Birthday brunch, bro! 🤘🥐🍹🎁

Physically, I’m lying in bed regretting every decision I’ve ever made. Mentally, I’m rescuing animals and solving the bermuda triangle mystery.

It’s called nuance and I intend to bludgeon you with it.

I hope both teams lose🛸🏈 #SuperBowlLIX

Let’s be real, if you’re not popping a beer and prepping a plate of food during the National Anthem, you’re a liar and a commie. #SuperBowlLIX

I wanna be part of a scheme. Not like a pyramid one, just maybe a little heist or somethin’.

Online dating was my least favorite way of catching up with old high school friends.

I don’t actually want a cocaine habit, I just want enough money I *could* have a cocaine habit.

You should have to defeat John Cena in order to become president.

I don't personally know Dolly Parton, but I assume when she walks by wilting flowers they perk right up.

Hey, it me!👋 Gift accordingly! 🥳🧁🍨🦉

Life hack: die young

No matter how well I’ve slept, I have never once woken up refreshed and excited to start the day.

Laughter is the best medicine; sex is the actual cure.

You’re not an adult when you turn 18. You're an adult when all your hopes and dreams have been crushed.

Kinda rude that nobody wants to go to the gym for me.

I’m not answering your question you asked me on your device that has internet and search engines.

I waited 10 minutes for room service to bring my coffee before remembering I'm at home and need to make it myself.

THINGS THAT AREN'T REAL: Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, Heather Locklear, my metabolism, the American dream, serving sizes, Miss Cleo, being well-rested, and cute photos of your baby.

When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”

“This cashier is a dipshit.” - Me at self checkout

Know what I could really use right now? A montage.

Find someone who makes you happy. Even if they're a garbage person. That's totally fine.

I almost started working on my personal relationships but then the wifi came back on. That was a close one.

Shazam but to see if someone’s a waste of time.

You have a PhD? That's cool. I made a playlist of all the songs Bad Boy Records sampled in the 90’s.

If you can’t tell me where you were during the OJ Simpson car chase, I don’t don’t need to hear your life advice, thanks.

“Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, no job is too big. No fee is too big!”