me and my friends have this game we have called "Noob, Pro, Hacker" and its basically spin the bottle but instead of kissing we throw heavy things at eachothers heads like bricks and logs

im gonna prank bejeweled 3 when it's gameplay loop stops making my prostate quaver and twitch like a fig full of jubilant wasps

i green lights all the way home im so pent up

he was so fucked up for this

(explaining blender to a simpsons) ok so imagine a donut,

fool me once, tweedle dee dee fool me twice, fiddle dee doo

me watching the new phineas and ferb remake: i hear that they made it trendier to appeal to more politically inclined viewers doofinshmirtz: i call this one the fingerinator, it will finger everyone me: excuse me

i gave my son some gasoline so that he would go faster

here are some tips and tricks to get dates instantly: 1. have a secret third eyebrow 2. good outfit

im gonna start a house flipping reality TVshow with my wife Gearl and its gonna be called House Glop. The premise will be that every episode some poor people are unhappy with there house so i fill it with my slime

i smuggle one zillion termites onto the plane, fuck TSA

this season always reminds me of when i was still alive and grandma earl used to run the Cart Ride set around the tree.............. Happly Holidays from youre Earl family to yours P{;ease enjoy this Holiday E-Card.

"i feel kinda silly for admitting this but im actually really nervous, this is my first time on a cart rid-"

like this post if you agree pencil graphite is the healthiest breakfast food

i’m working on a netflix animated short series called Earl Adventures and there will be an episode where i eat a lot of food and get a hideously distended stomach for no fucking reason

i let Omar crash at my place and he ate all my dinners without asking, that shit was from star market 💥

do we think i could win a wrestling match against someone big and strong, like perhaps the incredible gulk

we should replace all vegetables with rougelikes and clinically perscribed stimulants and jacking off multiple times in one morning,

when the plumber at your house bends over to fix a pipes and his/their pants fall everywhere, all over the place, revealing his entire bum, good lord in heaven

jimmy fallon gets an iced cream flavour BUT I DONT? ⁉️ WHAT ⁉️⁉️⁉️

she give me a sweepjob she jerk my shit off with the broom

saw some hotr sexy sex porn and you didnt jerk your penis #NotVeryStrokeOfYou

the sheer number of youtube videos i’ve seen in my fyp today with a title like “white comic slips up in front of famished black crowd, ends up buttered and basted with an apple in his mouth!” and the thumbnail just looks like this

when youre eating your dry kibble and you get to the spoonful of canned pumpkin

who else wants to petition that FilmCow gets canonized as Saint Steele

can we please for the love of god bring back the Jeremy Renner App i’m nothing without it

mozart been real quiet ever since they dropped El Polito Pio

getting robo implants so that i can wordle on my butt cheeks

*walks in wearing a shirt that says "I did the titanic" in large impact font and a pair of bootleg jordans with a logo that looks like this*

NOOOO PUT ME BACK I WAS WATCHING HOODWINKED AND JUST GOT TO THE SCHNITZEL SONG

look for me in the papers tomorrow i'm getting crunk with My Boy over Dinner

I just sent charlie kirk to the phantom zone from the lego batman movie

me: *stubs toe on coffee table* fuck! this has to be the DARK SOULS of tables! bendy: the ink machine

I am a chef from Israel and this is my meal ❤️

dora when she tries to cross the bridge but that hairy bitch jumps out and stops her because he’s a mean peice of shit

what if in the next pacific rim they used a giant mech content farm to brain rot the monsters

i have a crush on a handsome young man named Video Cartridge Game, physical copy

i was the first person in history to master the hands free cum, but then they stole my idea and rebranded that shit as “yoga“

steve harvey: name a binary character who has secret non-binary swag contestant: Frylock from Aqua teen hunger force steve! steve: fry who from aqua team what?! *third place on the board dings and flips* *mr harvey leans on the podium for support and rubs his brow incredulously*

gagoogago hafffgfgjjjjlp 🫡 ‼️ po

my car is powered by special rare green fuel that’s usually only reserved for saint patricks day celebrations and post-game secret objectives

you know what! fuck this! *transforms into humongous mecha earl* *begins destroying the city*

Jobs are dumb why can’t i just fap and play rougelikes until i’m killed by war or disease

aunt glump

the masculine urge to do the super mario ground pound

I like to think that Jimmy Lightning would easily fall victim to Anton Chigur