I used to think that the Inheritance Tax should be be 110%. I now see that was wrong and naive. The Inheritance Tax should be 125%.

“Hey Siri, who was President 30 months ago?”

What if I want an above-average penis? How much more is that?

Claiming that “prices are coming down so low, like never before” and also saying “you don’t want deflation” is evidence of a brain so smooth it could be used to calibrate telescope lenses.

Absolutely starting 2026 by opening all of my work emails with “Hi Ben, this is Michael from computer”. Intend to do this even if the recipient isn’t named Ben.

Good genes.

Their wedding song was “My Guitar Wants to Kill Your Mama” by Frank Zappa, but instead of “guitar” is was “easily accessible AR-15” and instead of “mama” it was “brown people”.

ChatGPT: Cut the baby in half. Me: wtf? ChatGPT: You’re right! I didn’t consider that you’d want a live baby. Would you like me to offer other suggestions that don’t involve infanticide?

Netflix to be invited to a Turkish embassy.

Wife: I asked you if you cleaned out the garage, and you said “yes”. Me: The narrative has shifted.

Not enough people comment on this, but “Tom Cotton” is an anagram for “Evil Cunt”.

So telling that a venture capitalist thinks the answer to “is there enough medicine for my child” should be “get on the floor, you hog”, and the Democratic leadership is intrigued.

1. Select a serving platter from Tiffany & Co to place at the exhaust of your John Deere Turkey Chipper. 2. Boil six boxes of Price Chopper elbow macaroni in distilled water. 3. Order a dozen croissant from Boulangerie Poilâne in Paris. Throw them in the trash and open two tubes of Pillsbury.

This is a category error. The “press” exists to serve the interests of the shareholders and executives of the corporations that employ them. To misunderstand this also serves their interests.

Wait until she finds out that Kosher-for-Passover Coke and Mexican Coke are the same Coke.

Remember how there was like 20 movies in the ‘90s that were like “drugs are super bad, but this dude is an undercover cop, so he has to do them, and did you noticed that drugs are actually super cool?”, but now it’s the official GOP position about the President and molesting children?

Huh:

When your grades were amazing, but your report card fell out of your backpack and has been irretrievably lost…

WIFE: You’ve cleaned out the garage ME: Yes WIFE: Even though the garage is still dirty? ME: Well I guess there’s ups and downs and seasonals

“Director Pulte also covered his eyes with his hands, and the President got scared, thinking he himself had become invisible…”

Jeff Bezos, watching Fred Flintstone slide down the back of the brontosaurus as soon as the whistle sounds: “goddamn Mamdani-inspired socialist dystopia.”

In the conversation for the dumbest political statement of 2025, and brother, the competition is *steep*…

Connecticut is mostly rural, leafy and sparsely populated. If Montana, the Dakotas, Idaho, and Wyoming had the population density of Connecticut, we could double the U.S. population. Anyone who tells you he wants to “eliminate 100 million people” has reasons beyond housing policy.

A significant fraction of your friends, family and neighbors believe this is the pinnacle of masculine virility. They are happy that a man of this caliber is accumulating unprecedented, unaccountable power. Things are proceeding as they hoped they would.

There will be two. They will be “Government-sponsored Enterprises”. We’ll call them “Chippy-Mae” and “Chippy-Mac”.

Bari, interviewing her security detail: “and if someone yells ‘boo’ and makes a thumbs-down gesture, do you immediately shoot them or do I need to give you a sign?”

Solid advice from the richest man in the world, Cockface Smugfuckery III, or whatever his name is…

If, during the course of your job, you find yourself composing an email that says “actually, it’s illegal to help hungry people eat”, fill your pockets with rocks and walk into the ocean.

Vance only wants to live next to people who talk like him, so he’ll be relocating to 1939 Germany.

Tim Walz is obvious a skilled public communicator, and you should never tell someone their job is easy, but holy Christmas why is virtually every other Dem politician so bad at this? This is like: “It’s the eighth inning of a blowout and the shortstop is pitching. Just don’t embarrass yourself…”

The next Dem president should do to the IRS what Trump did to ICE. 10x their enforcement budget, arm them to the teeth, and have them repel from Blackhawk helicopters into boardrooms, country clubs and owner’s boxes to shake these goblins by their ankles until every last penny falls out.

Why does everyone keep calling it “The Epstein Ballroom?” Please stop repeating “The Epstein Ballroom” because it is not called “The Epstein Ballroom!” Don’t tell the news that it’s called “The Epstein Ballroom” and please don’t repost this!!!!!

If you voluntarily connected your bed to the Internet, and then an Internet malfunction caused your bed to capture and cook you, I feel the universe is still in balance… www.dexerto.com/entertainmen...

Me, with a warm vial: “Please count my particles…”

Reporter: “Speaker Johnson, the President has just asserted the right of “Retroactive Prima Nocta” and will be at your home tonight. Any comment?” Johnson: “This is the first I’m hearing of it; I’ll have to get back to you.”

Yes

OK

Cunt:

We can look forward to not reading about it in the LA Times, Washington Post, CBS News, on Facebook, on Instagram, on Twitter, and (soon) on TikTok. But, we can still learn from the NY Times and Morning Joe how, actually, the Democrats are just as bad.

What was the toilet powered by before? I thought it was water. Was it actually plutonium and the mushrooms are an upgrade?

“I can only finish by stabbing someone with a fancy saber…”

brb switching from tylenol to paracetamol so I dont catch the ‘tism

Congratulations to our new U.S. Ambassador to the World Trade Organization

Lots of MAGA women about to discover that the “America” in “Make America Great Again” absolutely does not include them.

No worries. This will be offset by RFK Jr’s boost to the pediatric coffin industry.

Guys… When Bill Kristol is dunking on your boy from the left… I don’t know what to tell you, bro…

It doesn’t make up for… all of this, but genuinely funny to me that what counts as a “classical education” in 2025 is having watched a Zach Snyder film in 2006 with your pants at your ankles…

Imagine poisoning your brain with something stupid, like software, instead of something fun, like alcohol?

No matter what it gets you, for the rest of your life, you’ll know the whole country watched you suck a dick on live TV.