BREAKING: Federal judges are keeping “Karma Lists” of everyone who dies in ICE custody and their unconstitutional mistreatment for the inevitable trials of Miller and Noem when Democrats take over and investigate DHS so they don’t feel bad about giving maximum prison sentences.

BREAKING: Republicans are accusing Nancy Mace of "betraying family values" with her resolution to reveal all of Congress’s sexual harassment settlements because of how many divorces it will cause.

BREAKING: The Republicans deposing Bill and Hillary Clinton over the next two days are reportedly extremely nervous because Donald Trump—very out of character—hasn't said a word about it, and they're afraid the Clintons' answers might lead to the end of Trump's presidency.

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly hoping his scheme to withhold money from Minnesota won't inspire all the blue states to band together and cripple the federal government by withholding their disproportionate funding that essentially bails out all the red states every year.

BREAKING: Republicans are reportedly panicking over Nancy Mace's resolution to force the Ethics Committee to reveal all of Congress's sexual harassment settlements, with one saying, "If it comes up for a vote we might as well just hand Hakeem Jeffries the Speaker's gavel now."

BREAKING: A federal judge just ruled that, if the FCC is now enforcing its 100-year-old "Equal Time Rule," then, for every minute CNN and Fox News reported on Joe Biden being old, the networks must spend a minute reporting on Donald Trump being a sex-trafficking pedophile.

BREAKING: Pam Bondi and Todd Blanche have reportedly been arguing all day over who will have to take the blame for lying under oath about not withholding any Epstein Files that document Trump's involvement.

BREAKING: The whistleblower complaint Tulsi Gabbard is hiding from Congress reportedly involves Jared Kushner telling Saudi Arabia, the UAE, and Russia that Trump has full-blown dementia so he'll be handling all bribes from now on, but we won't know for sure until it's revealed.

BREAKING: Iran has reportedly agreed to end its nuclear program and dismantle all its centrifuges in exchange for the US releasing the FBI interviews with the woman who accused Donald Trump of raping her as a child.

BREAKING: Nine Republican House members reportedly went to the Congressional physician this morning complaining of knee pain from standing up every 10 seconds during Trump's SOTU speech.

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly going to bed pissed tonight because he knows tomorrow everyone will be talking about how the DOJ got caught covering up FBI documents detailing how he raped a child instead of his SOTU speech.

BREAKING: Doctors are warning that Trump’s staff letting him give a SOTU speech over two hours long, with his dementia symptoms as bad as they are, is both “political and medical malpractice."

BREAKING: After the bombshell reporting today that the DOJ has been caught hiding evidence Trump raped a teenager, Trump has decided tonight’s SOTU address is not the right time to unveil a big banner he had printed that says, “Epstein Files Mission: Accomplished.”

BREAKING: A petition calling on GOP Representative Tony Gonzalez to set himself on fire to atone for his relentless sexual harassment of his staffer who killed herself just passed 30 million signatures.

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly "raving mad" that Democrats will be broadcasting a live feed of his SOTU speech tonight from a thermal camera that shows if he poops himself, and is furious that this “Trump Dump Detector” could get more viewers than the regular broadcast.

BREAKING: Several House Democrats have set up a thermal camera for the SOTU speech tonight that will broadcast live on a YouTube channel called "The Trump Dump Detector" so Americans can have "full fecal transparency" and see if he poops himself.

BREAKING: A new poll found that 78% of Americans want Britain to lend the US a few of their prosecutors so that some of the Epstein criminals in America get arrested too.

BREAKING: A divorce lawyer is offering free legal services to any wives of Republican men in Congress who want to divorce their husbands over them not doing anything to hold any of the pedophiles who sex-trafficked and murdered children accountable.

BREAKING: Democratic senators are reportedly going to set up two thermal cameras on Trump for his SOTU speech so they can prove it if he shits himself.

BREAKING: The rich pedophiles in the Epstein Files are reportedly worried Donald Trump’s health and dementia are spiraling, and when JD Vance takes over he'll replace Pam Bondi with a less toxic AG who isn’t a complicit, soulless sociopath.

BREAKING: A hockey player from the US men’s Olympic team says that after Kash Patel chugged a beer with them he whispered to several players that Donald Trump really does smell terrible.

BREAKING: A top GOP official says that, if every male Republican in Congress had to resign over a female staffer accusing them of sexual harassment, Democrats would have the majority and impeach Trump.

BREAKING: The State of New Mexico is reportedly inviting the US men’s hockey team to make an appearance outside Epstein’s Zorro Ranch so that Kash Patel will show up and maybe do his job searching for bodies of murdered trafficked children.

BREAKING: National security experts say the Trump Administration’s foreign policy is “a black hole dumpster fire” now that Russia, Israel, Iran, and a dozen nations in Europe all have pedophile blackmail on Donald Trump and are making impossibly irreconcilable demands from him.

BREAKING: A top GOP pollster says if Donald Trump starts a war in Iran his MAGA movement will "utterly collapse" because the America-First crowd will disown him, the Nazis will call him an Israeli stooge, and the fiscal hawks are already mad he's ballooning the debt in peacetime.

BREAKING: Vladimir Putin is reportedly thinking about leaving Ukraine after the British collected a giant trove of Prince Andrew's emails and texts that likely incriminate Trump because, if NATO now also has blackmail on him, he can't take Putin's side on everything anymore.

BREAKING: DOJ officials are reportedly urging Republicans in Congress not to criticize or discuss Prince Andrew’s crimes publicly because photo and video evidence collected by British police from Andrew’s home during his arrest “may or may not” implicate Donald Trump.

BREAKING: Republicans are terrified of saying anything bad about Prince Andrew and Ghislaine Maxwell because they know Trump is guilty of the same crimes.

BREAKING: House Republicans are reportedly planning their midterm campaign strategy to revolve around a renewed promise to reveal all the Epstein Files if Republicans keep control of both the House and Senate.

BREAKING: Republican members of Congress keep banning constituents from their town hall events if they ask why the GOP-controlled Congress isn't making Donald Trump and Pam Bondi arrest any of the cannibalistic, rapist pedophile killers in the Epstein Files.

BREAKING: New Mexico officials have reportedly invited Pam Bondi to their upcoming excavation of Epstein’s Zorro Ranch to see if any murder victims’ bodies they find will convince her to stop protecting all the sex-trafficking pedophiles.

BREAKING: Top GOP pollsters warn that if Trump keeps tariffing the world, and starts a war in Iran, and doesn't arrest any other Epstein pedophiles, and keeps stealing billions of tax dollars, "The Dems will win enough Senate seats to impeach him and JD for President Jeffries."

BREAKING: Canadian officials say Donald Trump “doesn’t have the cards” to tariff Canada after the Supreme Court ruled the tariffs unconstitutional.

BREAKING: Pam Bondi is reportedly praying that Don Huffines, the satanic-looking MAGA Republican who suspiciously bought Epstein's Zorro Ranch, has removed all the murdered bodies so the ongoing NM investigation doesn't find any and make her look bad for prosecutorial negligence.

BREAKING: An alien representative says if Trump leaks the government’s UFO files they’ll leak all the Epstein Files.

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly furious that the Supreme Court decided the tariffs are unconstitutional because now he'll have to postpone paying for more ICE concentration camps, the White House ballroom, his "Arc de Trump," and his $10 billion theft for the Board of Peace.

BREAKING: China has reportedly lifted its ban on US news websites for the weekend so the Chinese people can “laugh at and celebrate Donald Trump’s endless humiliations” after his tariffs were ruled unconstitutional, his economy posted awful numbers, and his approval fell more.

Hurray for Europe!

BREAKING: British officials reportedly sent Pam Bondi a videotape of them arresting Prince Andrew with a caption that says, "This is how you hold sex-trafficking pedophiles accountable."

BREAKING: A small number of Republicans who still care about the Constitution and their sacred oaths to preserving it are reportedly threatening to vote with Democrats to oust Mike Johnson from his Speakership if he does not bring up a vote on bombing Iran before Trump orders it.

BREAKING: Donald Trump fell asleep at his "Board of Peace" meeting, and farted so many times while sleeping that the representative from Azerbaijan sitting next to him left the room for the bathroom where he reportedly threw up and then did not return.

BREAKING: British authorities have reportedly begun sending Pam Bondi copies of Prince Andrew's emails collected after his arrest with notes that say, "Since you spilled black all over your copies, here are fresh, uncensored copies that will help you finally arrest someone!"

BREAKING: Donald Trump has reportedly called British Prime Minister Keir Starmer and asked him to appoint Bill Barr to supervise Prince Andrew while he's in police custody.

BREAKING: White House staffers say Donald Trump has been giving off “Jim Jones vibes” since he heard Prince Andrew was arrested and the police have confiscated all his phone records and emails.

BREAKING: Top doctors around the country are warning that Donald Trump's dementia appears to be progressing so fast that it likely won't be long before he forgets where he is and just starts bragging about all the sex-trafficking he did with Epstein on live television.

BREAKING: Mike Johnson is reportedly asking his staff how many days after Donald Trump starts a war with Iran he can get away with telling reporters he hasn’t heard or seen news about it yet.

BREAKING: A top European prosecutor said today, “The American people will greet us as liberators after our subpoenas obtain all the Trumpstein-related emails and bank records, and we reveal just how centrally involved Trump was in the sex-trafficking and money-laundering.”

BREAKING: A conservative group that spends hundreds of thousands of dollars to find evidence of Democratic voter fraud so far has only found guilty Republicans who are also sex offenders.

BREAKING: A national security official says Donald Trump is in a catch-22 where Iranians are threatening to release videos of him sexually assaulting children if he bombs them, and Israel is threatening the same if he doesn’t.

BREAKING: Texas televangelists are organizing to spend millions of dollars against James Talarico’s Senate race because their young congregants keep asking “Satanic questions” about why Talarico’s theology seems so much more like what Jesus preached than the mega churches.