Psychiatrist has a new diagnosis for me... C-PTSD 🫠

Happy Pride Month! I wouldn't particularly consider myself queer because I'm a cis woman in a het relationship, but over the years I've been making efforts to deprogram myself from my very conservative upbringing and be more accommodating and accepting of the diverse array of genders and sexualities

Was gonna actually try drawing today but Fennel said no at any moment I picked up my tablet pen. Fucker is laying on my desk and sleeping on my TourBox and blocking access to my keyboard. You'll probably insist I pick him up and move him, but this cat is so full of spite, he'll just come back.

I've been so lethargic this weekend. I can barely eat food. I just have no desire to eat, and when I force myself to eat the sensation of chewing and swallowing feels unpleasant. I hope my medication isn't like rewiring my brain chemistry and making me hate food just because I'm losing weight.

Big shoutout to my fellow artists who have disappointed families that wished they didn't pursue art as a career or a means to get by. Like yeah, paying off rent via commission work is tough, but it's also kinda amazing too. Life is meant to have struggles though, it makes the rewards all the better.

Went to bed early last night and thus woke up at a reasonable time this morning, but I still feel like I could sleep another couple of hours lol

It makes sense to me that my depressive outcries on here would shoo people away and make them unfollow me and I don't blame anyone for choosing to do so, keep negativity out of your life and all that jazz, but it still makes me kinda sad seeing digits go down because of potential connectivity.

I might be autistic because I swear when I rev up a topic of discussion I go on a tangent about something else in relation to the topic instead... I hope what I said made sense to people and came across as intended...

This isn't prompted by anything, but when it comes to artwork, I genuinely don't care what depraved taboo fetish(es) you choose to engage with. What you get off to has no relation to your moral standing or character. People need to stop being so prudish and puritanical over artistic expression.

I'm laying in bed and Nilla is sprawled out along my leg and making biscuits on both sides of my foot while suckling on the blanket lol

Talked with my boyfriend and tried to be more transparent about my feelings in a way that could be understood instead of vying for validation and leaving people wondering exactly what I'm looking for. I'm a very emotionally vulnerable person, and I just want that kind of interaction in turn.

Can you guys tell me something you like about me, I'm not in a good place mentally right now...

Anyway, hi I'm Nyx and I have horrible depression if you couldn't already tell 🤪

I'm still kinda thinking about how much more successful a lot of my long-time art friends are. Many of them working in games or animation, as musicians or clean-up artists or spriters and whatnot. And as for myself, I got scoped for one contract and failed to meet criteria during the initial test.

Genuinely hoping I can pick up a new job soon because I could really use the health insurance to seek out therapy again. And like, actively do sessions as opposed to being given 3 - 6 weeks of sessions at a time. 🫩 Would also help with the psychiatry appointments and medication costs too...

I think I'm at that point where I check all my social stuff in bed once I wake up, and when nothing is actively going on I decide that getting out of bed and going to my desk and PC isn't worth it and fall back to sleep.

Revisiting Hyadain's Mega Man 2 remixes and remembering I had a very strong gravitation towards Heat Man just because his song was the horniest one Hyadain made me want to get fucked raw by a sentient zippo lighter

help my cat is turning me into flaky, fluffy buttermilk biscuits

smashing my cranium against the bowed edge of my desk I've been awake for several hours and have gotten absolutely nothing done today I keep checking discord servers and twitch streams for any means of interactivity and engagement and I'm getting nothing done while I constantly click for updates 😭

Sorry about the severe lack of art lately. I should probably feel more liberated and productive now that I'm without a job to adhere to for the time being, but I'm just more stressed out if anything. Been very depressed and self-destructive lately, afraid for my future and my well-being...

I haven't really gone public with this but I guess since I'm filling out unemployment forms and stuff, I might as well admit that I've been let go. I've mixed emotions about it, simply because while I'm happy to be detached from a workspace that bore no fruit, I worry about my future even more so.

My eyes burn so much I can't even shut my eyelids and go to sleep

I like how relatively affordable my SSRI refills are despite the lack of insurance, but then there's my antipsychotic and for some reason its market price is in the four-digit range. Every time I go to get my refills I have to beg my pharmacy to GoodRx it or something. 🤔

Sometimes I get a longing to reach out to fellow artists that I've known for ages but they have since made names for themselves and worked on major projects and stuff, and it feels weird wanting to reconnect because I don't wanna come off like some opportunist trying to piggyback off their success.

Been heavily picking at my scalp lately and I have so many little wounds and scabs all over the surface of my head, and I keep reopening those wounds too 😞

bwehh, I need more commissions to cover the cost of upcoming bills at the end of the month in addition to groceries and medication 😔

My comfy lounge pants keep slipping off my waist nowadays

Anyway, what is up my caucauzoid nation

Thinking that my suspension of disbelief and/or my imagination is just stunted at this point because there's a lot of subjects and themes in fictional media that genuinely do not appeal to me at all. I've struggled with this issue for ages and it's very hard to find new things to take interest in.

I think you should give me head scritches :3

I can't remember the last time I actually felt passionate about something. I wish I knew how to develop a fixation or just some enthusiasm for something. I feel like I've been devoid of pleasure and a genuine sense of elation when it comes to anything. Like, I'm perpetually jaded and numb to stuff.

I keep doing that thing where I swap between my accounts here on bsky and check my notifications and refresh them every two minutes and then close the tab when nothing new comes up only to reopen the tab and do the process all over again <<;;

When I first started drawing vore I used to search around on /d/ to see if people had anything to say about my art, good or bad. But ever since someone assumed I blew my Patreon earnings on a smart fridge when I was still living with my dad, I stopped taking the feedback from anons seriously.

Clearsky this, blocklist that, I just wanna see who added me to their starter packs and cool follow lists :3c

Haven't eaten in over 24 hours and haven't slept beyond a two hour nap... Send food... and a pillow 😭

Haven't really slept much at all today and I just remembered my mom and aunt are coming over tomorrow and I haven't cleaned this place up 🫩

Honestly surprised I'm not diagnosed with bipolar disorder given how often I come here to bitch and moan about how much I suck and then a few hours later I do a 180 and start whining for praise because I want my fragile ego stroked and demand appreciation for myself and my art.

Some old Nyx piss sketches I should really clean up one of these days

Trawling through my old art and showing it off to my boyfriend and folks in my server just to feel something. Been feeling inexplicably low lately so I figured showing off art people maybe haven't seen or at least fondly recall could lift my mood and esteem a bit. It's nice to receive feedback...

Been digging deep into my .SAI/.SAI2 files from the past several years and seeing a lot of my perfectionism shine through in just how detailed the drawings have been. I used very thin lines and lots of hatching. I even have a lot of "rough sketches" that had genuine time and effort put into them.

The only progress I'm making is the weight loss, it was stagnating for a bit because I was so depressed I was just eating out of misery, but I seem to be back on track and I'm down 7lbs from when I last weighed myself

Old sequence of Mirai from Senran Kagura unbirthing some of her fellow shinobi @orchestration.bsky.social commissioned this sequence

An old sketch of Naera for @garlicknott.bsky.social

Old drawing of Hashimoto Nyaa from Osomatsu-san

I'm certain I've already posted these but I'll do it again since it's Mother's Day @tsukijitums.bsky.social commissioned these way back when

Sketches from 2020

Boyfriend gave me head scritches while I fell asleep on him for a little bit. I feel somewhat better. I am a simple creature (sometimes).

Sketches from 2020

Permission to draw like absolute dogshit, your honor?

I really need to do some sort of introspective deep dive and figure out what my major malfunction is when it comes to this lack of self-esteem. Constantly depriving myself of joy and intrigue in things is actively preventing any sort of enrichment from actually affecting me in a positive manner.