A lot of people say I own a soccer ball. I don’t.

Suspenseful, timely baseball-film director? (6, 5, 5) [cryptic]

Someone needs to stand up to these maniacs.

Neighbourhood Dad (S01, ep 06) Neighbourhood dads race against the clock to dry the mayor's dishes but end up jerking each other off for 17 hours.

When eagles attack.

Your nape is like finely, finger-moulded garlic butter. Your shoulders are like those of a lobster. Your hands are also like lobsters.

I’m sorry I legally re-named two of your children Slobodan Milosovic while you were away.

A part of my brain wants to order a chimichanga. But reading my notepad, I have very clearly written Do NOT order a chimichanga.

What sort of maniac calls an attractive woman a snack?

Every night I fall asleep thinking haha I didn't get eaten by a bear today. It's great.

Here's one more for your families.

Why not play a game with me, lilooet?

do americans not stand up and fight back anymore?

JB Pritzker uses the word "invasion" to describe what Trump has planned for my city, Chicago. And that's exactly what it would be – an autocratic government trying to crush our dissent because we oppose his corruption, cruelty and incompetence. It's what dictators do.

Still don't get why I had to buy a corset for my prom date.

What are some examples of weddings in sci-fi?

One of the main things I like to tap dance about is duty-free savings at the airport.

Haven’t heard of anyone being bitten in half by a shark lately. Do we finally have these assholes under control?

Well that is definitely the last time I date a nun.

I would like to see Mark Carney put in a public bid to build a $35-million dancefloor in the Governor General's cottage he's staying in.

Pretty weird how often I find myself ordering food from Shell lately.

How can I donate my bone marrow to specific Toronto steak houses?

No. Of course I’m not eating gossamer.

Hello? Hi. I’ve wiped my baby with a microfibre, nano-toothed fabric but he’s still not clean. What do I do next?

Holy moly. 9 o'clock gun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! on time. Thank you Kent Sim!!!!

Bouncing from town to town is really hard on my legs my hips and my shoulders.

Why would anyone spend $55 on a filet mignon? Because it's soft? Lots of soft foods out there. you could eat a malted milk chocolate bar or a Charleston Chew (if you heated it up). I've also found many buns to be soft.

I wonder if a good name for a circus clown would be Maimo.

When I was younger, we fretted dearly over acid rain. But now we like it and want more.

What’s is called when you’ve been craving Wedge Salad all weekend and then go to the restaurant only to end up making out with the floor manager of the carving station?

Mediaeval workout equipment? (12) [cryptic]

@iamkennethchan.bsky.social What do you think? bsky.app/profile/lilo...

I do love my skytrain (Canada Line) and I love our transit. But there are some minor issues. @translink.ca One is the text ticker in the Canada Line cars. Very slow. Often you'll be wondering which station you're at and it's telling you terminal stn or next stn. Not helpful. I propose this sign.

No, no. That's okay. I have five back-up plans.

Sure. A lot of kids are malnourished, but that doesn’t mean they can’t play golf well at the Summer Retreat.

If you have any ropes lying round, be mindful of ninjas. They just fucking love climbing up those things.

Althea nails it.

Pretty weird both the best hairstyle and the best salad in history are named Caesar.

When I was nine, my parents sold my horse to neighbours so they could ride in parades with more pomp. I was crestfallen. But I’ve never been colgatefallen. And that’s why you should use colgate.

What do you mean you're a blood bank robber?

I've seen many Christmas Carols and quite a few Scrooges, but the guy from the canadiantire ads will always be my fave.

If I were DJT, I would ask Greenland if they have ever won Eurovision and if they would like to cut a deal.

Hear me out. What if something DID happen on Y2K and we just haven't noticed until now?

I left my family because they kept pronouncing hibachi wrong at the store.

Pretty weird that not one of thos guys from star wars - Darth, Han, Lando, Luke, C, Chewy - had a girlfriend. Most of them seemed nice. Maybe a bit aggressive. But nice.

There was an elderly man there. He kept bumping into me and I was like, Sir, please stop bumping into me. He said, I'm not bumping into you. I'm trying to dance with you. And I''m like well lets dance then

Can you keep mice and frogs in an insulated lunch pail?

I am in no hurry to marry as I will be sending my children to boarding schools and I can’t really afford that right now. Plus I don’t currently have a romantic partner.