My superpower is to offend people effortlessly.

wrapping presents is like performing cpr you want to be on a hard surface and hopefully not crack any ribs

Sup fam

I mean, look, I'm not a reporter, so who am I to talk? But on a day where the president both just called a woman reporter "Piggy" and is celebrating someone who had people bone saw apart one of my colleagues, I might just be a little ready to defend my colleagues and profession. But that's just me

If you're rich enough, you can saw journalists into little pieces.

Pay attention to how Mike Johnson is trying to shift the narrative today - he’s saying some Epstein files can’t be released because they’re intelligence products and would harm national security.

I'm just a delicate garment in a machine wash world

Damn, even the cat voting?

hey, i have good posts but you don’t know them they live in canada

My husband just told me he doesn’t ‘feel like’ voting tonight. So, long story short, I’m going to need an alibi.

Everyone ready for Santa Claus tomorrow?!

Happy Halloween!!! It’s my favorite holiday so please live it up tonight!

Its ‘ween eve. Putting out ‘weeners for the ‘ween fairy

Send urgent help. My colleague is clearing her throat every 30 seconds and we still have many hours left in our work day.

I'm not religious or a statistician, but between the afterlife not existing, and Trump being the worst person ever, I estimate there's a 0.00% chance he goes to Heaven.

I’ve decided to choose violence. Please try me during these difficult times.

I need a gym buddy. I do so much better when I’m at risk of embarrassing myself by losing a competition m

If I say something happened "the other day" that can mean any time between 1990 and yesterday

Oh, yes please!

I’m going to suggest this for our book club’s July book. Fine literature is my passion.

Ahhhh, fresh sheets on the bed. One of life’s simple pleasures.

I’m going to put on my favorite outfit and spend a little quality time with some besties. #BlackBeltStrong #Endurance #InjuriesWontStopMeForLong

I’ve been in a DEI training class most of the day because my employer isn’t a bigoted nazi pos

“Terrible things are happening outside. Poor helpless people are being dragged out of their homes. Families are torn apart. Men, women, and children are separated. Children come home from school to find that their parents have disappeared.” Diary of Anne Frank January 13, 1943

They’re so cute! 🥹 Never mind that they are brother and sister.

Happy 2025 East Coast beasties!!!

“Kiss me, baby, one more time!” Me, making up my own lyrics.

I don’t want to hear you’re working on it anymore. I only want to hear specifically what you’re doing to fix the issue. Me, just now, at work, to a guy above me on the org chart. #ImGettingFired #FixThisAlready

Me, bragging.

Someone pointed out my triceps tonight as I was holding a plank so, if you need me, I’ll be flexing in front of a mirror or strutting.

Someone talk me out of buying this. Quickly, please.

If he were orange, we’d have to call him Garfield.

*puts turkey back into the attic*

Let's get jolly up in this motherfucker

I just saw a cyber truck with a QR code on it and I can guarantee you that, if you scan that QR code, you’re getting herpes.

Men need to turn the TV off and help. Is that too woke?

Remember when "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" tried to teach us about tariffs and no one was paying attention

Grilled cheese sandwiches tonight!! Who’s hungry?

I am Alexa in my household.

I unclogged the drain in the kid’s bathtub. Me, sexting

Update: Ulta’s customer service is fantastic!

I ordered a Tarte brand concealer from Ulta and they sent me a NYX brand concealer. Non- makeup people, the price difference between these two items is significant, and not in my favor. 😡

Not me changing my slides 20 min before the presentation. Spoiler: it was me.

UFC gave Trump a walk in? Ew. Can I return this PPV?

I found some ammo in my purse this morning.

Hi everyone! It’s great finding old friends here!

Any room can be an escape room if you're drunk enough.

Existential crisis and chill?