8

Just a reminder that my new book, The MisreadBible: Joshua, will be available to buy on 30th September, and you can pre-order the eBook now. www.misreadbible.com/books/joshua

The First Betrayal www.youtube.com/shorts/jF4Sg...

Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil. In the course of time, Cain brought some vegetables as an offering to the Lord. But Abel slaughtered some baby animals. God found Abel’s pile of dead baby animals absolutely hilarious, and he gave Abel a gold star.

And Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, and declared, ‘I have got a man from my vagina!’ And Adam knew Eve again, and she bore Abel, and said, ‘Oh shit, another one!’ - Genesis 4:1-2

Just a reminder that my new book, The MisreadBible: Joshua, will be available to buy on 30th September, and you can pre-order the eBook now. www.misreadbible.com/books/joshua

After God drove the man out, he put in front of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a giant flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the tree of life. The cherubim and flaming sword remain there to this day, but, oddly, haven’t shown up on any satellite photos. - Genesis 3:24

And with a flick of his wrist, the Lord skinned several animals alive and fashioned their skins into fur coats for Adam and Eve, complete with matching fur hats, mittens, and boots. - Genesis 3:21

Adam said to his wife, ‘You know, it’s pretty weird to keep calling out “the woman” during sex. Maybe I should give you a name.’ The woman replied, ‘What do you have in mind?’ ‘How about Steve?’ ‘That’s a man’s name!’ ‘Okay,’ replied Adam, ‘how about Eve?’ - Genesis 3:20

So, the Lord God said to the snake, ‘Because you have done this, I’m revoking your walking privileges.’ And poof! The snake’s legs fell off. ‘Now slither off and eat dirt! Oh, and try not to get trampled on.’ - Genesis 3:14

And God said, ‘Did you eat one of my apples?’ The man said, ‘The woman made me do it!’ The woman said, ‘The snake made me do it!’ And the snake said, ‘The dinosaur made me do it!’

But the Lord God called to the man, ‘Where are you?’ He answered, ‘I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.’ And he said, ‘Who told you that you were naked?’ ‘Err... it’s pretty obvious. I mean, my cock’s right there.’ - Genesis 3:9-11

Then the man and his wife heard the Lord God as he walked in the garden, and they hid among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, ‘Where are you?’ He answered, ‘Hey, that’s cheating.’ And God replied, ‘Ha ha, I found you!’ - Genesis 3:8-10

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food, she picked some, and placed it to her mouth. No sooner had she taken a bite than the fruit sprouted a little mouth and whispered, ‘You’re naked.’ - Genesis 3:6-7

Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field and had the power of speech for some reason. Not only that, but it was created with a full understanding of how magical fruit trees work, and a predilection for pointing out when God is talking bullshit. - Genesis 3:1

Just to let you know, I wasn’t raptured (despite my lack of posts today).

And God fashioned woman from Adam’s rib. And, yea, he found pleasure in it. Mmm, a rib for his pleasure. – Genesis 2:22

Now the Lord God formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them. But Adam couldn’t think of names for all the millions of species, so he decided to name them all Gary. - Genesis 2:19-20

And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, ‘Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat; but of the delicious fruit of the completely unnecessary tree of the knowledge, which I placed right there even though it will screw up everything, you shall not eat.’ - Genesis 2:16

Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground, and he sang: ‘Oh Adam, Adam, Adam, I made you out of clay. And when you’re dry and ready, I’ll teach you how to pray.’ - Genesis 2:7

And on the seventh day, Peter Gabriel pissed off to pursue a solo career, and Phil Collins seized power! – Genesis 2:2

And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had done, and he said, ‘Now, let’s rest, because tomorrow, we’re going to create the universe all over again in a slightly different order.’ - Genesis 2:2-3

Then God said, ‘I give you every plant on the face of the whole earth and every fruit tree as food. Some of them are poisonous, but I’m not telling you which ones!’ Then he laughed manically. - Genesis 1:29

So God blessed the humans and said, ‘Now, you’d better behave, because if you don’t, I’ll kill my son!’ - Genesis 1:27-28

So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; he was God and they were mankind, and his own image was the thing in which they were created. So, to sum up, God created mankind in his own image. - Genesis 1:27

And God said, ‘Let there be a solid dome over the Earth,’ for the Earth was flat in those days and became a globe due to inflation, ‘and let it separate water from water.’ Oh, and there was water above the sky, but it dried up because it was too close to the Sun. - Genesis 1:6

The First Betrayal www.youtube.com/shorts/jF4Sg...

And after God had created this first 24-hour period, he decided to call it a day. - Genesis 1:5

And God said, ‘Let there be light,’ but, as there was no one around to hear him, nothing happened. So God flicked on the light switch. - Genesis 1:3

And God said, ‘Let there be light.’ But as he hadn’t paid his electric bill, he had to make do with candles. – Genesis 1:3

Now the Earth was nothing but a giant ocean, so when God tried to create land animals, they all drowned. He tried fitting them with snorkels, but it was impractical. So God decided to make land. - Genesis 1:2

In the beginning, God inserted a floppy disk into drive A and pressed the power button. A message flashed up on the screen saying, ‘No bootable device.’ God’s anger was kindled, and he smote the computer, knocking it to the floor. Suddenly, it exploded with a big bang.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.... - Genesis 1:1

A gathering of angels appeared above my head. They sang to me this song of hope and this is what they said. They said, ‘Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me.’ - Styx 19:77