based on the visceral reaction of the room upon its unwrapping, I have determined the peak white elephant gift is a 12 pack of zero sugar monster energy drinks

"no bitches? simple, go visit pagliussy" "but doctor..."

they said it was impossible they said it couldn't be done that a man with such scrambled brains could never accomplish such a feat but here I am, standing atop the mountain, victorious (I logged a task in Asana for the first time)

I may have just had the worst/greatest marketing idea of all time

how it feels to be a Pepsi drinker surrounded by Coke heads

me going for the last slice of pizza and making sure no one else wanted it

haha what a funny joke, I wonder what the clip actually says ...oh

"you look like you lift" thanks it's a load-bearing part of my personality

me: I have finally learned how to say the word "no" everyone else:

becoming radicalized by the fact that a bag of doritos and a 2 liter of mountain dew is now over $10

"what are ya lookin' at, smoothskin?"

if I make any reference to getting back into any MMORPG between Thanksgiving and Christmas, my followers have my blanket permission to come into my home and take my computer away

you love mamdani I love domme mommies we're not...shit, wait, we probably are the same, actually

I need the teacher from Whiplash to come out before every metal concert I attend to show these nerds how to clap in time

not only did I do karaoke 100% sober last night, I was the only person of the night to get a standing ovation from a room full of 60 people I am becoming unstoppable

me whenever I finish my current caffeinated beverage

visit pagliacci

please, I'm just trying to go to work, not fucking Narnia

Trump: After eight months, I have decided to stop stabbing you with this knife Trump supporters: thank you, sir 🫡

how I feel after telling people with anxiety to just chill out

in the cave, straight up "sporin' it" and by it, let's just say, ha ha mycelium

this sounds like something the crowd would start chanting at a Trump rally

the initial batch has arrived and none of you are ready for it

misgendered? oh, is there a Mr. Gendered?

it's so sad that dick cheney died of ligma

one like and I become a cardigan guy for the winter

oh you're a leftist? name three annoying leftists, then

I would like to recognize Einstein Bros for revolutionizing the fast casual bagel industry Through what I can only assume is an incredible feat of science, they have managed to remove even the concept of flavor from their food

I wish I loved anything as much as ChatGPT loves em dashes

this is a drill tweet

my waffle cone just snapped in half when I went in for a second bite of ice cream and I fear I may never trust again

I am definitely NOT graham platner by the way

Always thought it was sad that Ayn Rand—one of the most successful authors of children's fantasy books of all time—had little enough saved in the bank in her old age that she had to rely on public assistance until her death, but I'm glad it was there for her.

frantically googling "how to make all my friends sign NDAs that cover the last 15 years"

oh look, I found your mom's favorite hard candy

jk rowling naming irish characters like "this is potat o'famine"

why the fuck is cardamom so expensive

now welcoming investors for my groundbreaking wartime anime reboot, "bridge across the river kawaii"

I bet this dude has a mondo weenie

why the fuck does it even go that low

overheard in London just now: "oh SHIT you don't have foreskin, do you?"

do we think it's a matter of weeks or months before the Trump administration embraces the advanced legal strategy known as "terroristsayswhat"

the tourist vibes I aspire to

you never truly realize just how much of a yapper you are until you fully lose your ability to speak to quote my partner: "I've never seen you get ratio'd so hard before"

I went to the cuddle pub and everyone knew you

this should be the universal symbol for unisex bathrooms

it's just...so beautiful

struggling to decide if I want to conduct my studies in the bone building or the royal school of mines

introduced as WHAT