Always thought it was sad that Ayn Rand—one of the most successful authors of children's fantasy books of all time—had little enough saved in the bank in her old age that she had to rely on public assistance until her death, but I'm glad it was there for her.

frantically googling "how to make all my friends sign NDAs that cover the last 15 years"

oh look, I found your mom's favorite hard candy

jk rowling naming irish characters like "this is potat o'famine"

why the fuck is cardamom so expensive

now welcoming investors for my groundbreaking wartime anime reboot, "bridge across the river kawaii"

I bet this dude has a mondo weenie

why the fuck does it even go that low

in the white house, straight up "jorkin' it" and by "it" let's just say, ha ha, my plenus

overheard in London just now: "oh SHIT you don't have foreskin, do you?"

do we think it's a matter of weeks or months before the Trump administration embraces the advanced legal strategy known as "terroristsayswhat"

the tourist vibes I aspire to

you never truly realize just how much of a yapper you are until you fully lose your ability to speak to quote my partner: "I've never seen you get ratio'd so hard before"

I went to the cuddle pub and everyone knew you

this should be the universal symbol for unisex bathrooms

it's just...so beautiful

struggling to decide if I want to conduct my studies in the bone building or the royal school of mines

introduced as WHAT

one must imagine Sisyphus rocking out

not to be an unhinged conspiracy theorist but anyone who is actually anti-ICE is FAR more likely to have written "fuck ICE" in their hastily scribbled inkpen manifesto

it's so easy to workout and get enough protein, all you have to do is orient your entire life around them

it's not easy being the funniest person in the work group chat but someone has to do it

getting a coffee mug that says "don't talk to me until I've immanentized the eschaton"

she chop on my suey 'til I GRABABRUSHANDPUTALITTLEMAKEUP

my pronouns are hea/then

mfw I want to do discourse but I probably shouldn't do discourse

I must not engage in discourse discourse is the vibe killer

I've been wearing a cape for exactly two minutes and it's already both the most annoying and most majestic thing I've ever worn

for some reason, my lunch of champions (cheap sushi and monster energy drink) has left me with slight inner turmoil (physically and emotionally)

I never feel more nationalistic than when I have to scroll for five seconds to get to "United States" in a drop down menu

buzzball 2.0 just dropped

what the fuck is happening at this Wendy's

this is the only decoration I want for my next birthday

god on the sixth day be like

Achievement Unlocked! Walked Through Wet Concrete

fun fact: walking fewer than 10,000 steps per day has the equivalent effect on your health as smoking 1,117 cigarettes per hour truly unbelievable how the human body works

man I'm having such a good fucking day

absolutely raw dogging it at the gym on a Saturday morning, no caffeine, no ADHD meds, and minimal carbs I will never make this mistake again

having just now been addressed this way exactly once, I will only be responding to the greeting "what's up, playboy"

if I ever go silent for more than a week, you can always find me at

you know the economy is bad if you're getting medical procedures done at a burger restaurant

I have no ghosts and I must bust

putting AI in ms paint... these are sick, dangerous people

baton down the rouge

this is why it's called death metal RIP to the real bat man

I had a nightmare last night in which I was forced to eat a protein bar with suboptimal macros I wish this was a joke

I need to figure out how to go back in time and knock some sense into 11-year old me after discovering I have a pokemon card that, if it were in pristine condition, would be worth $4,000

"what are your intentions with my daughter?"

what's going on with my "crankers," and in some cases, "wankers?"

I've got it on good authority that andrew cuomo has no pubes he's pubeless can we really trust such a man to lead the greatest city in the world a man with pelvic alopecia unlikely