I haven't had a new uncle in 15+ years. This has been hell

Me before da movie "One Battle After Another" and then me after da movie OBAA (One Battle After Another")

all "trumpers" are a little lost if you ask me....

Wiping my ass on the toilet paper roll like a bear rubbing his back on a tree

Eating diarrhea-like foods to trick my body to stop making diarrhea

Wearing my Got Poop? shirt into the bathroom so the guys in there know I'm serious

Just reaching out to see if you have a beautiful wife or not

My car is probably so happy when I don't get into accidents

Hey man the department store called and they said they're all out of you

I wish there were an electric chair big enough for that purple fucking dinosaur

It's a really nice day out if you know where to look

Husband to 1 Father to 3 Boss to 2 (both named Michael)

There's not such thing as a bad crumb. Scientists have never been able to find one

I can already feel my mind expanding

Something to take the edge off

A federal judge just blocked me from peeing every time I poop and ordered me to poop every time I pee Do you guys like this one

The toilet is my therapy. The bidet is my Prozac. The back of shampoo bottles are my self-help books

At the backyard BBQ begging the kids to throw a water balloon at my crotch because I’m about to piss my pants

Jet's has no idea about to call them to order a pizza. They're in for such a treat

*trying to convince my friend McDonald to come out to dinner with me* come on man, I've got some dinner with your name on it

Guess where I am

yeah I'm addicted to soda....soda pants to my body so I don't have to wear a belt anymore

Is this really what she's up to

I feel bad for my toilet when I'm at work all day

Getting my diaper changed for personal reasons

Congrats on your son's first birthday. The playlist I made on March 1st, 2024 also just recently had a birthday

Just about anything could be in here... what do you think it is?

Some of the best sounding stuff in the world is music if you ask me... Do you agree?

Can you guess how many there are? Or is that not something you're capable of?

Do you think this is enough money? Or would you like a little more?

Wow I'm guessing that would smell so delicious

I'm sitting here imagining the sound this makes and I bet it's beautiful

For lunch, I'll probably go for something off the lunch menu. And when dinner comes around I'll opt into something listed on the dinner menu

This would be amazing to receive as a birthday present

I bet a few of these dishes would taste really good

Here's some great news for toy lovers. There's a new type of toy

I bet my life would be quite a bit different if I ever stumbled upon this....

I bet this would feel so good

on my mind...

the ugly store called. Apparently Mike the owner has been accused of killing his wife and they want you to testify as a character witness in his upcoming trial.

Was up all night thinking about this

thinking about this again

My toxic trait is that I think Donald trump should give some honorary DUIs to the hardworking under appreciated uncles in this country

Darden Restaurants, Inc. announcing plans to sell or spin off the Red Lobster brand was definitely NOT on my 2013 bingo card

I want the kind of plastic surgery where I'd still look pretty ok even if I had a bug on my face

I'm trying to do the world's largest lady and the tramp with a 3 mile long piece of spaghetti to prove to Elon musk and Donald trump that they are fucking up bad

I just cannot get enough of this

I get so pissed off when I see somebody not getting excited about there being a wild turkey in the parking lot at work. That pisses me off so bad.

My brand new wife is mad because the hotel that the guy she went to prom with manages sent us an invoice for $4,000 because I stole the mattress that we had sex on for the first time as a married couple from the honeymoon suite. If a husband doesn’t take that can he really call himself a husband?