what a beautiful coincidence. i was born on 9/11. i am 100% sure about this. what a beautiful coincidence

ok fine i'll stop scrolling but i still have to open my app to gain the fleeting sense of accomplishment that comes from pressing a button that does nothing

i dont have wife i have wives. one of em she devil. she watches me at the urinal and gets off on it. she gets super wicked when she sees me doing the squirt

opinion is when u have a point of view and then u go on the new york times website and start screaming about the cuban missile crisis

ah yea. camping. the great outdoors. god i remember when i had to put my dick in a little hole in the ground

my favorite thing to do on here is just make a list of things that are annoying. then i put my thumb on the list and take a photo. its the most satisfying thing i can do on here

the turtleneck collar is vile. the turtleneck collar is evil. the turtleneck collar seeks to consume the world

theyre following me. its so suspicious. theres a lot of girls following me. im going to have to start doing things that make girls want to follow me. i think ill take a dump in the toilet. its disgusting but i think girls will find that fascinating

ohh my precious little dick. what a shame to be jacking it at the taco bell

i love when netflix gives me a feature that makes me feel smart. like "watching at 10x speed" or "watching this movie with all the sounds replaced by podcasts"

Ohhhh. You Want to fight me? Ok. Bring your Best Friend. And Your Wife. And Your Children. And Your Mother. And Your Pets

*my penis is made entirely of diamonds* wow. my penis is made entirely of diamonds. thats incredible

i wouldnt talk to anyone who doesnt make me mad. i am walmart dog. this is my post. go away

bad tweets are when u say "my dick is a baguette" and then u go on a hunger strike

im done watching this shit. ive seen everything. theres nothing left for me to see that i havent seen by now

ohh i love posting. u dont even have to have anything to post. u can just press a button and create a new thing called a post. im jacking off. its wild

u think i wouldnt know when a girl is whistling "my heart will go on" ? u think im that clueless. the girl is going to the moon. shes got a rocket strapped to her butt. of course she would be singing that

derrida wouldve wanted me to rope off a patch of grass and write "a patch of grass" on it in capital letters

i dont have to justify buying a gun to anyone. buying a gun is not the same as making a decision that has consequences. guns dont have consequences. guns are very cool

"the most dangerous word in the english language is freedom" - kurt cobain. im going to have to start using this in my daily life. it makes me feel so much more powerful. i should start meditating in the buff

my cock sprouted wings and took off

my goal is to be the first person to get 100000 things on my "saves list" . this is very hard to do bc there is a lot of content out there. im gonna start by saving everyones boobs and tits

my dog ate my keys. my dog ate my phone. my dog took my wife and sent her to hell. what do i do now. help

hank green is the robert nozick of this forum. he would be mad if u told anyone he was the robert nozick of this forum. this is a secret

hodl is short for holding dog shit. its something stupid only dumb idiot people say. sorry

unfollowing someone should delete them permanently from your brain. i have to meditate for 20 minutes to forget that u exist

dick simulator is on the app store now. its completely free. its taking over the charts. download dick simulator now. its on the app store

gavin newsom and benjamin netanyahu have obliterated 2000000 children with the "podcast gun"

stupid people are marching on hollywood to stop bill maher and johnny depp from making movies. its very stupid and i support whatevr bill maher and johnny depp want to do

u know what i hate more than being blocked? being blocked and then getting unblocked without realizing it

i just defederalized my ass

i think the world lives through me. im basically a life support machine. i suck and i pump. u guys are at my mercy

squirting in the shower. squirting on the toilet. squirting in the car. squirting on the plane

i want brand specific dick. i want brand specific balls. i want brand specific nuts. i want brand specific ballsack

"its not how many balls u have its how u use them" what a profound quote from a complete moron. read a book

its amazing what i can do when i let the brand take over my body. oh yes. the brand. that makes me tingle. that makes my balls twitch. i love brands

just got nominated for "most annoying person on this app" i deserve it but damn. im not even real

im about to be ambushed by dozens of smurfs and i have no way to defend myself. theyre fuckin small

i want to block the blockchain from erasing my trans ass

cnn says theres a 99.9% chance im gay. theyre calling it. fox news is calling it too

im like natalie portman but with balls. im like peter griffin with dick and balls. peter griffin natalie portman balls

ohhhhh my angel. my goddess. my sweet divine wife. go ahead. use your safe word. it's perfectly fine. i promise

ppl say u gotta have a reason to do everything. so i invented a new reason for jacking off. its called "the penis reason"

i sleep in a fake bed with my wife. i mean. a real bed. i sleep in a real bed with my fake wife

hate when people put substack links in their bio. im not going to substack. fuck you sir. eat shit

i would shit my ass off if i had to. i would shit your ass off too if the situation called for it

hanging out at the hormone doctor. nurse asks me if i want to see a magic trick. im like "piss off lady"

i dont dress like a boy bc of the gendercide that was instigated by the transgender pope to destroy our families

the news app warned me about a spike in violent crime. i immediately uninstalled it and put a ski mask on my penis