In the commercials I notice some people wake to the smell of fresh coffee brewing, I wake to the smell of my cat's ass as he sits on my face.

Come home yesterday, the neighbor down the block appears to be walking around his car with a chainsaw. I'm all "WhatTheActualFUck?" Until I notice it's a leaf blower. I feel this says a lot about me and my last eye exam.

I am offering free, thats right FREE, shoveling lessons. Come on over, but hurry, they're free to only the first 6 people who walk thru the door!!

Somebody will not stop crying, fussing and clomping around about how they don't want to take a shower and I wish I would just quit moaning and jump in already.

Oh!! Good reminder, I need to get my beans for @midcamp.org !! #Drupal #CoffeeExchange

I don't give a crap about what Rihanna wore to the Met Gala. I give a crap that my rights are dissolving before my eyes.

I have been walking around with the same dress on and clips in my hair for two days… Here's my number, so call me lazy.

Whenever I start to feel down about my accomplishments (or lack thereof, I remember the dozens of children and old people I've helped step on and off toilets that were too tall or too short for them. Genuinely, I'm a champion.

Yoga class is all about opening the lines of communication between the body and mind. For example, I did some yoga yesterday and my abs, butt, and thighs are telling my mind to fuck off and let them alone.

Note to self... Speaking only in 'Clerks' quotes for a morning is lost on my co-workers.

I'm heading to D.C. for work this year and the kid wants a souvenir when I get back. Maybe it'll be an impeachment.

Is it just me, or do microsoft products and cursing go hand in hand??

Bring beans. Skip the Malört. Drupal Coffee Exchange Wed, March 25 at 9am Salon B – BoF #3 #DrupalCoffeeExchange #DrupalConChicago #Drupal

I just texted my mom and put the phone to my ear waiting for her to respond. And this was one of the smartest things I did so far this morning.

People I hate while trying to pull into the gas station. Everybody. I hate everybody while trying to pull into the gas station.

I just put on perfume to record a podcast. I either have had too much coffee... or not enough

Morning reminder: A11yTalks premieres today at noon ET! We’re sharing a quick look at our milestones + 2026 roadmap, then taking questions from “The Oracle of Inclusion” (an AI prompt generator). Hope you can join us. youtu.be/s3zFZAd1U6M #accessibility #a11y #A11yTalks

Once in awhile you get shone the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right. Sometimes in the case of those cars that have the LED lamps, The lights shine so bright in your eyes it doesn’t matter which way you look at it, you’re blind.

its time to harvest the crust from your eyes....

What happens when the last thing you listen to before going to bed is one of your favorite bands? You dream that AFI is doing a small surprise show at the ale house you frequent. Then you wake up and you’re sad because it was all a lie. And now you have no purpose in your day.

I found $3 in change in the bottom of my purse and my first thought was, "Rad! Now I can buy a battery for my geocaching GPS." Because the Nerd Life can be dazzling as shit.

Me: Why the hell can I never find a damn lighter?! *pulls clothes out of the washer, finds 17 lighters, 10 wet receipts, granola bars I forgot about and Jimmy Hoffa

Yesterday I spent 5 min waiting for the cold water to heat up in the shower. #IAmTheReasonCaliforniaIsInDrought

I am continually amazed that I have grown beings inside my body, and that I am responsible for the care and management of said beings, yet I lose my mug of coffee 291 times a day.

To follow up on my last post, just to be clear. Under no circumstances do I want to see your rash.

Why? Why do people think because I’m a nurse I want to see their rash?

Send reinforcements... Young Stink has been making a long story short for the past ten minutes.

I found a new podcast this month. The title is “It’s a Wonderful Lie”. They read family holiday newsletters & guess what really happened. It was pretty hilarious because those newsletters are always so ridiculously fake. Everyone remembers when Little Tommy was busted for meth Clare!

Going to the zoo today and already know the hippos are going to feel personally relatable. Built for warmth. Emotionally prepared for snacks.

I'm not saying I REALLY need a haircut and a shower, but I just got up, walked across the room, and a paper clip fell out of my hair. OK. PigPen from the Peanuts gang. Oh, I'm not shaming me, it’s just upkeep and grooming hasn't really been on my radar.

It's hard to feel like a grownup when my legs aren't long enough to have my feet reach the floor when I sit at the supper table...

Christmas snacks hit like a full-time job. I have another meal scheduled in 30 minutes and my stomach is asking for a union break.

I always thought the saying was 'Tis the season to be jolly'. It's not. According to my experience this morning, the saying is 'Tis the season to be an asshole in the hardware store parking lot'.

Good fences make good neighbors. So does owning a leaf blower and understanding it is not a musical instrument to be used on a Sunday morning

I just cleaned out my refrigerator. I'm surprised that I came out of it alive, but more amazed that no one is standing here giving me an award or booze. Cause I totally deserve both.

I "secured a friend for life" by being nice to someone who was both mean and an idiot. I have regrets about my day.

I'm here to wrap presents and drink greyhounds... and I'm all out of presents.

Are you a #Drupal community member and have hobbies outside of Drupal? Really? 😛 Is one of those hobbies some type of crafting? 🎨✂️ If so, the Community Working Group is looking for someone to craft this year's Aaron Winborn Award… 🏆 www.drupal.org/community/cw...

I typed "I love Christmas music", but it autocorrected to "Christmas mucus" which is pretty right on for the current state of all the things. Maybe my phone is still on the pandemic autocorrect option...

Every perfume smells either too sweet or too strong. Either too old lady or preteen. I 50 yrs old and still don’t know what I should smell like, so I’m sticking with coffee, vodka, fried tofu, and quiet regret.

I'm smart, but not "remembers to take off the seatbelt before getting out of the car" smart.

I just found a fork in the spoon part of the drawer. This week is already spiraling out of control.

A friend eloped yesterday. I found parchment paper on sale. Pretty big week for both of us, I guess.

I pulled apart half my bedroom looking for the source of a weird noise before realizing it was my own phone vibrating in my pocket. Thinking about framing my degrees under “decorative only.”

I just saved $125 shopping online because I'm too lazy to go get my credit card from the other room.

My phone just autocorrected "thanksgiving" to "thanks f'ing". I am glad somebody gets me.

“You look a lot older in person.” -A thing a bitch just said to me this week.

Be mindful of what’s in your front sweatshirt pocket. Case in point… that neatly discreetly folded panty liner in pink plastic? It’s not so discreet when it comes unwrapped and sticks to your handkerchief when you pull it out to wipe your nose in front of your new neighbors.

I already need a nap

Do you ever lie in bed in the quiet and think about the important people in your life? Sometimes, they are strangers and you don't even know their their names. For instance, whoever invented Cholula. I don't know your name, but you are very important. Thank you.