Host: I’m so happy to welcome Jake Gyllenhaal to the show! Jake: thank you very much for having me but it’s actually pronounced Yyllenhaal Host: oh my apologies Yake

I want to start a new wave Amish society where instead of not using technology past the 1800s we don’t use technology past 2010

Expectation: oh my goodness I beat the final boss!! FINALLY I have the platinum! Reality: aaaaaaand 1000, thank GOD… thats 1000 blades of grass collected and now I finally have the platinum

A: did you know that brushing your teeth makes you sing better? B: really, says who? A: the person using the mic after you

No one has hurt me as bad as whoever it was that changed the Steven Universe theme song

Me at work: can the kids have some stickers? Parents: yeah that should be ok Me: *handing stickers to kids* here you go, and you know I’ve heard these go Great on car windows *parents tandem drop kick me*

A: you know I’ve been thinking about buying a boat B: woah that’s pretty wild! A: really? You think so? B: yeah definitely! What kind?? A: gravy