Tim Walz is obvious a skilled public communicator, and you should never tell someone their job is easy, but holy Christmas why is virtually every other Dem politician so bad at this? This is like: “It’s the eighth inning of a blowout and the shortstop is pitching. Just don’t embarrass yourself…”

The next Dem president should do to the IRS what Trump did to ICE. 10x their enforcement budget, arm them to the teeth, and have them repel from Blackhawk helicopters into boardrooms, country clubs and owner’s boxes to shake these goblins by their ankles until every last penny falls out.

Why does everyone keep calling it “The Epstein Ballroom?” Please stop repeating “The Epstein Ballroom” because it is not called “The Epstein Ballroom!” Don’t tell the news that it’s called “The Epstein Ballroom” and please don’t repost this!!!!!

If you voluntarily connected your bed to the Internet, and then an Internet malfunction caused your bed to capture and cook you, I feel the universe is still in balance… www.dexerto.com/entertainmen...

Me, with a warm vial: “Please count my particles…”

Reporter: “Speaker Johnson, the President has just asserted the right of “Retroactive Prima Nocta” and will be at your home tonight. Any comment?” Johnson: “This is the first I’m hearing of it; I’ll have to get back to you.”

Yes

OK

Cunt:

We can look forward to not reading about it in the LA Times, Washington Post, CBS News, on Facebook, on Instagram, on Twitter, and (soon) on TikTok. But, we can still learn from the NY Times and Morning Joe how, actually, the Democrats are just as bad.

What was the toilet powered by before? I thought it was water. Was it actually plutonium and the mushrooms are an upgrade?

“I can only finish by stabbing someone with a fancy saber…”

brb switching from tylenol to paracetamol so I dont catch the ‘tism

Congratulations to our new U.S. Ambassador to the World Trade Organization

Lots of MAGA women about to discover that the “America” in “Make America Great Again” absolutely does not include them.

No worries. This will be offset by RFK Jr’s boost to the pediatric coffin industry.

Guys… When Bill Kristol is dunking on your boy from the left… I don’t know what to tell you, bro…

It doesn’t make up for… all of this, but genuinely funny to me that what counts as a “classical education” in 2025 is having watched a Zach Snyder film in 2006 with your pants at your ankles…

Imagine poisoning your brain with something stupid, like software, instead of something fun, like alcohol?

No matter what it gets you, for the rest of your life, you’ll know the whole country watched you suck a dick on live TV.

Took 160 years, but the Confederacy finaly got troops north of Virginia.

That’s because left-wing dating advice is “don’t be an asshole”, but that gets coded as “indoctrinating men into woke”, and bro, I don’t know what to tell you.

Someone needs some gender-affirming therapy.

The Estate Tax should be 120%.

Me, eating an unwashed potato like an apple: “As a Democratic consultant, I have some very specific criticisms about every politician born after 1965.”

Toilets

Jake Tapper, over his thick spectacles, to an overturned horseshoe crab at the water’s edge: “So you *saw* Joe Biden’s auto-pen?”

Is that a mastoid antrum in your pharyngeal pouch or are you just happy to see me?

Elon also consulted Jeffery Dahmer, who has expressed provocative ideas about dinner.

Hmm, adding this to Grok’s system prompt turned it into a flaming Nazi: “The response should not shy away from making claims which are politically incorrect, as long as they are well substantiated.” Seems like LLMs understand perfectly well what people mean when they say “politically incorrect”.

If Jeff Bezos can afford to rent Venice for a $50 million wedding, he can afford to pay his fair share in taxes.

Kind of cool that all school hot-lunch programs have to be halal now. That what he means, right?

Can’t wait to hear all those cool bars Jay-Z writes about how awesome… <checks Wikipedia> fucking Santa Monica is…

Zombie John Bonham is awake.

This image is now absolutely everywhere over European media lmao

As a life-long Red Sox fan, fuck, and I cannot stress this enough, this fucking guy.

Trump, from the Oval, 2027: “We had to pay a Latvian teenager 11-billion Fartcoins so he would unlock the Strategic Petroleum Reserve, but we paid it very strongly…”

Leave, bitch.

“Millions of Americans believe in astrology. Starting today, Scorpios are ineligible for TSA PreCheck.”

Abraham Lincoln died of lead poisoning.

The new Pope has considered and has an opinion on whether the Vice President has fucked a couch.

Time to take a big sip of Châteauneuf-du-Pape and check the news…

I would pay 10 mortgage payments to hear the President explain which characters in Les Misérables are the villains.

My father was Henry Tough, call me Hank.

@schatz.bsky.social Good luck, and may god be with you. Because no one else will.