BREAKING: Protesters are reportedly following ICE agents with bullhorns shouting, “Attention everyone, ICE is coming though! They are very scared, and easily frightened! Everyone move slowly or they’ll shoot you! Everyone whisper or they’ll shoot. They are more scared of you!”

BREAKING: A group of anti-fascist hackers reportedly found a file with the home addresses of all the ICE agents in Minnesota, and are now mailing them red swastika armbands so the ICE agents "can complete their uniforms."

BREAKING: The ultra-secretive feminist mafia who call themselves “The Cliterati” are reportedly launching a website next week that displays all the dick pics and names of ICE agents the Cliterati agents have received while catfishing them over the last 6 months.

BREAKING: ICE officials are reportedly beginning to worry that no protesters they arrest will ever be found guilty by any juries because the agency is so wildly unpopular.

BREAKING: Top ICE officials are reportedly worried that regular citizens will start using the Minneapolis rationale for self-defense and shoot at every ICE vehicle that drives toward them while claiming they “feared for their lives,” and angry juries will let them off.

BREAKING: A van full of ICE agents in Chicago reportedly gave themselves carbon monoxide poisoning by idling too long in a garage while waiting for a Hispanic-looking person to walk by so they could jump out and abduct him or her.

BREAKING: CBS regrets to inform everyone that they couldn't get a comment from the Trump Administration about the ICE murder in Minneapolis so unfortunately CBS can’t cover it.

BREAKING: Top Trump Administration officials have reportedly been joking for months that Botox migrated into Kristi Noem's brain.

BREAKING: Dozens of grandmas in Minneapolis have reportedly been stalking ICE agents back to their hotels tonight yelling all the way, "Shame on you, young men! You know better! Shame!"

BREAKING: Protesters are reportedly clogging up ICE’s hotline all day today leaving hundreds of messages where they play out loud recordings from the Nuremberg Trials.

BREAKING: Blue cities are reportedly directing police to begin detaining any mask-wearing ICE agents immediately, and, if they have no identification as ICE visible, they'll be arrested.

BREAKING: After ICE’s killing of a Minneapolis woman, protesters are reportedly planning on dumping environmentally friendly glitter all over agents so everyone knows who they are when they take off their cunty little masks and tell women on dates, "I don't care about politics."

BREAKING: Greenland is reportedly offering to sell itself to the US in exchange for the DOJ releasing ALL the Epstein Files with NO redactions.

BREAKING: Merrick Garland reportedly thinks he could have moved "a little faster" investigating and prosecuting Donald Trump during the four years he was out of office.

BREAKING: In her most truthful-sounding defense of Trump yet, Ghislaine Maxwell claims Trump’s body odor was too toxic for Epstein to ever invite him to a sex party because Trump’s stench would make everyone would throw up.

Maduro is trying to signal to us something about Trump's motivations...

BREAKING: Venezuelan officials are reportedly discussing how to spend 1% of their oil revenue on lawyers for the Trump-Epstein victims until Trump resigns or is impeached.

BREAKING: A viral TikTok trend involves teenagers ordering Donald Trump’s regular McDonald’s order of a Quarter Pounder, a Big Mac, and a Filet-o-Fish, and seeing if eating it all makes them throw up.

BREAKING: The medical clinic for reproductive health in Hawaii that renamed itself as the "The Donald J. Trump Center For Syphilis and Chlamydia" says all their customers love the name change.

BREAKING: A new poll found that 71% of Americans miss going to bed and not worrying whether Joe Biden was going to bomb a random country and arrest its leader with no warning while they were sleeping.

BREAKING: Dozens of protesters are reportedly playing vuvuzelas as annoyingly as they can outside the gates of Mar-a-Lago to protest Trump’s illegal actions in Venezuela.

BREAKING: Senate Republicans reportedly all think Trump’s threat to annex Greenland is idiotic and would end NATO as we know it, but none of them want to be the first to say anything about it in public.

BREAKING: Marco Rubio is reportedly beginning to worry Donald Trump might not actually have a plan for governing Venezuela, and will throw him under the bus if shit hits the fan.

BREAKING: A 7th grader named Megan on a White House tour today reportedly asked Trump, “You’re doing regime change in Venezuela to distract everyone from how your tariffs aren’t working, inflation is still rising, and the Epstein cover-up makes you look terrible, aren’t you?”

BREAKING: The major US oil companies reportedly don't want the headache of stealing Venezuela's oil infrastructure, the risk of an endless Venezuelan insurgency against their companies' employees, and the historic shame of contributing to colonialist theft of a nation's wealth.

BREAKING: House Republicans are reportedly complaining privately that Mike Johnson is “cucking the entire House” by not doing anything about Trump starting a war without their votes or even awareness.

BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly has “concepts of a plan” to govern Venezuela that he’ll release “in two weeks,” and it’s going to “make everyone win so much they will get sick of winning.”

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly beginning to panic because he thought he’d have been able to come up with a plan on how to govern Venezuela by now.

BREAKING: Top Republicans are reportedly beginning to worry that Trump's health is nose-diving because he has spent three straight weeks at Mar-a-Lago, even conducting the most serious military operation of his second term from there.

BREAKING: A new poll just found that if Stephen Miller takes over control of Venezuela, 80% of Venezuelans would approve of a January 6th style riot to "Stop the Steal."

BREAKING: Rural Venezuelans are reportedly terrified of the idea that Stephen Miller would take greater responsibility over their country's governance because of several prevalent folk tales involving vampire colonial viceroys that abduct people and drink their blood.

BREAKING: Hundreds of Venezuelans in downtown Caracas are reportedly praying for God to send a hurricane directly at Mar-a-Lago this summer.

Top of the list has to be D.O.G.E., right?

BREAKING: Billboard ads are reportedly being replaced throughout Caracas, Venezuela with images of Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein above a caption that says "Pedophile, stay out!"

BREAKING: Top Republicans in Congress are reportedly worried they will soon have to do something about Trump starting illegal wars with no Congressional input.

BREAKING: The Venezuelan legislature just voted unanimously to ban any of their oil being taken by foreign leaders who are named in the Epstein Files.

BREAKING: Every chance he gets while a camera is recording him, Nicolás Maduro mouths the words "Epstein Files."

BREAKING: A town in Idaho is hosting a "MAGA Bonfire" event this weekend to burn their MAGA hats in protest of Donald Trump's very "anti-America-First" regime change intervention in Venezuela.

Thanks, McDonald's!

BREAKING: McDonald’s was just named ANTIFA’s “official fast food restaurant” for the chain’s work helping fatten up Trump and clog his arteries.

BREAKING: Venezuelan officials say that Trump arresting Maduro won’t make the Epstein Files go away, or make Americans approve of the White House ballroom, or cure his dementia, or fix his terrible body odor.

BREAKING: Nicolás Maduro's last words before being detained were reportedly, "McDonald's and aspirin will avenge me!"

BREAKING: Lawyers for McDonald’s say they feel obligated to tell people that no human should eat the quantity of calories, trans fat, and sodium in one sitting that Donald Trump does.

Welcome to ANTIFA

BREAKING: Local MAGA fans are reportedly starting to worry that Donald Trump sending his spa girls to Jeffrey Epstein’s mansion for private visits is textbook sex-trafficking.

BREAKING: Several McDonald’s franchises are reportedly now offering “The Donald” as one of their combo meals, consisting of a Quarter Pounder, a Big Mac, a Filet-o-Fish, and a large order of fries.

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly pissed that the Wall Street Journal's recent report on his health misleadingly makes him seem like an obese slob who eats garbage.

BREAKING: Doctors suspect Donald Trump's arteries are so clogged he thinks the aspirin thinning out his blood will keep him from having a heart attack.

BREAKING: Protesters have reportedly begun mailing dozens of bottles of aspirin to the White House with notes saying things like, "Hey, Donald, your blood is still too thick!" and, "Obama took 20 of these a day, surely you can handle more!"

BREAKING: National security officials are reportedly worried Donald Trump is taking so much aspirin under the misguided notion that he needs thin blood to keep his heart pumping through his clogged arteries full of congealed Big Mac sauce that a paper cut could end his life.