Sometimes I get nostalgic for high security mental institutions too.

My Christmas cake has had so much brandy it's a fire hazard.

Have you seen the price of alpaca sweaters? Where do alpacas get that kind of money?

Q: What was born at Christmas and is also delicious on a cracker? A: Baby Cheeses.

As we enter the Christmas period, bear in mind that visitors my not want their cockles warmed.

"That creepy guy that was in No Country for Old Men was making a racket in my pub last night." "Javier Bardem?" "No but I told him to pipe down."

What's the point in even having a cat if you don't use TikTok?

If you're out walking after dark, remember to wear something reflective. If you don't have a high vis jacket try a picture of a thoughtful monkey.

A spiiiiiiiider has 8 i's

Last night I dreamt I was a giant bee. I'm still buzzin'

I'm confused.

Arthuritis (n) (med): an inflammation of the Arthur.

There are never enough opportunities in life to deploy the word 'Glands'.

I went drinking with a rabbit once, really let my hare down.

I went drinking with a rabbit once, really let my hare down.

There were a lot of songs about masturbation in the 70s. Bands would just go in the studio and knock one out.

Hearing a crazy rumour about Clinton and Trump. I wonder if they saw it coming.

Hearing a crazy rumour about Clinton and Trump. I wonder if they saw it coming.

If cleanliness is next to godliness, why did He put your bum hole where you can't see it?

My dog will attack if you criticise his violin playing but his Bach is worse than his bite.

Fake chicken was invented before fake egg. Vegan evolution is way easier

There's never been a better time for an alien invasion.

You never know which existential crisis will be your last.

You never know which existential crisis will be your last.

Text messages are the new brown envelope.

There's a couple called Peter and Lee doing up a house in Homes Under the Hammer and they still haven't played Welcome Home. An opportunity missed.

AL sends a question from the 1800s

The guy who discovered alcohol told everyone he knew. Then he told them all again half an hour later.

Just off the most turbulent flight I've ever been on, Rome to Dublin. I'm in a pub, still shaking. On the other hand, I did get a very nice picture of an Alp.

I try not to spend time in the shady part of the garden. It called me an ugly bitch earlier.

If anyone ever tells you "There's no need to swear", they're wrong.

Let's ignore wanky stuff and look at my dahlias instead.

Next person to say "AI" gets a kick in the balls.

Latin veird est

My auntie Mary's canary disappeared around the same time she had to start wearing compression stockings. We put it down to coincidence.

... and it hardly gets any sunshine either.

Lifford & District Gun Club gather for their annual photo amidst membership crisis.

Once more with spelling.

Subject is: Danish Geography According to Suggs. Q1: Where is Aarhus? A1: In the middle of Aar street

BuzzFeed needs an irony meter.

... and they said bromance was dead.

The only winners here are the hat printers.

Can you get deported to Mars?

Sometimes picking a side is REALLY hard.

If I didn't have work in the morning, I'd stay up late and watch the big fight.

This is the worst possible time to hate popcorn.

This all reminds me of the time somebody insulted me in 2nd year chemistry and I set his hair on fire with a Bunsen burner.

"I'll get you, Butler."

The original unforgivable curse was "Motherfucker".

I had to leave my admin job at the monastery. Too much monk-y business.