He don't want to be shacked up with a woman old enough to remember Maigret.

Powder shadows this season come in all shades of the speculum.

Sex... sex... more sex. You'd all be much better off with an 800 piece jigsaw.

A funny thing happened to me a bit ago: I got pregnant. I don't know how that happened. Honestly, you lose concentration for one minute...

With Raymond I can go into any key I like and he'll eventually track it down.

Here's your cocktail. Don't blame me if you run out of stomach lining.

There's no emergency bell, but we can be summoned by a thump.

"It's a melting pot, Stan. We're just going to toss ideas into the pot." "It's a tosspot."

Could you possibly fetch my briefcase, Mrs Overall? I wish to show Miss Babs my theodolite.

Bet you've never seen a medallion hung round that before!

First day at work and you're putting a dead cat in the fountain. What are you going to do by Friday? Throttle a goat in the main car park?

And as Phillipa climbs out of that piranha tank, I'm sure she won't mind me letting you into a little secret: she's actually in the fourth week of a very serious nervous breakdown.

What people don't realise is you don't have to be rich to be interesting.

Don't push me. I've been on hold for twenty-six minutes.

She was low; she had post-natal depression. She showed me the baby. And then I had it as well.

There was no dyslexia in those days. You sat at the back with raffia.

I went camping years ago with my boyfriend in this little green canvas thing that a Scoutmaster had been arrested in in 1957.

You could be in tears every night watching the news. Ethiopia, Serbia, the Kurds. We have Gardener's World on now, it's a lot less harrowing.

"You know that film where he lives in a windmill and the sweets make a noise and Barbara Windsor's got a long skirt on?" "No." "And there's a car that flies." "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang."

He's embraced the idea of the plunge neckline and applied it to the back of his trousers.

"What's the soup dear?" "Country vegetable." "What country, Taiwan?"

I'm sure it's very alluring in the bedroom but you can't be fiddling with your crotch when there's a queue building.

Tomorrow's play is Fitted Kitchen, Ill-Fitting Relationships, and it stars... someone I don't like, I'm afraid.

Have you always been a bit thick, Christine, or did you have to do an evening class?

Normally it's a few dodgy pies and a disco. It's show up, throw up and bog off home.

I tell you what I couldn't bear - Chariots of Fire. It made me heave. A film about running and it's in slow motion. Unbelievable.

Page boy haircuts: can they cause depression?

The Spaniards may have enormous onions, but their manners leave a lot to be desired.

I said I'll have a pint of Babycham, some pork scratchings and a yellow cherry.

"The other night, your curtains were open." "Yes. A badger had got in my pelmet."

"Did you watch the news last night?" "The nine o'clock?" "Nasty blouse!"

He's in Guernsey now, and strictly speaking I can't set foot in the Channel Islands.

We all experience stress in our daily lives. Some of us may have more than one home to run, or may even have some sort of a job.

Please note that we are no longer dealing with diarrhoea or gonorrhoea as these are causing repetitive strain injury for the girls typing the invoices.

Go gay Jean. There are some lovely girls around.

You've got millions of friends. They can't all be skiing, the Alps would tip over.

"You're separated aren't you?" "He's living in the loft. He's got the lilo and the slow cooker. We don't speak."

I should put a hot drinks machine in the Houses of Parliament and turn it into a leisure centre. The income from that would pay off the national debt and we could all meet in Helen Murchison's extension.

"What happened about your sidelight?" "Twenty-seven pounds." "And they still won't bring back hanging."

We never got woken with a teasmaid. We were knocked up every morning by a man with a six-foot pole.

As Gerard Depardieu said to me that day in Deauville, what's the point in having a big nose if you can't jam a banana up it?

"Marcus prefers petite women." "Yes, because they're easier to tread on."

A friend of mine had bits taken off here, bits taken off here, bits taken off here. In fact she had so many bits left over they made her a matching handbag.

Hello Jean. Mmm, your lavatory smells fresh!

"Tiffany had lost four pounds." "That's very good." "She ate this old kebab she found in her handbag. Been throwing up all week."

This'll be Tony Blair. I suppose he thinks if we all take in one old lady he can close the day centres and turn them into cappuccino bars.

They hit the pub, and Tracy's demeanour, Reminds you of a loopy hyena, They have sixteen gins and a rum and Ribena And this is before they've sat down.

This is my 85th cup of tea since I left Crewe. My stomach feels like the inside of an infant teacher's handbag.

"That's ridiculous. They've charged us for seven Laughing Cavaliers." "It must be a misprint. I'm sure we only ordered four."

My husband took terrible liberties of an intimate nature. In fact I still can't look at Dream Topping.